In Limbo

Sometimes things happen.
There's no rhyme or reason, but they happen.
And something did.
And we are in Limbo for now. But we have a Plan A..... A Plan B...... And Plan C.
And when we finally have an answer, we'll know which plan to implement.
And it will all work out for the best in the end.
Funny thing is, even with all the turmoil, and uncertainty, I'm in a better place than I've been in for quite a while. And I'm happier. I think Paul and I both are.
Life travels in circles.
Odd, that, but true.

Dammitt, Surprise, & YUM!!!!!

On sooooooo many Levels...just Dammitt.

On quite another level.....there's hope.

I Just have to remember...

I AM THE GODDESS VADA. THERE IS NOTHING I CANNOT OVERCOME.

Just have to keep reminding myself.......ninety million-bazillion times if need be.
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Walked today for the first time since I broke my toe again. Only got .85 a mile done because with my toe still throbbing, I was walking at at odd angle and it was causing a shin-splint. So I quit for then and decided I'll do a couple more walks during the evening hours. The humidity here must be 110% today after all that rain the past couple days. Horrible. And it drains the energy right out of you!!!!
That's the first time EVER in my life I've woken up and jumped out of bed because I wanted to go for a walk.
What the hell is happening to me.
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Not to get anything started up again, but I have been royally pissed off today and yesterday. I told y'all my car was hit while I was at work......well, if we had the camera- I could have photographed the damage for insurance purposes.
Also- I need a new photo of myself for my Nike profile....and again, no cam.

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I'm working on a little something special for later this year. Can't say what- but wish me luck on it.
:-)***************************************

Debating whether or not I wanna go to the supermarket and get some more charcoal and another turkey breast today.
Damn that last one Paul smoked was tasty and it was good FOR us too!!!! And this time I get to tweak the rub a bit so it's not QUITE as spicy!!

Doctor Who....tiny split second of a spoiler.....

Wow.....

Okay, I finally got to see the first episode of the NEW Doctor Who-starring Matt Smith...and I have to say, I wasn't nearly as disappointed as I thought I would be.
The writers did a good thing by starting the story out with a sweet little child who needs the Doctor and having him make a promise- and then KEEP it- albeit a bit later than he had planned. There was also a bit of a nod to the "doctors past" and a bit of continuation with the mention of a wedding in the future-reminded me a bit of Donna- but at the same time- a bit like Rose, too.
Not saying any more than that about the actual story-line tho- you'll have to watch it for yourself to get the holes filled in.
LOVE LOVE LOVE the new outfit.....he's not trying to be a David Tennant Clone, nor is he trying to be his opposite either.
I'm admitting it- I'm hooked.....but I also have to say that David Tennant will always and forever be...

MY Doctor.

Lazy weekend......

(God, I LOVE Calvin & Hobbes. I miss 'em......This is soooo me & Paul this weekend)
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Soooo...yesterday someone(a female driver, natch)in a big ole honking Chevy AVALANCHE TRUCK, backed into my compact car. Headlight,indicator light, right fender, front bumper and hood were all damaged.
Spent all morning dealing with police and insurance companies. ...on two hours sleep. Figures the ONE day I had less than two hours sleep- I had to take TWO tests at work, had to stay over for a mandatory mask fitting, broke my toe the day before, and only wanted to get finished so I could go home and sleep for a few hours,....that accident had to happen.

At least I wasn't IN the car when it happened. Right?
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Then we came home, Paul smoked a lovely turkey breast, and then we slept the rest of the evening and half the morning today.
OH- Rub recipe for turkey rub is as follows....
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Turkey Dry Rub Recipe

1 Tablespoon onion powder
1 teaspoon paprika powder
1 teaspoon seasoning salt
1 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon sage(or poultry seasoning)
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Lightly coat the turkey breast with a bit of veg oil, then dust with the rub mix. A light coating is all you need, but for a more intense flavoring, rub some under the skin of the turkey as well.

