Tuesday, April 12, 2011

What The Hell is Happening To Me?

Pardon me a moment while I have a bit of a pity party.

This is me- out of my element. I'm having to learn everything again. Where I just a month ago was so confident, now I feel so totally useless it's terrifying. I can't cook...I'm having to learn what is available and how to substitute ingredients in dishes I've been making all my life. I've had THREE dishes turn out just like it did at home....one was Potato soup, One was Chocolate Oatmeal Drop Cookies, and the other was Cream Cheese Pound-Cake.

Everything works differently here too....I had to re-learn how to use the washer for Christ's sake. Here they have a washer/dryer combo...ONE machine does both. The water in the shower has a separate heater- so I had to learn how to use it too.
I can't drive yet. I COULD drive on my American license....it's good for a year here...but they drive on the LEFT side of the road- and yeah, my confidence level is coming up a bit on THAT front- I'm learning by watching and riding with Joan and Glenn, but if I go anywhere- I'm driven, or I walk or take the bus. Mostly walking. Not a bad thing, walking more. But it will be a couple more months before I try to drive anywhere.

Speaking of walking...there's another thing. At home(America), I'm a billy Bad-ass. I've had loads of training in all sorts of weapons and self defense and stuff like that, but when I go on my walks here,by myself, I take the "safe" routes. I wont go by certain bus stops and buildings. I say it's because I don't invite trouble, but in reality, I'm a scared little girl again. It's like me- 25 years ago.
I don't like being dependent on anyone-it terrifies me, but I feel myself going right back into turtle mode. Self confidence out the window- I'm starting to hide from the world again, bit by bit.

The family came over last night to see hubby's new baby niece, and I practically hid in the kitchen for a good part of the visits. Then I came out and visited for a few minutes, but when the crowd got to me- I slipped out an went for a COUPLE of walks. No one said or did anything to upset me- everyone here has been sweet as pie to me, I just was so freaked out by myself and these feelings of being out of my element I couldn't handle it.

Does that SOUND like me? No. Hell no....It doesn't. I just don't understand what has gotten into me. I don't understand it at all and I don't LIKE it a BIT. Not a Little bit. But regardless it's still happening. How can I stop it? How can I save myself from reverting into that loner who's afraid of her own shadow and has no confidence before it's too late?

I hope I figure it out soon.


Odie Langley said...

Hey Sunny,
Sorry you feeling distressed. My immediate thought when I saw this was to tell you to go over to a good friends blog that lives over there and hopefully she can offer some advice or assistance. She is a sweetheart & calls herself Thisisme & lives in Devon. Go to
http://southhamsdarling.blogspot.com/ Hope this helps. You should also check out the first two posts at the top of my blog.

Seacat said...

Oh sweetie, the adventure part has worn off and you've just moved to the next stage, that's all! My goodness, who wouldn't be feeling insecure and afraid. You've moved away from everything you've known your WHOLE life and you're having to reinvent yourself. This is a new world and life with people you don't know. However, the Sunny I know is a person who is warm, loving and cares deeply about everyone she meets. Stop expecting perfection in yourself, and give yourself time to learn. You do fit in where ever you go, you're a wonderful person that the folks in your new surroundings will be so happy to get to know. This is the bravery part I told you I was so in awe with you about. If you need moments to step back and go for a walk, then do it. Take your time to learn and grow into your new surrounds, it's all a learning process. Give yourself time. You're one of the smartest people I know and you will find your happiness there! Remember, I'm only a skype call/e mail away and I love you!

MC Etcher said...

You're still getting you bearings! You'll be fine in a couple of months! Hang in there!