Ahem............well.

So......First of all, let me apologise for the rant yesterday....I'm scared and stressed and completely lost it for a while.


That being said........ in 30 minutes I'll be going off to the hospital for my procedures/tests.

I'm bleeping scared out of my mind- which means that there's a 99.99999999999% chance everything will go okay and when they do the EGD they won't find anything more than the hiatal hernia and ulcer I already KNOW I have, and then with the colonoscopy, maybe a case of hemorrhoids that I didn't have til I took that darn laxative crap for the cleanse/purge.

Everyone told me that the colonic cleanse/purge was the worst thing ever. I didn't personally think it was that bad- certainly nothing worse than I've been experiencing on my own for the past month. No, it wasn't THAT end that bothered me.

It was having to mix the Miralax powder with Bleeping GATORADE. I hate- and when I say HATE I mean HATE as in "detest & didn't care if it disappered from the face of the earth tommorow-wish-it-had-never-been-invented "type HATE Gatorade- it just tastes like colored salt water to me. And even tho I started out with the BEST of attitudes, even commenting that Gatorade must have changed their formula because it wasn't nearly as bad tasting as I remembered it, after only four glasses of the concoction- I threw up. Luckily, I had PLENTY of the stuff left to produce the "end" result required.

So now I'm headed off for a lovely morning of poking and proding and being stuck with needles and (the REALLY lovely part) being given a shot of Delauded.

I'm especially looking forward to eating after the procedures since I haven't eaten anything solid in over 35 hours and can probably add at LEAST 5 more hours to it by the time everything is done and I can eat again.

I'm thinking......Texas Roadhouse for some of their Yummy Sirloin tips and mashed potatoes.

I'll probably end up wih scrambled eggs and toast instead tho.
It's just how I roll.

Wish us luck....no- wish us GOOD luck.
(I'm being a bit more specific this time)......

Prove It.

When there is so much chaos and turmoil in my life- when I have prayed and prayed and PRAYED for help- to alleviate to this endless madness that keeps my life turned upside down, prove to me there is a God.
Why does all this keep happening? We no sooner get a half-breath from one disaster til the next hit's us square in the face.
What have we done to deserve this crap that keeps hitting our fan?
I'm sick of it- . If there was a God he wouldn't be putting us thru all this - time and time and time again.
Don't tell me "God doesn't put us thru anything we can't handle", don't tell me that "everything happens for a reason"...I'm not buying that crap anymore altho, once -upon-a-time, I believed it myself and would tell people those exact things.
My faith is gone- I'm defeated.
I don't wanna be the chief negotiator anymore.
I don't wanna be the peacemaker anymore.
I don't wanna keep praying and wishing and thinking things have got to get better- that they can't get any worse- because they do- and then they get worse again........
I don't wanna deal with any of this anymore.

I'm tired. I'm weary and I'm scared.....just let me be. Give me peace.

This Is Gonna Be Interesting........

Okay- so Paulius is Hyperglycemic- and I'm Hypoglycemic.

Isn't that a bit Jack Sprat-ish?

Look Into My Eyes........

Cue Kenny Craig(Little Britan)..Look into my eyes, the eyes......

You see, today Paul and I were at Applebee's grabbing a bite to eat between errands. He was talking to me and I was listening, but because of my job, in which I'm TRAINED to be observant, I wasn't looking directly at him while he was talking to me. I was people-watching, looking at the images on TV and looking for our food to come out of the kitchen so I could take my meds asap.......that sort of thing.
Mind you- I was listening to him and looking at him in between times of doing all the other stuff too. I wasn't completely ignoring him just to do all the other stuff.

He called me on it and so I tried to JUST sit and look directly at him and give him my undivided attention. I did it- but it was unbelievably hard to do- just for the five minutes til he finished his conversation, not because he's not interesting....he's one of the most interesting people I have ever had the pleasure to meet....but because my job requires me to be on alert and super observant at all times, it's so deeply ingrained in my persona that I can't NOT do it without breaking into a sweat. It just seems wrong to not be aware of what's going on around me all the time.

I also have a habit of seating myself so my back is never to the door or the cash register. You can usually tell a law enforcement officer from everyone else even when they are out of uniform, because they all seem to have that particular habit, as well. They also walk with one arm carried apart from their side more than the other......they're avoiding hitting their arm on the weapon that's usually on their side. They also wear a watch just above their wrist instead of on it.

