It's Been Rough....

I took this past week to just sit back and think alot. I am trying to come to grips with all that has happened recently.

I have had nights of constance crying. I have had nights I just sat and stared off into the dark.
I have had nights I remembered every time I spanked Clay, or yelled at him about little things. I had nights I sat and remembered all the good and fun stuff about him. I've had nights I feel guilty that I didn't call him or visit him more. I have regrets that I didn't call him that night like I usually do when he's on his way home from work. Maybe he would have been driving slower and missed the deer completely....or maybe it wouldn't have mattered at all.
I don't know. I do know that I can't change the fact that he's gone from our arms.....but not from our hearts and memories.
So many things remind me of him......

I would like to thank a few people who have helped me these past few weeks. I did the usual thank you cards for all the food and flowers and such- but a few I want to thank specially.

First of all, Thank you Paul for taking such good care of me. I have only healed as much as I have because you have looked out to make sure I got food in me, drink in me, and gave me your arms to be held in while I cried a river of tears. I know you are grieving as well but you have put aside your grief until I can come to grips with my own. You let me talk about things as much as I want and have yet to be nasty like a couple others and tell me to get over it- life goes on. I KNOW life goes on...but you're allowing me to get there at my own pace and are by my side holding me up(literally, sometimes) while I am getting there.
I love you my Darling Husband.

Thank you to Frank, my eldest son. You and Clay were like twins altho a few months seperated you. You also have been grieving but have been with me to give me hugs and to remind me that I have two more children who love me and need me as well. Altho we will get thru this- we will never get over it. Thank you my darling son for being here with me.

Thank you to Julie, my darling only daughter, My own personal mini-me(altho you're a few inches taller than me). You've been here for me as well, talking to me about normal things that keep me on track. Sometimes only another girl understands. Someday our mountain of trials and troubles will work themselves out and things will return to normal again. Whatever "normal" mean. Thank you for being my light of sunshine.

Thank you to Lois, Terry, and Rhonda, my three best real world,non-relative friends for letting me call you whenever I need to talk, or cry, or just have someone on the line with me who I can listen to the silence with and them understand. No one could ask for better friends than that.

Thank you to Stacey, who not only did Clays services, but is my cousin and has been ministering to me(sometimes from her bathtub) even tho she knows I'm agnostic. Somehow she manages to comfort me without making me feel guilty about not having the exact same beliefs she does. Love you Cuz.

Thank you to Saffy - my online sister. Like a real sister, you do all the things that count.
And boy do they vary. Sometimes I need a laugh, sometimes a cry, sometimes a bit of that Brit sarcasm.

Thanks to Mom and Dennis, they don't read my blog, so we will just say they're angels of mercy and leave it at that.

Thank you to all Clays fav guy friends who carried him to his final resting spot. It was a hard thing to do and I love you all for it.

To Tee, my baby Darlene, thank you so much for being my rock . I wasn't sure where to turn or what to do....you gently guided me thru all the things that needed to be done. You were the big sister to me- not the other way round. I love you so much.

To Kathy, for loving my baby boy and making him complete and happy. No one could ask for a sweeter Daughter-in-law.

I have a few more but I'm getting tired so I'll close for now.