Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Nut Case Monthly

WARNING- THIS BLOG CONTAINS MATURE AND INTIMATE SUBJECT MATTER- IF YOU ARE EASLILY OFFENDED- OR ARE A FAMILY MEMBER -BE ADVISED THAT IT MAY CONTAIN INFORMATION YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT.

We women are nuts- absolutely certifiable.

Every month I go from sweet adoring wife who would do anything for her husband to mean obnoxious hag from hell in the space of about a day an a half.

I'm serious.
I have told my darling husband that after a certain date he should just get out the handcuffs, shackles and gag, and chain me in the basement for a week. I equate the whole process to becoming a werewolf. Actually, I think a werewolf could be a lot NICER than a woman on her menses.

I'll go thru this from time slot to time slot, refering to the dreaded time as GROUND ZERO.

One week before Ground Zero- I am fine. Typical conversation between hubby and myself as I arrive home from work....

Him:" Hi Sweetie! "
Me:"Hi Babe."
Kiss-kiss-kiss.....Hug-Hug-Hug.......
Him:"How was work?"
Me:"Work was work, as usual. How was your night?"
Him:"Fine- Worked on my book- played a few games on the computer, read about half a book"
Me:"Great! Glad you got around to reading the book- it's due Friday isn't it?"
Him:"Yep, and I'll be finished by then. Would you like some breakfast?"
Me:" That's sweet of you, but how about I make breakfast for you this morning since you made it yesterday?"
Him:" Okay, Love you!!"
Me:"Love you too."

Two days later....
Sittting together watching TV.
A program is on we both normally enjoy watching, but I am beginning to feel a bit antsy. I don't know why. I just want a bit more attention than he is giving me at the moment. I sit and stare at him for a while- hoping he will catch the hints I am obviously throwing his way.
He doesn't catch them.

I sigh loudly and turn back to the TV. I watch a bit more and then get up and wander around a bit, walking in front of him and the TV several times hoping he will catch the hints I am obviously giving him another chance to catch.
He still doesn't catch them.

I walk past him again and sit heavily back down on the sofa next to him and give another long sigh as I lay my head on his shoulder.
He looks at me and smiles. I am somewhat pacified and watch the rest of the show with him altho I for some reason find it nessecary to change positions several times to make sure he knows I am throwing more of those obvious hints for him to catch, but when the day ends, he still hasn't quite caught it- altho before the week is over he will certainly GET it.

Two days later........
I awake from sleeping, turn over and hubby is sleeping so sweetly beside me.
I snuggle up and he snuggles back- and falls back asleep.
This is frustrating........and a bit more than mildly irritating. How can he sleep when I want to cuddle?
I snuggle closer- wiggling quite a bit more than I have to to become comfortable. He sleeps on....
Dammitt- I want attention- I want it NOW- I "accidentally" wake him up- that ought to do the trick.
"Sorry" I say sweetly and cuddle back up. "S'ok" he says.
And promptly falls back asleep.
Loud sighs- gone unheard because he's back asleep........ I finally get out of bed and dress....of course I make as much noise as possible and have to climb over the side of the bed a couple times before I find my sneakers. I go to the kitchen and bang the pots and pans around - not because I'm going to cook anything, mind you. Just because I am feeling VERY antsy and cranky and I want someone else to give me some sympathy and attention and they can't because they are sleeping blissfully in the bedroom.......... I then go to the den and put the TV on- and knowing how he hates to listen to the DIY decorating shows- I turn the sound up to 3/4 volume. My reasoning?
If he can't sleep- he will come and do one of two things- either get up and come get me to go back to bed(therefore giving me the attention I want WHEN I want it-) OR- he will get up, get dressed and get me to turn the dreaded DIY show off and we will do something together(therefore giving me the attention I want when I want it).

i.e.- I get my way.

Sometimes it works - sometimes it doesn't.......

Ground Zero- but before the actual menses show their presence......