Anyway, my point was......It's not something I do on purpose- I'm not ignoring him......It's just the way I am. I'll try and do better when I'm not on duty. But I'm not making any promises.

Well............hmmm...................sigh.

I............

today....................

well........


Okay................so.............


Ummmmm......never mind.
Maybe later.

Sigh.

It's A BOY!!!!....& Happy July 4th!!!!!!!

Yesterday Marie had her labor induced. Then she had an epidural. I visited her- she was doing fine, but the labor was running slow....she was at 3-4, and not hurting at all, they figured it would be hours (Kathy went for 36 hours before having CJ), So I went to do errands and she was still fine.
So I came home and Paul and I settled in for our long awaited "date night"....the first since our ill-fated camping trip. And I made the mistake of letting my guard down and relaxing and having a few drinks- the first in several MONTHS.......
Our cable system went down for a while....a few hours, and during that time, Paul and I had a couple more drinks to pass the time...Just chatting, and snuggling and catching up.
Then the phone rang about the same time a knock came at our door. It was Julie on the phone, and my brother at the door.
The baby had went into distress (they lost the heartbeat) and Marie had been rushed into have an emergency C-section. The baby was fine- Marie was in surgery for a couple of hours being taken care of.
I missed the birth of my last grandchild. I missed the Birth of my first as well, for the same reason. Julie had been admitted to the hospital for Toxemia and T.J. had went into distress as well and Julie had asked me to go get her husband at work when they told her she was being admitted to the hospital. Before we could make it back- she was rushed into surgery and T.J. was born.
I suppose it's only fitting..............it's come full circle now.
Anyway, Elijah James, born July 3rd(don't know the exact time yet) weighed in at 6 pounds 14 ounces and has a tiny bit of hair!! I'll be going to visit him and his mommy later this morning.
*****************************
In other news...........
Paul and I decided to try out the air-mattress in the living-room idea last night.........Let's just say it was NOT a rousing success. We had to re-inflate it several times during the evening and when I woke up this morning, it was flat on the floor.

Paul has been throwing up all morning long.
He has had an unquenchable thirst for about three weeks now(since the weather got completely unbearable) and when he drank anything this morning, he ended up throwing it right back up ...so it was walk from the kitchen to the bathroom, ad nausem.........quite literally.

Do you SEE now why I don't relax and enjoy life any more than I do????? The last time I let my guard down, I ended up with a 4AM visit from Kathy and her mom telling me my son was gone....this time it was an emergency C-Section when everything was going so smoothly.

Dare I try and take a nap? I don't think so.
Happy 4th Of July!!!!!

Summertime Blues

Man this heat index is about to kill me and my hubby.
Every morning when i get home, our bedroom is so nice and cool....so we go to bed and sleep til about 10AM....and at that point, we begin the journey. Up and down, awake and back asleep as the temps climb throughout the day.
Eventually we get up and make our way to the Living-room to sleep under the coolness of the ONE AC we have in the house.
Well, actually we have two, but one is a TINY one in the kitchen that's been put PERMANENTLY in place in the window (wasn't us- we have NO idea WHY either...)and does us no good except when we're actually cooking in the summertime.
If it didn't involve taking a window permanently out of the bedroom I'd go buy an a/c special for the bedroom, too.
All this waking and going back to sleep is really making me exhausted.
I don' know WHY we haven't moved the bed- or at least the mattress into the living-room already........well, actually I do...it would take up half the living room floor space and the only open spot is directly in the CENTER of the room's floor and that mattress weighs a ton- even sliding it, so it would STAY in the living room floor.......... ALL. THE. TIME.
It's not that we're too lazy to move it- it's just that it seriously weighs a LOT LOT and if you saw the hallway and obstacles we would have to manipulate the mattress around to get it back and forth from the L/R to the B/R, you would understand why it would be impossible to move it back and forth every day.
Besides that, everyone would be walking on it, and sitting on it, and crawling on it and , I'm sorry, but I'm one of those REALLY ODD people who cannot stand the thought, let alone the actual ACT, of anyone but me and my husband being on/in our bed. It actually makes me retch to have it happen...seriously.

We're thinking about taking the camping airbed mattress and using it during the summer- it's MUCH more lightweight than the actual bed mattress and we could put it in the bedroom when we aren't sleeping............only problem is...it's made of that heavy gauge plastic rubber stuff, and we have a kitty-cat who just LOVES to scratch ......anything but his scratching POST we got special for him, that is.
I can see that ending badly.