I Want It The Way It Was.

I want things the way they were back in Mid-2004.

I say 2004 because everything seemed like it was so perfect back then.  We had a few problems in our family, yes, but Daddy's cancer was in remission, my husband and son were still friends, and my youngest son was still alive. Our family seemed Charmed. Nothing really irreversibly bad had ever happened to us- other than losing our grandparents. Yes, we had had a couple of divorces but we all thought the worst life had to throw at us was over and done with.

How wrong we were. Late 2004 we realized that Daddy's cancer was back. That man fought like a demon to stay with us as long as he could- he tried every treatment- every drug they thought might help him beat that horrid disease but to no avail. Daddy lost the battle on September 24th, 2005.

That's when our family fell apart. Without our anchor we all began to drift. There wasnt a single member of our family that was spared. There was  so many things that started going wrong. So many things. We were all lost in our grief. Then slowly it seemed like we were slowly regaining a bit of our footing-  recognizing the path again- learning the signs Daddy would have looked for and pointed out to us. It seemed to be getting a bit easier going thru each day.

And then, on a hot August 26th 2007 early morning around 4am, there was a car in my driveway. It was my daughter in law and her mama. I opened the door and my daughter in law was holding onto a pillow. My original thought was oh dear their a/c went out. That was bad but we had a/c and they were more than welcome to camp out with us in the A/c'd living room. Which made no sense whatsoever now I think back on it because her mama had a big two-story 3 bedroom house a half mile from them, but at the time it did.
And then I kept looking out the door because Clay didn't show up but I thought he was listening to a song in the car which is sooo like me- I cant stop a song midway thru because it gets stuck n my head and he was like that too.
But then Mama J said "They was in an accident earlier tonight." Well, that's what I HEARD. It wasn't what she said tho. As Clay and that sweet girl had just found out a few weeks before that they were expecting their first baby, I immediately looked at my daughter in law and asked if she was okay. She just looked at me. I knew Clay had to be in the hospital and was thinking about how to be at the hospital with him and keep working to keep the bills paid- but never mind- I would figure it out and make it work no matter how long it took, so I started to grab my coat (yes- coat- hospitals are notorious for keeping the temps down in the Suitable For Penguins zone) and I asked  "What hospital is he in?".
Mama J said something and I must have misheard her. I stopped and turned around and asked again- "Sorry, what hospital again? I didnt catch it."
My daughter in law started crying and her mama said, "I'm so sorry Vada, He didnt make it."
I know I cried out for my husband but I dont remember much after that except thinking Not my baby- Not My Clay.
Later on, I convinced Mama J to take Kathy home to rest and take care of herself and I told them I would tell his brother and sister. I didnt think she could take much more from the look of exhaustion and grief on her face and their baby must be protected at all costs.
So they did, and we did. Other than actually  saying goodbye to him, that was the hardest thing I have ever done -telling them.

Things have gone downhill from there. Bickering in the family, unkind acts,  stealing, drug abuse, suicide attempts, suicidal thoughts, unemployment, homelessness, going hungry, inability to be in a normal stable relationship, being afraid to let anyone you love out of your sight, constant worry, constant stress- always so afraid it's going to happen again. You snatch bits of happiness when you can, but always afraid to be too happy lest it attract the attention of bad luck ad someone else you love is taken from you.

We are trying to get on with our lives, but we mostly are making such a pigs ear of it.....

I need my Daddy to come back and fix all this. Like he always did.