Having To Redefine....
That's what I'm doing. Having to re-define myself. No so much me- but my career.
Bit of backstory.......When I was 19, I married, had a baby, and was in a
bad situation. Not because of the baby, but because all my life I had
watched my parents and did as I was told, and thought that when you was
married- you was married for life. And when someone beat on you, you
MUST have done something wrong to make them that mad....especially when
that was what you was told over and over by the person you was being
abused by. You end up being broken and believing all the crap.
Over the next 4 years I ended up having two more babies before I finally
realized that no matter how I THOUGHT marriage should be forever, it
was going to be a very short forever if he ever laid a hand on my kids
the way he did me. Then came the night he beat the crap out of me- threw
me out of the house(literally) and locked the door ...never mind it was
in the middle of the night and an electrical storm and I was
breastfeeding the baby. I snapped. I threatened to call the law on
him...and he made the ultimate mistake. He held a knife to our baby's
throat and said if I did I wouldn't ever see the baby alive again. So I
watched, and waited, walking window to window in the rain and wind and
lightening, following his every move until he finally let me back
in...about 7 hours later. He was still drugged up- and drunk, so I took
the baby and fed him and bathed him and put him to sleep, never saying
anything to my husband but waiting for him to fall asleep. I knew I had
to wait to make my move...I couldnt take the baby out in the storm and
we lived miles from the nearest neighbor and didn't have a phone.....
and I was afraid of what the idiot would do if I tried to leave anyway.
When the idiot finally fell asleep- or passed out, I stood over him,
looking at the knife he had held to my son's throat and quite literally
had to talk myself out of doing to him what he had threatened to do to
the baby. Luckily I was coherent enough to realize that going to prison
for murder wouldnt help my children or let me see them grow up. But it
scared me that he could drive me to actually consider doing it-
seriously.
But I waited, and I made plans, and finally was able to make my escape
with nothing but my children and the clothes on our back. I was still
scared to death of him, but I had a plan.
With the help of my parents, I bought a mobile home and put it on the
back of their property, in view of the main house so if he came round,
they would be able to see what was happening and call the police.And
daddy owned guns....LOTS of guns.
And I went back to school.
And majored in Criminal Justice. I made LOTS of friends in the
Sector...... And got a job in Law Enforcement. First in Security, and
then into the Police Force, and then finally going back into Private
Security and Consulting.I learned how to protect myself and my loved
ones...both thru self-defense, and by learning to use weapons. Big Ones.
It's what I've done since I was 23 years old.... off and on(mostly
on)for the past 25+ years. It's defined me- who I am and what I did...I
protected myself and my kids and the people I love from the bad guys.
(Sometimes from the good guys too but that's a WHOLE different story for
another time!!)
And then I moved here. To England. And none of my credentials are any
good here. If I go back into Law Enforcement, I have to go thru the
whole process all over again here in the UK. And I honestly don't have
the drive, nor the need, to do it all again. Before- it was for
protection.....I have a husband now who I don't have to worry about
hurting me or my kids(who are all grown up now and know how to protect
themselves, btw).
And to quote Danny Glover..."I'm getting too old for this shit." Not
that I can't, because I could, but it's a two or three year process. And
it's expensive as HELL to get re-certified over here to be as qualified
as I was over there in the States..... And since I already have all the
training, I just can't justify the time or cost to go thru it all
again.
So now I have to decide which way I want to go with my life. What
direction do I take now? The only other things I'm really qualified to
do is decorate for holidays- and the Brits certainly are NOT into that
from what I've seen so far- OR cook- I'm certified in Culinary Arts, but
it's been so long since I worked in a restaurant I have forgotten
everything I learned about it and I effing HATE cooking when I'm not in
the mood......I DO like to bake- but mostly Specialty Cakes and the
Brits are really more into Savory Treats than Sweets..... and clean. I
can clean like a demon. I've done a bit of Reception work too, but it
was more in a front line Security capacity rather than an actual
"straight" receptionist line so there was no "Excel and Word" work for
me.
So where do I go from here?
It's a HELL of a Conundrum......
