Serenity Prayer Is Just SO Not Working For Me.....

Why does it seem I am constantly on the other side of the fence with someone?

Why do I constantly have to do battle with the people I love? Everyone tells me to not stress, to relax before I have a stroke or heart attack. How can I when if I do what makes me not stress on one front, it causes me stress on another? Why can I not make myself happy instead of stressing about who I am going to upset by doing so? And right now I am stressing about three people in my life.
Seriously, even with all the red tape it would take to do so- I would move to England in a skinny fucking minute if we had the opportunity. That would take me out of the equation of ALL the situations. And I think Paul would be happier there as well.

Yes, I realize that it would be tantamount to running away from my problems. And Lord knows I've NEVER been a quitter. But I've fought my battles and done my time and think I'm entitled to run away just ONCE in my life. I have fought and done battle since the day I left home when I was 19. I've fought to stay alive, fought to keep my kids safe when they were growing up (and beyond), fought to be able to work and be independent, fought to get out of debt, fought to have a house, fought to have a husband that didn't do me wrong (finally got that one won!), fought to keep my sanity when I lost two of my loved ones so close together, and now I'm fighting to keep my head above water til things get back on track again. But I fear I'm fighting battles that have no winning side this time.

I'm trying to help one family member battle their demons and stay alive so I don't bury another loved one- but at the same time I'm trying to not do too much for them so they can at some point in the near future, finally make it on their own, something that is looking less likely every day.
I'm trying to help another battle their demons but helping the first one, even minimally, is hurting my relationship with the second.
Then the third is battling a medical/mental problem and thinks everyone is against them and if I upset them, they have the authority to make us move, something we cannot afford to do at the moment unless we are willing to live on a razors edge budget. And to not upset this person, it means I have to not only deal with all my siblings upset- but to be going against what is best for that third person as well.
Lose-Lose all round.


Even writing this is going to cause me more stress. It's no longer a place I can vent because everyone I know reads it and takes offense to whatever I write because either they see themselves in it- or they THINK they see themselves in it. And that causes me to stress too.
For the record, sometimes I just think stuff up and write about it. And sometimes it's what's actually going ON in my life. And sometimes it's someone else who's having the problems and they ask my opinion and I write about it and get feedback for them. And sometimes, it's just what's going on in my life. (I know- I put that in there twice...intentionally.)
Maybe I should just put one of those disclaimers in my heading....you know- like the ones in movies that say "The events and characters depicted in this blog are fictional. Any resemblance (Thanks Evan!!!!) to anyone, dead or alive, is purely coincidental."

I'm weary of the constant battles. I deserve some peace in my life. I'm 50 years old and have been battling for the last 31 years. I want and deserve some calm and quiet in my life. It's not too much to ask...is it?

Highlights Of My Week...To Expect The Unexpected

It's been a Crazy, Crazy, CRAZY week around here.

On the 25th of this month I will be turning ..........50!!!!!
Now, when I turned 25, I was a nut-case. Seriously, I cried like it was the end of the world for a freaking month- two weeks before and two weeks after my birthday.....because I was a QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD. I guess for a young adult...a quarter of a century seems like a LONG long time.

But I've grown up a bit....quite a bit it seems. And Fifty doesn't seem to be bothering me even a tiny bit.......(yet). I don't think it will either, to be honest. Maybe I've come to the conclusion that age is just a mind game. It's not how old you ARE as much as how old you feel. And I swear- I feel like I'm only about 27....if THAT.

Which brings me to my REAL issue. I went to the dentist last Monday. I've been having some loosening of three of my teeth and thought, yeah- I haven't been to the dentist in a while, I really need to get this looked at before. MAYBE these three teeth can be saved, but I honestly thought that they probably couldn't and the bad news would be that I would have to have them pulled and get a bridge. Now, since it's three front teeth, I wasn't particularly thrilled, but I figured I could deal with it. After all....I just got a TAT and that Hurt Like The Devil. (and btw, Paul- it DID hurt me worse than childbirth and the memory hasn't faded AT ALL and no I will NOT be getting another one-except for adding teardrops, as I well stated in my LAST post.Unless I do that dagger thing.)
;-)

Instead, The dentist came in, sat down, and asked me if I had ever had a talk with my regular dentist about Peridontal Disease.....and then proceeded to tell me good news!!!

