Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Need to Know Basis.....

I need to know.....or maybe not.

I've been thinking on this for a LONG time- over a year now and still can't decided what to do.

Here is my dilemma.

I am Clay's mom. I was here when he came into this world. I counted his precious little fingers and toes and loved him every single solitary fraction of a second of his life- before he was born and after he......left us.

Now, until a few weeks ago- I hadn't seen any of the pictures of his car after the accident- but one of his friends had posted them on the memorial website set up for him on MySpace and I finally saw them.

Altho they were bad, they were not as bad as my mind had imagined them to be- the car was torn up, but in my mind it had been mangled beyond imagination or recognition- (which it wasn't)- making it much worse than it was.

Now- Kathy has Clays death certificate- listing all his injuries and such and has told me if I ever want to read it she would let me see it- but she wouldn't recommend it- that it was hard for HER to read it and she imagines it would be even worse for me as his mom to read and know. I , on the one hand, want to see it- to KNOW what injuries he had and what the actual cause of his passing was, I think it may put my mind at ease and maybe it would lessen the nightmares I'm still having about the accident and how he might have suffered.

On the other hand, the logical side of me says it might NOT put my mind at ease- it might actually be WORSE than I think it was, PLUS what possible good can come of it? Me knowing won't change the fact that he's not with us in this world so why would I want to know and what would it matter?

I don't know what to do. Do I read it and take the chance of it making things worse? Or do I let it lie and hope these nightmares go away eventually? It's being caught between a rock and a hard place.

Any advice or thoughts on how I can deal with this?

I know I'm obsessing- but I can't get past this...i just can't.

5 comments:

Seacat said...

If it's eating this badly at you, maybe you should. Just keep in mind that this is a cold, clinical document. Just the facts. Keep in mind tho, that if he had severe head trauma, he would not have been in a lot of pain regardless of his other injuries or their severity. I have a feeling that seeing it listed is going to be difficult. no matter what it says. Why don't you get her to mail you a copy and you will have it in case you do decide to read it. Speaking strictly for myself, I would rather that be a private thing. I really think that all this is part of the grieving process and maybe you're ready for that step..? Whatever you decide, your friends are here for you when and if you need us!
C

Evan 08 said...

Logically, I wouldn't want to know. But in the end I suspect I'd look.

Anonymous said...

Sunny, first of all I would ask that the photos of Clay's car be removed from the memorial website. People go there to remember Clay, not to be horrified by photos of the accident scene. I'm sure the friend who posted them didn't think "Hey, Clay's Mom comes here and won't she be happy to see this?" Still it was a cruel and thoughtless thing to do IMHO.

As for the report ... let me ask you this. What do you think it will tell you that you don't already know? I can't understand why you would put yourself through another round of heavy grieving by reading it.

Whatever you choose to do, as Seacat said, your friends are here with open arms and love for you.

Hugs,
L

Anonymous said...

Vada have you thought about asking Ms.Jennifer how she felt after Mandys accident? And if reading it helped her. Maybe it would be helpful to speak with someone who's been there and knows just what your feeling.I dont honestly know how to advise you. I wouldnt want to know but it may help. We're always here Vada whatever you decide.

Sunny said...

Thanks Y'all for the advice. Still havent decided- but I think maybe Marie's advice has got me thinking. Maybe I can talk to Miss Jennifer and see what she thinks- if she DID read it and it helped her- or NOT. I know she's still about where I am and it's been almost 4 years now since Mandy's accident.
You know i wrote that if I could change anything(except him leaving us) it would be that I never should have went to the accident site at all. Maybe this is another of those things that just shouldn't be.
Probably- I'll see.- and I'll let you know which way it goes.
Thanks again, Y'all.