I've lead a full life. I regret few things in my life because I am what I am....either in spite of what my life has been like- or because of it. It's debatable to say the least.
But every once in a while, I hear something that makes me wonder.....what have I DONE with my life. Was it enough.......Could I have done it better somehow.
At the times, I did what I thought I had to do to get by, while waiting and hoping that something would come along to make it all fall into place. And neither of my life goals actually came to pass.
I wanted to become a runway model, something I actually did for a while during high school but was denied by my parents when my chance came to actually take a job with an agency during my last two summers at home. I also loved to draw houses(I think that's where Clay got his talent of it from) and wanted to become an architect. But becoming a parent put that dream aside too. And I finally decided I wanted to become a security consultant and began school for that- but along the way I decided to home-school my boys. Homeschooling AND a full time(14 hour) workday put that on the back burner. So the 14 hour workdays were too much and so I "settled" for a job working for a security company. And I've been working with this company now since 1983 off and on......the latest stint for the last 7 years straight.
I received my pin and service certificate last night at work.
It's been a long road....at first having to take on call jobs whenever anyone called off for various reasons...a day here- a day there, some in really posh places, some in the middle of nowhere with nothing to look at except an empty building or a field....sometimes even with no bathroom facility for miles. But as I gained somewhat of a reputation for being "the girl" who could handle any job and be relied upon, I began getting more permanent job sites lasting a few weeks to a few months each. And finally I was offered a permanent site. And when the head honcho(basically a company troubleshooter) moved on to another site, he would request me to follow him and work with him to get the site in ship shape. And I thought I was good at what I did.
But then the troubleshooter joined a group, comparable to the military, and went overseas and I was on my own in the company where I quickly realized why my honcho had left......the benefits did NOT represent the headaches. My hands were tied at so many levels....all the bureaucracy
was a weight on my mind, so, with mine and my parents declining health problems, I decided to go back to being a regular officer while waiting for something better to come along. And here I've been, all this time, just living my life..... letting it flow day after day after day, hoping for bigger and better to come along, but doing what needed to be done til that time came. And altho , as I have told you before, I have a degree and certificates in various things, I kept doing the security/law enforcement jobs.
But a comment I heard made me dead stop and think..........have I just wasted my life? Should I have had more pride and not done what I did to get by, but waited and toughed it out until my "Dream Job" came along? I don't usually THINK so, until I think maybe to others my life does look like a wasted throwaway and I didn't care enough to try harder.
It makes me sad to think I could have done better but threw it all away just "doing what needed to be done" at the time.
...but then again, would I be here today had I not done things the way I did?
8 comments:
The truth is very very few people ever get to do their 'dream job' and I think the vast majority of those who do find it's not all it's cracked up to be.
It's just a case of 'the grass is greener'. We're very quick to think about where we went wrong and how much better everything could be, but we hardly ever stop to think how things could be so much worse.
Hell, I'd do your job tomorrow if it didn't mean I'd have wasted three years and all that money for a degree in a totally different field.
Sunny, Sunny, Sunny ... where do I start?
First of all, you have beautiful children and beautiful grandchildren that you wouldn't trade for the best job in the world. Do you honestly believe you wasted the years having and raising them?
You're very choosy about your job requirements. You prefer the night shift. You prefer not working with the public. If you used your degree or one of your certificates to get a job in one of those fields, you would not be able to have the peace you achieve from working with your preferences. Not to mention all the stress you'd have in those professions. Don't you have enough non-job related stress in your life?
Don't listen to anyone else who says you've wasted any part of your life. They haven't walked in your shoes. And no, you would not be the same if you had done things differently. Every experience you go through adds to who Sunny becomes.
Congratulations on your pin and service certificate.
I'm proud of you. XOXOX
I think we all have the thoughts of what could have been, or what would have happened if we had followed up on an idea, or if we had only known then what we know now, but all those things are impossible. We can't possibly follow every path. Sure, you could have been a model. You could also have developed anorexia, severe self-loathing and insecurity. You could have been an architect. You could have spent fifteen hours a day designing buildings that would now be useless because of the economy. You might never have met your husband, or had your children, or been even remotely happy. I doubt anyone is thinking that you're a big failure, because you're so accomplished in the life you've got, and if they are, they're obviously assholes.
Now that my kids are both in school, I have had time for the first time in ten years to look around and think about where I am and what could have been. Why aren't I living in NYC and writing for a magazine? I could have been so professionally satisfied and be living a thrilling life. I could also have been in one of the twin towers. I would never have met my husband, because he was here, near DC, where I ended up by chance, and my children would never have been born. I have to remind myself of that whenever I get down because I'm 'just' a SAHM.
Even if we had lived our 'perfect lives', we would still be wondering about the other choices we could have made, like when we read choose-your-own-adventures as a kid and flipped around to see the alternate endings. We can't do that, but maybe it's better that way.
Thanks for the words of encouragement, guys.....No- it was just a couple of comments that were made about how The could never have benn "just" a security officer that made me stop and start thinking about my so-called "Chosen " profession.
You're all right....I shouldn't even be thinking about what might have been- cause I'm perfectly fine with what I'm doing now.
Hugz to you all.
They all said it so well. As humans we always wonder about the "path not chosen" and what we might have done differently. We love you just as you are!
Evan says "yeah, what they said" to what everyone else said.
Kudos to all the comments. I can add nothing significant to what the others have said, and I do agree with it all! You can spend the rest of your life looking back and wondering what if..... Or, you can look at all you do have, family & friends, living your life they way you want, would you really want that to change?
Ignore the "labelers", those people are unhappy & insecure themselves, which is why they compare themselves to others to try and feel better about themselves. Screw 'em...you know who your friends are and who respects you for who you are and what you've accomplished!
I would gently remind you...there was a guy who failed selling insurance, selling tires. He tried running a ferryboat, running a filling station. No use. Face it - in every general measure he was a loser.
He finally got his first social security check, and with it, started doing the one thing he did really well - frying chicken. He used his first social security check to buy the stuff to cook and serve his chicken - including containers to deliver it in.
Buckets. With red and white stripes on them.
Yup. Harlan Sanders. Colonel Harlan Sanders. The "finger lickin' good" guy. And now, you know... the rest of the story.
Failure at 65. Millionaire at 90. I heard Paul Harvey tell the story 20 years or more ago, and it's repeated over here. So, you're not out of the game yet. Not by any means.
But listen to the earlier comments, too. "Success" is not just "making it." I know a man who had been the town drunk in Leavenworth, KS. Alcohol and heroin almost killed this man, then cancer tried 2 more times. He was more-than-half deaf, he worked as a locksmith and lived in a little rented shack out by the dump.
But because of the parts of his life he gave away to people in recovery, there wasn't room enough to hold the mourners when he died. That man was a roaring success, even though he died virtually penniless and folks had to take up a collection to bury him. He was a success not because of what he had, but because of what he gave.
Do yourself a favor - rent The Prince of Egypt and listen to the song "Through Heaven's Eyes." Listen to it until you hear it, in your gut. It's true for me, and it's true for you. Guaranteed.
And remember the tagline from the great song from Rent: "Five hundred twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes? How do you measure, measure a year?"
Measure in love.
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