Let the turkey rest in the fridge for an hour before putting in the heat- be it the oven, or the grill- so the flavors can absorb into the meat.
(If you're doing a whole turkey- double the recipe for the rub and follow the same instructions.
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I have to tell you tho- that Paul did NOT let it rest in the fridge for an hour before he put it in the grill/smoker and it was perfectly wonderful.


Anyway, we've been snacking on that turkey breast all last night and today and it's divine...as well as almost gone. And wouldn't you just know it, it's raining with thunder and lightening today so we can't try anything else on the grill today. Dang it.

It also means no walking for me unless I can catch a break in the downpours. And Paul is ahead of me in our challenge. S'ok.....I'll catch back up when I go back to work Monday. And then I expect to pull WAY ahead over the weekend.

I learned a valuable lesson the last night I worked and walked. I left home with my iPod just a TAD under fully charged... HUGE mistake. It ran down before the night was over with all the pausing and resuming the workout I do. So I didn't even get to record all my "dedicated walking" I did. But I still did it- Just like I did it over the weekend when there was a slight problem with my iPod.
My foot is feeling better today as well, so I expect to be walking again today at some point if the weather will give us a break.
THIS is when a treadmill would REALLY REALLY REALLY come in handy.
I mean, we really don't have much room for it in the living room, but damn if I wouldn't MAKE room for it somehow.

I've been toying with the idea of having my hair cut into long layers again. My hair is about waist length now- but it's so baby fine that it doesn't look very healthy. I thought cutting it would make it look thicker and just ...healthier. Paul reminded me why I grew my hair out to begin with. And that was because when I have my hair cut in layers, as long as I wash and style it every single day- it looks great- but if I let it go for a day without washing and styling it- it looks like a 4 year old has been chopping on my hair with a pair of kindergarten scissors.
He suggested that I think on it some more- and maybe make it my "reward" for losing down to One-derland! And that's a GREAT idea!!!

Who knows, I may have it cut off into a gamin cut when I do that. I'm in the mood for a change!!!!!

:-)

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch....(& I Want To Be A Cat)

So yesterday, to get my mind off my problems and my pity-party (which I'm still not over and probably won't be for a while, just in case you're wondering, nothing's changed), I went up to my moms to see if she had received the utilities bill.
She hadn't.
She was out in her yard, mulching around her trees. The woman will be 74 this year and she is still out doing her own mulching.
I made her sit down while I mulched the remaining tress for her(See?.... Good daughter-trying) and we had a little chat.
She mentioned she wanted to color her hair- God knows why- she has the most gorgeous silver hair ...if MINE were that color I'd let it go it's natural color in a second......but then she asked me if I would color it for her. I really didn't want to- but seeing how she's 74, and I know when my, ahem, moonlight blond starts showing at my temples I run out and buy a box to even it up, I thought.........
Hmmm....let's see....Mulch...or color mom's hair.
Hard decision....NOT!!! Let me remind you that I'm on B/P meds and if I'm out in the sun for more than a few minutes I burn to a crisp.
So........ off to the pharmacy we went to get her hair-coloring.
Well, we came back, I put the solution on, and then we had to wait for 35 minutes. So what did we do while we were waiting, you ask???? I'll tell you.
Mom sat in a chair and NAPPED. Mom likes to nap. So do I, to be honest....but I uncovered her clothes horse...I mean, treadmill..... and walked at a brisk 4 miles per hour for 30 minutes. I could have been sitting on my arse, watching a show and relaxing, but I CHOSE to walk.

W
T
H?

I only wish I had had my new Nikes on and been able to record my walk and listen to my music while mom NAPPED.

And speaking of naps.....That damn little cat of ours, Lucy, is driving me insane with her caterwauling. Jebus Crisp, if Paul so much as walks to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee or tea, she wakes up from HER nap and starts stumbling around the room with her warbly little kitty voice yowling "OH NOOOOOOO!!! OH NOOOOOO!!" or "HELLOOOOOOO??????...HELLOOOOOOOOOOO?" til she finds him or he comes back into the room.

