Saturday, November 21, 2015

My Heart Hurts.

Today Ive been cleaning for the holidays. I put a load of laundry in the dryer and decided to have a catnap while the clothes were drying. The beep on the dryer wakes me when they're finished and I had been up since 6.
I drempt I was back home for a visit and Kathy and Thomas and Clay was riding us around looking at the Christmas lights. At one point we got out and was walking and came up by a McDs. Clay was with us still, but he was about 7 and he and Thomas disappeared. When we went looking for them, Little Clay and Thomas was in McDs having a burger together and waiting on their drinks, happily talking away...... I picked Clay up and put him in my lap as we got back into the van, and as Kathy and I was talking I realized that Clay had a bit of gum in his hair- which I finally ended up having to cut out and I put the hair into a purple silk handkerchief to keep....But Clay had grown even smaller to a tiny baby....and I said I may as well hold you close because you wont be with us much longer. and I held him in my arms, close to my face and I could smell his scent of aftershave-Aqua De Gio as I cuddled him. I could feel the warmth of him against my sweet little baby boy who was wearing aftershave......and then the pain and hurt began filtering in.....My chest felt like it was about to explode it was beating so hard and I began waking up...I fought it so hard and began crying as I realized it was a dream, but I didn't care- I was holding my baby close again and I didn't want to leave that place....But the hurt and pain won, and I came awake with a pounding heart and tears streaming down my face and the smell of Aqua de Gio still hanging in the air. I begged God to please let me go back to sleep for just a while longer...Please, just let me hold him a little longer........

The pain is still just as bad after 8 years as it was the day I found out about his accident. My heart is Breaking.


Michael Dodd said...

I wish my arms were long enough to reach across the Atlantic and give you a hug. My heats aches with yours.
Love from the snow in Wisconsin!

Sunny said...

Snow sounds very therapeutic...... So does the hug!! A virtual one will do nicely- it's the thought that counts, Michael!! have a cup of cocoa and look at the beauty for me.....dont forget the marshmallows. xx