He can save all but my back four molars (two of which have been broken in half for several years) on the bottom jaw.....That was the GOOD news.

The bad news followed in short order. I have to have all 14 of my TOP teeth removed and SOON, because I have already lost so much bone in my top jaw, if I wait more than a couple months, I won't have enough bone to even support a denture plate......which in effect would render me toothless on top for the rest of my life.
Now, normally I'm not a vain person....I am admittedly overweight, but can deal with it because I can lose it if I put my mind to it and my butt in gear, exercise like a demon and keep my mouth SHUT and stop eating junk food.....and I rarely wear makeup- I like the natural look and wear full make-up for very special occasions only ...plus the occasional smear of lip gloss and mascara when I need a bit of a mental pick-me-up. But this dental thing is hitting me like the "QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD" thing did. I think I have either cried or majorly teared-up every single day since finding out.

What is is about our teeth?

So that's that....in two weeks time I will be getting my dental work done.

Now, Happier news........On Sunday night, my friends at work threw me my very FIRST EVER IN MY LIFE Surprise Birthday Party!!!!
All weekend long we had been working together but instead of us all kind of hanging out together in our off times, we weren't.
I was still spending time with them separately, but we did very little together as a group over the long work weekend.
One would call the other and instead of talking like they usually did, the conversations were very short and usually ended with..." I'll get back with you in a little while, okay?". And usually, when two of us were sitting together, if one of the others called and wanted something, the one who was with me would say. "Come on and walk with me and go see what "other person" wants..(.or) is up to." But this weekend, they would "get back with each other". ALOT. I really dropped the ball on it too. Usually I am on top of everything that's going on at my site. I know all the wherefores and whys and who's of the inner-workings. But being distracted by this dental thing and all that's been going on with it made me a bit thick to say the least. I did wonder a couple times if I had done something to upset them, but brushed it off cause neither of them was acting funny when I was with them separately. I figured that it was just a weird, weird weekend and it would work itself out by the end of it.

Well, about midnight, I got a call from one of my girls saying there was a funny noise coming from a ground floor secured room and could I come check it out. Since the other two girls were busy doing either one thing or the other, I was glad for the distraction. I told her I was on my way, and trotted off....(literally, because unusual noises usually mean something isn't right and needs an emergency call to the building engineers and an Incident Report and I was REALLY hoping I wasn't going to have to write up one of those cause they are a ROYAL PITA to do.)
Anyway, I got down on the ground floor, was at the door she had indicated listening for any odd noises, and hearing nothing out of place...when she popped her head out of the EVS department next door and said, "Come in here and see if you can hear it any better from this side...".

Now I have been in EVS a hundred times and I have NEVER been able to hear ANY of the equipment in that other room from there...nor had I ever noticed a door going from EVS to that particular equipment room. But it's not like I had ever had a reason to really LOOK for one, either, if you know what I mean. So I followed her, thinking she must know a secret entrance I didnt know about and would be more than happy to have knowledge of now.

I turned the corner and went thru the double doors- and there they were.....Horns and whistles, balloons, cake and candles, chips, dip, fruit, soft drinks, candy, gifts and cards.

My jaw hit the floor. I had been TOTALLY oblivious. A state I am not normally in or even close to.
Bless their hearts. They have no idea how much that meant to me. And it was a GREAT party!!!


So that has been the highlights of my weird, weird, week.
ALL unexpected in one way or another.

Memorial Tattoo......I Did It!!!

I got it.

After almost three years of saying I was thinking about it- I finally went out today and DID it.

A Heart Enfolded in Angel Wings with two tear-drops below it....one for my Daddy and one for Clay, my son.

Now, for you girls who are thinking about it and wanted a first-timers opinion......I'll tell you all about the experience.....



First of all....EAT before you go.....and go to the Ladies room before too. A couple drinks wouldn't hurt either but NOT to be drunk.....just to "take the edge off", so to speak. Personally, If I had had a drink- I think I would have thrown up in the first five minutes, to be honest, so you may not wanna go that route, after all. Do not take aspirin, or any other oral dug to "take the edge off."

