Time goes On.......

You know.....this past week has been a roller-coaster of emotions for me.
A lot of physical stuff- but a lot more emotional stuff.

It's a hard line to follow- family and friends, that is.
I've felt torn between three people that I dearly love in the past week.

One has a heart of gold but kind of expects to be in control of everything when they do so.
One just has had a run of bad luck no matter what they try to do to make things better.
And one just isn't used to the drama that is my life and can't understand why I let it go on.

I've been so upset that I've started smoking again. A LOT. And I haven't done that in ages. Not in this way.
I want to talk to these people about what's going on and how torn I feel, but to do so would only cause even more drama and altho I try and act normal, it's the last thing I actually AM. I'm on the brink of a complete emotional breakdown and don't know how to get things back on track.

I'm taking my meds like I'm supposed to- but they only work so much- and to be honest I want to be able to function without having to take them for much longer. I've actually been trying to wean myself off them- taking only half of the dosage I actually should, but then something happens to trigger another panic attack or some major stress related thing happens and I'm back to regular dosage.

I need to learn to be more assertive, to be able to tell people what I want instead of letting them tell me what I should and shouldn't and am and am not going to do.

I need to learn to tell people that I Love my family and would do anything for them- even if it means putting myself out sometimes-it's what families do when they care for each other and need help.

And I need to learn to tell people that altho I appreciate their kindness and understanding and help, that doesn't give them the right to just be able to tell me how things are going to go in my life.

And I sincerely hope that things get better for the person with the long run of bad luck....I KNOW how they feel- I had one myself for many long years before finally finding the stability and normalcy I was looking for. But even so- I can still use a LOT more in my life and I hope they can find it as well.

We all have to grow up- we all have to make it on our own, but we all need others help and understanding from time to time.
But sometimes circumstances dictate what happens in my life- and in the lives of the ones I love as well.

God help us all.