Friday, March 05, 2010
Serenity Prayer Is Just SO Not Working For Me.....
Why does it seem I am constantly on the other side of the fence with someone?
Why do I constantly have to do battle with the people I love? Everyone tells me to not stress, to relax before I have a stroke or heart attack. How can I when if I do what makes me not stress on one front, it causes me stress on another? Why can I not make myself happy instead of stressing about who I am going to upset by doing so? And right now I am stressing about three people in my life.
Seriously, even with all the red tape it would take to do so- I would move to England in a skinny fucking minute if we had the opportunity. That would take me out of the equation of ALL the situations. And I think Paul would be happier there as well.
Yes, I realize that it would be tantamount to running away from my problems. And Lord knows I've NEVER been a quitter. But I've fought my battles and done my time and think I'm entitled to run away just ONCE in my life. I have fought and done battle since the day I left home when I was 19. I've fought to stay alive, fought to keep my kids safe when they were growing up (and beyond), fought to be able to work and be independent, fought to get out of debt, fought to have a house, fought to have a husband that didn't do me wrong (finally got that one won!), fought to keep my sanity when I lost two of my loved ones so close together, and now I'm fighting to keep my head above water til things get back on track again. But I fear I'm fighting battles that have no winning side this time.
I'm trying to help one family member battle their demons and stay alive so I don't bury another loved one- but at the same time I'm trying to not do too much for them so they can at some point in the near future, finally make it on their own, something that is looking less likely every day.
I'm trying to help another battle their demons but helping the first one, even minimally, is hurting my relationship with the second.
Then the third is battling a medical/mental problem and thinks everyone is against them and if I upset them, they have the authority to make us move, something we cannot afford to do at the moment unless we are willing to live on a razors edge budget. And to not upset this person, it means I have to not only deal with all my siblings upset- but to be going against what is best for that third person as well.
Lose-Lose all round.
Even writing this is going to cause me more stress. It's no longer a place I can vent because everyone I know reads it and takes offense to whatever I write because either they see themselves in it- or they THINK they see themselves in it. And that causes me to stress too.
For the record, sometimes I just think stuff up and write about it. And sometimes it's what's actually going ON in my life. And sometimes it's someone else who's having the problems and they ask my opinion and I write about it and get feedback for them. And sometimes, it's just what's going on in my life. (I know- I put that in there twice...intentionally.)
Maybe I should just put one of those disclaimers in my heading....you know- like the ones in movies that say "The events and characters depicted in this blog are fictional. Any resemblance (Thanks Evan!!!!) to anyone, dead or alive, is purely coincidental."
I'm weary of the constant battles. I deserve some peace in my life. I'm 50 years old and have been battling for the last 31 years. I want and deserve some calm and quiet in my life. It's not too much to ask...is it?