Every relationship has a point where it happens. Some of us try it when we're still dating- some of us wait until we've been married a few weeks, some have the idiot idea to change the rules after a half-century. But we all do it. Don't we?
My husband and I are
approaching our first anniversary this weekend and I am happy to report
that we have made it thus far without a single serious argument. Quite
an achievement considering the fact that we actually had been in each
others company for approximately 3 months before getting married.
met over the internet and became pen pals- different countries- an
ocean apart. Pen pals for more than two years before we actually met
face to face. During that two years, we became best friends. We e-mailed
each other, we chatted on the phone an hour every day, (Bell South and
AT&T loved us and sent us B-day and Christmas cards each year), we
spend his 6 week holiday making trips to different states along the
eastern seaboard. We discussed everything under the sun and debated
everything as well. We knew where each other stood on almost every
And so far "The Rules", as we defined them, haven't changed for us.
other couples have their own set of rules. You know the ones-What they
consider cheating, what they consider flirting, where the defining lines
are not to cross. And the rules do change with each new phase of the
relationship. When they get in trouble is when they make the big
commitment-no matter what phase that happens to be- and then decide to
start changing the rules. Usually without discussing the changing of
them with the significant other.
All of the sudden, things that
were a big no-no aren't quite so cut and dried when a cute co-worker
seems to be hanging around becoming more of a friend than they were 6
months before. Suddenly having a drink or two doesn't seem like such a
big deal before heading home. And then the following week, or month, it
doesn't seem like such a big deal to go to their house instead of the
local bar & grill for that drink. Pretty soon having a swim in the
pool there isn't such a big thing either. Neither is skinny dipping the
following month. And then things aren't so fun at home anymore. Because
the rules have changed. There is now another more seamy set of rules
that apply to the relationships between the committed couple and the new
friends couple. YUK!
On the less serious side there
are also the simpler rules that change. The unspoken but understood
rules, like bathroom time is private time. The first time you're both
late for work that one goes completely out the window and it is HARD to
go back to PBT, (Private Bathroom Time) , once that happens.
of my personal favorites is when the female says not a word about the
male putting the "seat" down while they are dating. Then after they are
committed it becomes a huge point of contention.
Excuse me- But
WE don't put the seat UP for them- why should they have to put it DOWN
for us? And why doesn't the female bring it up before the "commitment"??
Why is it that most people think that just because they love someone they have to do everything together?
the exact opposite- why do some people begin to think that they don't
want to do anything together? One or the other of the couple begins to
want to do things separately? Go out with "their" friends. Go for trips
or vacations by themselves. I even know one couple who have been married
forever and they go out and go to separate spots for dinner because
they can't stop thinking of themselves long enough to compromise on a
place to eat! What the heck kind of a relationship is that? When did
they change the rules? More importantly- why did they change or why did
they LET them change?
If the rules of the relationship change at
some point- will the relationship change? Will it change and make the
relationship stronger- or will it ultimately destroy it?
Or worse than either- will it just stagnate?
is in no way a reflection of how I personally feel in MY relationship- I
am still the clingy one in ours to be honest. I WANT to do everything
together- The shopping, whether it's at the Dress Barn for me a dress or
at the local Home Depot to look at power tools for my husband, or at
Toys-R-Us shopping for a new toy or game for us. (Yes we actually DO). I
want to ride to the mountains together and have picnics, pay the bills
together, snuggle on the couch together, cook and clean together, fish
and shoot together. I have had enough of doing things on my own and I
adore spending time with my hubby.
BUT- on the other hand, I
don't mind the occasional time spent apart when he is target shooting
and I am reading a book- or whether I am off fishing while he is
catching 40 winks before dinner.
I don't think anything will change for us because we discuss everything together- and that's OUR set of rules.