Even when we're in bed, she will wander around in the house with that pitiful little voice til either a)he gets up and brings her in the bedroom and dumps her on the bed beside him- or b)she wanders in and herself and hears his iPod and jumps up on the bed beside him herself. She has to be physically touching him for her MUTE button to kick in. Meanwhile, I can get NO sleep for her yowling.
Funny thing, last week, I had HAD it after two solid hours of her yowling like that so I got up, grabbed her nappy little arse, and took her to the bathroom. I turned the shower on and stuck her under it for about two seconds.(She wouldn't let Paul catch her and she refused to come into the bedroom that day/night for some reason- maybe she just wasn't in the mood to sleep but she still wanted him in the room with her.)Stupid cat.
Well, when I dropped her on the rug, she shook off the water and ran into the living room.....and we had blessed peace and quiet for about three whole hours.
Thought that was something that might possibly work again at a later date -if the need arose.
But then, later that night, Paul called me at work and told me that maybe that hadn't been such a good idea after all. Seems he had put a container of water out on the table so he could thaw some chicken, but he had went out to light the grill before he put the chicken in it. When he came back in to put the chicken in the water to thaw- he found Lucy, sitting in the water on the table enjoying a bit of a soak.

In my NEXT life- I'm coming back as a freaking house-cat. Naps, soaks, manicures, being petted and coddled, an occasional smack on the butt when they're bad.....and did I mention naps?
Lots of naps.
Now, that's the life.

It's just me.

Sometimes my life is so unbelievably fucked up I wonder how did I ever get to this place in my life?

I mean, I tried to do good in school, be a good daughter, be a good mom, be a good wife, be a good friend.
What happened along the way? At what point did I lose total control of my life and did it start spiraling?

I keep thinking along the way that things cannot possibly get any worse and things will work out. God has a plan and all that....
Well, I've come to the conclusion that it's all a load of horseshit.
There is no plan...things will NEVER get better- my life will continue to spiral and more and more and even more things will fuck up. I cannot be in control of and responsible for everything that happens and everyone it happens to. I don't see why I should be punished for all these things either.

What exactly do I have to look forward to in my life? I'll tell you what....I have a hourly wage job I can "look forward" to going to. I can "look forward" to more family bickering...no matter who leaves me or who loves me enough to stay. I can look forward to the bills coming in- and what bit of money I make going out faster than it comes in. I've begged to be taken away and prayed to have some kind of relief from all this, to get a fresh start.......but one thing or the other stands in the way of change. Other people can walk away from this craphole I call my life...they can move out or away, stop loving me, stop being my friend to get away from the drama...... but I don't have that chance. I have to live with me all the time.

My Life.
Everything is my fault. I'm a bad daughter, Bad mom, bad wife, bad friend...... I admit it but I can't do anything about it. I just have to decide how to deal with it. I am the constant in all this mess. Me. I have to admit that it has to be something fundamentally wrong with ME. I'm in all the situations in my life- and they just keep happening over and over and over. It's ME. I'm the common denominator in it all. It's no wonder my marriages don't work out. It's no wonder my family is falling apart.

I AM THE PROBLEM.
Me.

My New Best "FRIEND"........Besides Hubby, That is.

Got 'Em........On sale for 34.00 at Academy Sports. Can you believe it? Only 34.00 for a pair of NIKES!!! Not only that- but they're just what I wanted...mostly white and not clunky.
So now I'll know exactly how far and how much.
No guessing or estimating anymore.

It's ON!!!!!!

Bad! Bad! EVIL Scale!!!

Okay, so I weighed today on our scale. Last time I weighed- (last week)- I was 225. Well, today I weighed and that scale said I weighed 281.9. That's 31 pounds MORE than I weighed when I started losing weight and 14 pounds MORE tahn I weighed at the heaviest time of my life...when I was preggo.

BLOODY LYING SCALE!!!!

So, Paul wakes up- I tell him about it, he says, "Well, it IS that time of the month!!" and I say, "NO bloody way is "that time of the month" going to make me gain 56 pounds!!!"
So he pulls the scale out and weighs himself. It's spot on with his weight....and so I climb on it- and NOW it says I weigh 227....and since I just ate and showered and have a headfull of waist-length wet hair- I think that's probably spot on as well.
So WHY won't the damn scale work unless Paul is standing there watching it????