I got my tat on my shoulder blade, so I wore a Racer back top and bra, so I didn't even have to take anything off. Smart, me!! Always thinking(a la Peter Kay)...
;-)

The artist was running a bit behind schedule with the snow we had last night, so I had about an hour to sit out in the lobby and think long and hard about if I wanted to "Abort the Mission"....I mean "Change my Mind", and go home. I didn't. I was determined to go thru with it. After all, I told myself, it wasn't childbirth, and Dad and Clay certainly went through a lot more pain and suffering than I was getting ready to do. It was something I could go thru for them.

So, after a BUNCH of paperwork with signatures and ID involved, they came out and asked what I wanted, so I showed them the concept of what I wanted........ They disappeared for a few minutes, and then returned shortly with a similar drawing they had done before. I looked at it, liked the concept but didn't want a cookie cutter one, and after requesting the heart be larger so the wings wrap around it more and adding the tear-drops, they took it back for adjustments. The second time round- it was all good.

Paul and I went back to the room (Yes I asked Paul to come with me....I'm not above admitting I was a big baby and wanted him to "hold my hand"....literally if need be)and the Tat Artist- (Eddie Lamb of Monster Ink in Greenville SC)- asked me to sit on the chair with my back to him. He then placed the transfer and asked me to look and see if it was where I wanted it. It was, so he got started.

Now, I had been told the Tat gun sounds like the dreaded "Dentist Drill". .......Sort of. I think it was more a combination Dentist Drill and Battery Op Toothbrush. But when I heard the sound of it coming from behind me- I almost got up and left then. It wasn't really scary- just a bit freaky.

And then he put it on my skin. I had tensed up, waiting for excruciating pain, but that didn't happen. It kind of felt like a scratch from a thorn bush or something similar. Not bad at all......Well, I relaxed and then after about 2 minutes, the pain actually set in. It felt like he had a soldering iron drawing on my back. And after 10 minutes, I was pushing into the chair/table with my fingers and doing Lamaze breathing. To my credit- I didn't cry, or whine or whimper or anything. I just breathed deeply and concentrated on that. It helped that he stopped every 15 seconds or so to wipe the blood away which, luckily, I never saw any of. Those few seconds gave me a break and I was able to deal with the pain in short stretches much easier than if he had gone non-stop til it was done. About 10 minutes into it, I asked Paul for a sip of Coca-Cola when I started to feel a bit faint- but after that sip- I was fine for the rest of the outlining. When Eddie told me he was finished with the outline after about 30 minutes, I was so relieved I almost called a stop to it right then and there. But then he said he only had the coloring to do, so I thought- "Heck....I can finish this up EASY, then!" and went ahead with finishing it up.

Yeah Right, You Dumbass.

He started filling in the color and Honest to God- I broke a sweat. Even Lamaze breathing wasn't working. It felt like someone had lit a cigarette and was holding the tip to my back and grinding it out. I think I might have even squeaked a couple times while that was going on. But as he promised, a mere (excruciating)10 minutes or so later, he was indeed finished and it was over.

He rubbed it down with some anti-bacterial ointment, gave me some care instructions, and sent me on my merry way.

My opinion of the deal????
Just this:
The outline didn't hurt NEARLY as much as I thought it would, the coloring hurt way MORE than I thought IT would, and maybe it was just the location I had mine placed, but I wouldn't recommend getting a tattoo to someone who has a low pain threshold. If you can take a good bit of pain tho- no probs!!!!

(My baby sister, Nina, said if I(meaning ME) could get a tat- ANYBODY can...but that's HER opinion. LOL!!!)

Oh....and in case you're wondering, I SERIOUSLY DOUBT I'll be getting another tattoo in the future, except to add teardrops for passed loved ones.

......... But then again, I've learned to Never Say Never, too.

Oh NO He DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!

Conversation this afternoon while bringing in groceries from the car in the rain and sleet and snow............
********************************

He said..."I just want you to know that if it weren't for you, I would be in my country, either in my parents home or married to someone else, either place I have a feeling would be warmer than it is here and in the case of the latter, with someone who would probably be much less annoying to live with than you."

