Monday, July 02, 2012

Quite A Condrum......

Having To Redefine....

That's what I'm doing. Having to re-define myself. No so much me- but my career.
Bit of backstory.......When I was 19, I married, had a baby, and was in a bad situation. Not because of the baby, but because all my life I had watched my parents and did as I was told, and thought that when you was married- you was married for life. And when someone beat on you, you MUST have done something wrong to make them that mad....especially when that was what you was told over and over by the person you was being abused by. You end up being broken and believing all the crap.
Over the next 4 years I ended up having two more babies before I finally realized that no matter how I THOUGHT marriage should be forever, it was going to be a very short forever if he ever laid a hand on my kids the way he did me. Then came the night he beat the crap out of me- threw me out of the house(literally) and locked the door ...never mind it was in the middle of the night and an electrical storm and I was breastfeeding the baby. I snapped. I threatened to call the law on him...and he made the ultimate mistake. He held a knife to our baby's throat and said if I did I wouldn't ever see the baby alive again. So I watched, and waited, walking window to window in the rain and wind and lightening, following his every move until he finally let me back in...about 7 hours later. He was still drugged up- and drunk, so I took the baby and fed him and bathed him and put him to sleep, never saying anything to my husband but waiting for him to fall asleep. I knew I had to wait to make my move...I couldnt take the baby out in the storm and we lived miles from the nearest neighbor and didn't have a phone..... and I was afraid of what the idiot would do if I tried to leave anyway.
When the idiot finally fell asleep- or passed out, I stood over him, looking at the knife he had held to my son's throat and quite literally had to talk myself out of doing to him what he had threatened to do to the baby. Luckily I was coherent enough to realize that going to prison for murder wouldnt help my children or let me see them grow up. But it scared me that he could drive me to actually consider doing it- seriously.
But I waited, and I made plans, and finally was able to make my escape with nothing but my children and the clothes on our back. I was still scared to death of him, but I had a plan.
With the help of my parents, I bought a mobile home and put it on the back of their property, in view of the main house so if he came round, they would be able to see what was happening and call the police.And daddy owned guns....LOTS of guns.
 And I went back to school.
And majored in Criminal Justice. I made LOTS of friends in the Sector...... And got a job in Law Enforcement. First in Security, and then into the Police Force, and then finally going back into Private Security and Consulting.I learned how to protect myself and my loved ones...both thru self-defense, and by learning to use weapons. Big Ones.
It's what I've done since I was 23 years old.... off and on(mostly on)for the past 25+ years. It's defined me- who I am and what I did...I protected myself and my kids and the people I love from the bad guys. (Sometimes from the good guys too but that's a WHOLE different story for another time!!)
And then I moved here. To England. And none of my credentials are any good here. If I go back into Law Enforcement, I have to go thru the whole process all over again here in the UK. And I honestly don't have the drive, nor the need, to do it all again. Before- it was for protection.....I have a husband now who I don't have to worry about hurting me or my kids(who are all grown up now and know how to protect themselves, btw).
And to quote Danny Glover..."I'm getting too old for this shit." Not that I can't, because I could, but it's a two or three year process. And it's expensive as HELL to get re-certified over here to be as qualified as I was over there in the States..... And since I already have all the training, I just can't justify the time or cost to go thru it all again.
So now I have to decide which way I want to go with my life. What direction do I take now? The only other things I'm really qualified to do is decorate for holidays- and the Brits certainly are NOT into that from what I've seen so far- OR cook- I'm certified in Culinary Arts, but it's been so long since I worked in a restaurant I have forgotten everything I learned about it and I effing HATE cooking when I'm not in the mood......I DO like to bake- but mostly Specialty Cakes and the Brits are really more into Savory Treats than Sweets..... and clean. I can clean like a demon. I've done a bit of Reception work too, but it was more in a front line Security capacity rather than an actual "straight" receptionist line so there was no "Excel and Word" work for me.

So where do I go from here?
It's a HELL of a Conundrum......