Guidelines for Cats

Specificly posted for Mike & Cindy who have just adopted a new feline mistress.





Guidelines for Cats

Doors:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door
opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand
halfway in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold
weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging
doors are to be avoided at all costs.

Chairs and Rugs:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If
you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If
there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing
up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is
as long as the human's bare foot.

Bathrooms:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to do anything . . . just sit and stare.

Hampering:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy
one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as
"hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":

* When supervising cooking, sit just behind the
left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby
stand a better chance of being stepped on and then
picked up and comforted.

* For book readers, get in close under the chin,
between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the
book itself.

* For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the
work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure
as much of the work or at least the most important
part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out
and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker
may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim
is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects
make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may
tell you.

* For people paying bills (monthly activity) or
working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual
activity), keep in mind the aim-to hamper! First, sit
on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch
sadly from the side of the table. When activity
proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering
them to the best of your ability. After being removed
for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers
off the table, one at a time. When a human is holding
the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on
the back of the paper. They love to jump.

Walking:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially on stairs,
when they have something in their arms, in the dark,
and when they first get up in the morning. This will
help their coordination skills.

Bedtime:
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move
around.

Play:
This is an important part of your life. Get enough
sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your
nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat
games that you can play. It is important, though, to
maintain one's dignity at all times. If you should
have an accident during play, such as falling off a
chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to
say "I meant to do that!" It fools those humans every
time.

Cat Games:

* Catch Mouse:
The humans would have you believe that those
lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They
are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be
the most delicious of all the mice in the world,
though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor
also has it that only the most ferocious attack can
stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers
to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the
Bed Mouse!

* King of the Hill:
This game must be played with at least one other
cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the
sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at
all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This
game allows for the development of unusual tactics as
one must take the unstable playing theater into
account.

Warning: Playing either of these games to excess
will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly
from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless,
immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This
should buy you some time until they fall asleep again.
If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this
cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

Toys:
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to
confiscate it, this means that it is a good toy. Run
with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the
human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where
it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable
sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets.
There are several types of cat toys.

* Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or
coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or
humans can't play with them. They are generally good
for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.

* Dangly and/or string-like things such as
shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss (&
Q-tips) also make excellent toys. They are favorites
of humans who like to drag them across the floor for
us to pounce on.

* When a string is dragged under a newspaper or
throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse
and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though.
Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your
dignity.

Paper Bags:
Within paper bags dwell the bag mice. They are small
and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so
they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the
crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the
bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag,
can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may
find in a bag hunting for bag mice is fair game for a
sneak attack, which will usually result in a great
Tagmatch.

Food:
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper,
a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun.
The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways
to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to
death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself.
The following are guidelines for getting fed.

* When the humans are eating, make sure you leave
the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not
looking.

* Never eat food from your own bowl if you can
steal some from the table. Never drink from your own
water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink
from.

* Should you catch something of your own outside,
it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be
insistent. Your food will usually not be so polite and
try to leave.

* Table scraps are delicacies with which the
humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It
is beneath the dignity of a cat to beg outright for
food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but
several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans
don't forget you exist. These include, but are not
limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest"
human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway
between the dining room and the kitchen, the "direct
stare", and twining around people's legs as they sit
and eat while meowing plaintively.

Sleeping:
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for
playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is
generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to
curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good,
especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If
it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator,
so much the better. Of course, good places also exist
outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal
and dependent on current and previous weather
conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good
compromise.

Scratching Posts:
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the
humans may provide. They are very protective of what
they think is their property and will object strongly
if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being
sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't
help, as they are very observant. If you are an
outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws
on a human is not recommended.

Humans:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to
play with and give attention to us, and to clean the
litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity
when around humans so that they will not forget who is
the master of the house. Humans need to know basic
rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.