She said....." Well, in that case, we can take our tax refund check and buy you a ticket and you can go back home where you'll be happy. How does THAT sound?????"

He said......."You had just best thank your Lucky Stars that they don't allow guns over there and my Xbox wouldn't work over there."

Hmmmmmmmm.......Well Thank You My Lucky Stars!!!!!

(This conversation was said with smiles on our faces, laughter in our voices and totally in jest..........Well, on MY part anyway..... And I'm 99.9999999999999% sure it was for my darling hubby as well....)

I'm Gettin' It Done!!!!

I've decided that I'm going to get my tat done when I get my tax money back next week. I have a loan I need to get paid- at least half paid-and if I have enough left over- I'm going to get my tat finally.
Paul thinks I won't go thru with it...and I'll be the first to admit, I am a big wuss when it comes to pain....but this is a relatively small tat and it represents something near and dear to my heart....my lost loved ones.

It's a Red Heart embraced by White and silvery blue Angel Wings with two white/blue tear-drops below it ...going on my upper left shoulder-blade so it's not exactly in a high pain zone. I can add teardrops later if need be, God Forbid.
I think I'll be able to do it.
I look at it this way, too....it is a hell of a lot less pain than my loved ones went thru just before they passed away...surely I can deal with it.

I guess we'll find out. I'll have Paul post a pic of it if/when I get it done.

Do any of you have tats?
If you don't mind me asking, what of and where? And most importantly....Was it painful?
Forgive me if I've asked you before...I just want to refresh my memory so I'm not surprised.
;-)

I Found It!!!!!....

You know....the breaker that turns off the power to the Useless Furnace that's been running but since there is no ducts connected, it can't???

I kept going in there and hearing it running and it was driving me insane. So, I decided that I was going to find a way to turn it off today- or else rip it apart til it stopped running/wasting our money.



It was in the smaller breaker box in the kitchen utility closet.

.....labeled"FREEZER".

WTH????

Sucky Weekend.

Well, I think I can honestly say this weekend was an utter and complete BUST.

I am coming down with a cold and it made me grouchy and so Paul and I ended up bickering the first part of the weekend and then I was in bed for most of today fighting this cold.

We went for a short ride tonight but neither of us was in the mood to chat and really enjoy it like we usually do.

And the cherry on top of it all was the fact that when we got home- we found the furnace in the back of the house running away like there's no tomorrow and the dang thing isn't even hooked up to anything. It's just sitting there wasting power. And yes- we tried the breaker boxes and still can't get it to stop.

*******************************

As we all know- we are trying to lose a bit of weight and get back into shape.....or get fit. Whichever.

Paul has been getting up- eating, taking his meds, and then heading out for an hour or so walk/bike ride first thing in the morning. He's watching what he eats and cutting back on the fast and fried foods.

And he has lost about 12 pounds I think he said. I can tell he's losing inches tho.

I, on the other hand, am doing all my walking at work- I walk about 3-4 miles a night and am training on the stairs for my annual endurance test for work. 7 flights of stairs in 90 seconds or less. I'm also dieting, but trying to watch my portion control and sweets consumption more than anything else. (Sometimes not so good on the sweets thing tho altho I am trying to do just the snack or bite size sweets when I just cannot resist.)

I'm keeping track of all that on my SparkPeople page and finding out I have been eating more calories than I thought. For instance, I ate two peanut-butter banana sammiches the other morning for Brunch, and the calories from it came up to much more than my dinner of a healthy portion of roast pork, mashed potatoes, and spinach. I am not kidding. I was floored.

But yesterday in my travels of research for my food choices, I came on a diet I haven't heard of before. The Three Bites Diet. You get 12 foods a day of your choice, fried, boiled, broiled, baked, whatever you choose....but you can only have three bites of each food. Only exceptions are fresh raw veggies...those you can have pretty much as much as you like.

Now there's an interesting concept. I mean, face it....ANY diet will work if you adhere to it. But how many of us can actually DO the no sweets, no bread, no fried foods for an extended period of time?

You cannot believe some of the odd "diets" I have found out there.
I'm shooting for balance in my diet....a happy medium I can live with for the rest of my life and be fit and healthy as well as happy.

I'm learning..and I just hope it sticks.