For My Friends

Hi everyone.

I'm sorry last week brought so many tears from me.
This has sent me on a journey I never imagined myself taking.

I was just beginning to be able to think of my dad without completely losing it- but this is a whole different ballgame.
I'm lost. I spend most of my time crying or sleeping. I/We have so many people who care about me/us, and people are constantly calling or coming by. It's slacked of somewhat now- and i really do appreciate the calls and visits, but I need some quiet time to figure things out in my head. Certain times i need the comfort of certain people-you know who you are....I have called, written, and come to visit you or called you to my side. I love you all who have helped me thru this.
Every time I start to be a tiny bit distracted by life- something will remind me of the reality of what has happened.

I had to take sedatives at work last night. I went in thinking I would be surrounded by a few nurses and housekeeping staff to keep me occupied, and instead I was entirely, completely and utterly alone in that huge building. I had forgotten about the holiday weekend.
See where I work is pretty much an elective surgery hospital. Plastic surgery, and stuff like that. They don't have an emergency department even.
I sat down for most of the night and played at the Grand piano in the main lobby. And now I want a baby grand. Really badly.

I also sat down and began starting funeral arrangements for myself. Realizing how prepared Clay and Kathy were made me realize that I need to get some things down on paper. I also need to get life insurance on my husband. We're on a quite tight budget (or we were) and were trying to wait until he found employment which usually offers some type of life insurance coverage, but as we all found out last week- life doesn't always happen according to our plans.
Those raises I got in the past few months will cover any costs for Paulius some life insurance.
mine is only about 40 dollars a month and I have over a quarter million on me. I also began writing out actual arrangements- flowers, music, burial requests and such- a "pre-will" if you will.
I'm going to set up an appointment with a few of the funeral homes/mortuaries to see what they have available so maybe I can have all the arrangements made and PRE-PAID when I pass. It would save my family a lot of grief and heartache as well.
I want to sit down with them and discuss my decisions about why I chose some things as well. I'm not 100% firmly decided about a couple of major points, and feel I should take their thoughts on them into consideration.
After all, funerals aren't for the departed- they're for the ones left behind.
Now I have to go find some songs on the net......Unless you guys happen to know the name of the song playing on Clays Memorial website? I didn't set it up and I never can remember to ask when I talk to my sis. Also what is the name of the song playing at the very end of "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou"? by his little girls?
That's one of my fav songs and I want to find the lyrics and the music to it.
If y'all know and could tell me I would so appreciate it.
I don't know how long I will be as upset as I have been. I strongly suspect I will need to go for a bit of grief counseling before it's all said and done. But I know Clay would want us to go on with our lives and not be sad for him and would rather we remember him with smiles and laughter instead of the mountains of tears we have shed.
I just don't know how to go about it.

He was the one who made me laugh the most, you see.

I have decided to get my tat as well. I need to find it somewhere tho.
It's a crescent moon with an angel sitting in the curve of the crescent with her head hanging as in grief. I'm putting it on my left shoulder blade- just behind my heart.

It was done by Kat Von D on an episode of Miami Ink. If only I could get her to do it for me.

Anyway.......I'm going to do some research now.

One last piece of advice for you all..........Hold your babies close to your hearts and enjoy every second of their lives.....every rolling of the eyes, every sigh of annoyance, every smile, laugh, toss of the head, compliment or complaint that comes out of their mouths. Give them hugs, even when they don't want them, and kisses as often as you possibly can. Hold them in your arms, and smell the smell that is uniquely THEM. And make them buckle up.

Hugs,
Sunny