Same conversation as a week ago. but in GZ time........
HIM:"Hi Sweetie"
ME:"Hey Babe."
He tries to kiss me- I give him a quick peck and go to the bedroom- all I want is to get these damn work clothes off- I hate work- I hate the drive every night- I feel like crap and I don't want anyone else to feel better than me.- And don't be so damn perky and smiley either, dammitt.
Him:" How was work?"
ME:"It was crap- I hate that damn place. Everyone is rude and obnoxious and I get crap for evrything- whether it's my fault or not......... Where the hell is my damn sneakers? Why is it that every time I come home everything is moved around?"
HIM:" I'm sorry work was bad baby- can I make you some breakfast? And BTW- Your sneakers are just inside the closet- I put them there when I hoovered last night."

Oh............Now you would think I would feel remorse for being such a bitch..... but I just want a good row right now...........

ME:" Well, you would think you would put them back where I had them- that way I wouldn't have to hunt for an hour after working all night. My back is killing me and I am so hungry I could eat a horse- the LEAST you could have done was had a pot of coffee waiting for me while I waited on breakfast, but nooooo--- I have to make my own damn coffee."
Cue me stomping off to the kitchen.....

He stands there looking at me with a look of pure bewilderment on his face, not knowing what the hell has happened to his sweet adoring wife- and probally wondering if he has any chance of making it to the door and locking me inside before I have a chance to rip him limb from limb and have his liver for breakfast.

He wouldn't have a snowballs chance in hell.


I then go to the kitchen and make breakfast myself, all the while making as much noise as possible (and mumbling under my breath about nothing specific- just all the sailor words I have learned and a few I have made up)- this time because I AM going to cook something, and cook alot of it as well, dammitt. I cut my finger and this absolutely infuriates me- so I take the knife and go outside and throw it into the nearest tree trunk....It quivers in the tree for two minutes after I go back inside. That ought to teach that bastard knife a lesson.....

I finish breakfast and take a couple of tablets. My tummy is cramping now and my back is hurting. I have a massive headache and ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING is pissing me off. And on top of it all- I am in need of a serious lovemaking session.

HMMMmmmmmmm...... Let me just say it's damn hard to convince your man to give you some loving when you can't find him because your man is cowering in the back of the closet of the guest-room holding his breath because he's afraid if he moves you will find him and dis-member him.

DAMN HARD.

Let me just say- I know what a nut case I am- I admit it- and am sorry for it- and if there was ANY way I could controlit - BELIEVE me- I WOULD!!!- But I can't- no matter how hard I try to control it- I know it's going to happen and I have TRIED to control those urges It's impossible- Honestly and truly, it IS.

So sweetie- Let me just say... From the first day I snap at you- give me three days- and then, while I'm asleep- get the cuffs out and snap them on as fast as possible- As a matter of fact- slip me a Mickey just to be safe so I don't wake up til AFTER they are on.....then drag me to the basement and shackle me to the pipes in the cage and lock it for 7 days- not a second before. And leave me there.....


Just for good measure, maybe you should load the gun with a whole clip of silver bullets.
Don't lay it down- and for God's sake- don't fall asleep til after the 7th day.

I am- after all- good as gold for the other almost three weeks of the month........

6 comments:

MC Etcher said...

Don't be too hard on yourself! We all get grumpy sometimes. It's just a matter of how much time is spent in Grumpy-Mode. If the majority of the time is happy, all is good.

MC Etcher said...

Hope your mom is feeling better!

Anonymous said...

Ozzy's random comments...

-Damn, it's good to be a guy.

-You know what P.M.S. stands for? Punish my spouse

-Menstruation (why don't they call it WOMEN-struation)gives women an excuse to act one week per month like men do all the time.

I suspect you only appreciate the laast one... at least right now ;)

Lois said...

Poor Baby. I wish there was a magical cure I could send in the mail to you. Ummm ... chocolate doesn't ship well, does it?

I'll give you a call tomorrow ... if you think it's safe.

Hugs,
L

Anonymous said...

Paulius Said...

Yup...once a month she jumps on that Mestrual Cycle and runs me the f**k over.

wolfbaby said...

ohh my your funny...