Stupid Scale.
(And the scale pictured here- That's what I'm aiming for...about 135-145 pounds.- Cannot wait to get to that point- but for now I'll be happy with dropping below 200!!!!- Hoping that happens by July 4th!!- and I'll be just under halfway there!!!!)


I can see myself continuing to lose weight with the "denture adventure" I'm on. I tried to eat a bite of chocolate last night at work. No such luck. Not only can I still not bite it- when I tried to let it just melt in my mouth- it tasted like cardboard. As does most stuff,... still. I've almost completely stopped taking my dentures out to eat- I'd never get used to eating with them if I continued to do so- and I figure if I can't eat it with 'em in- I don't need to be eating it anyway.
Great diet aid.
Also, aren't you supposed to be tasting stuff with taste buds in your TONGUE????? So why does everything taste like cardboard to me?
It's baffling.

And I swear- I look at something and ask myself- Okay- Am I willing to walk an extra mile tonight at work just to be able to eat/drink this bit of...cake-pie-ice cream, soda, milkshake..etc??????
And the answer is usually NO...and then I walk an extra couple of laps just for even considering it.

I think I may be gonna get a pair of those shoes like Paul has so I can monitor just how many miles I actually DO walk at work every night and how many calories I burn......and I'm having to do the stairs now as well. I was informed that my endurance test will definitely be in June so it's up the training time now.

Size 12 Soon....Right around the block.

Not Again......

For some reason I woke up in a REALLY bad mood today. I had effing nightmares all night long, woke up every 30 minutes, and then finally got sick of it all and got up in one of those moods where I'm just really antsy and nervous. My stomach is churning, and I have the shakes. I feel cold and am shivering but it's actually very nice and sunshiny warm here today. I feel like I may throw up any moment but it's not a virus type- feeling, just nervousness.

What's going on? Like..... I can feel something bad coming, I just don't know what it is or when it will be here.

Do y'all ever have days like this?

Just For the Record.....

Just for the record, I just want to say that I'm not even CLOSE to being as hard to live with as I used to be. I'd go so far as to say I'm about as easy-going as a wife can possibly be unless she just doesn't love her husband at all.

I'm wayyyyyy less jealous than I used to be.
If I want something done, I usually do it myself unless it's something I KNOW I can't do because I've tried before and screwed it up. I don't nag my hubby about anything except one thing and he knows what that is. I don't make demands of him. If he wants something, he gets it if I can possibly make it happen. He says I tend to make everything a battle, and I admit that sometimes I do- but not ALL the time and that's just to make sure he really wants something and it's not just a whim he'll/we'll regret later. And I rarely complain about things that other wives would be yammering about after two days.

Gimme some credit. I'm mellow now compared to how I used to be. I'm not a pain in the ass, but if everyone thinks I am - I can revert to my old ways quick enough and make it true enough.

Y'all wouldn't like me then........cause when I'm Bad- I'm a Royal Bitch and I do it up right.

Exhausted.....But Happy.

Okay- so we have been working on a water-heater install all day. My son, Frank,( I don't know why I always explain who my kids are to y'all every time....by now I think everyone KNOWS Frank is my Eldest son, Julie is my only daughter, and Clay is the baby and is in Heaven now)...sorry.....
Anyway, Frank came over EARLY this morning and he and Paul managed to get the water-heater de-piped, (or whatever you call it) and drained of what water was left in it, and moved out of the way for a new one.
After two trips to the local home center for various plumbing supplies to install the water heater and all the moving stuff around and clearing stuff out of the way, it's still not done yet.

I'm utterly exhausted- I worked a 12 hour shift last night and still haven't made it to bed for even a nap yet.
I called my boss and explained the situation and he called the other night shift officer and asked him if he would mind trading shifts with me...tonight for tomorrow night...and Kev said yes!
Thank you to them both!

And a very special thank you and I appreciate it to my mom for loaning us her truck to haul the stuff in from the home center...and to Frank who came over and has spent the entire day working on this project even tho HE worked mudding TWO houses last night and yesterday and hasn't had any sleep either! And he did it without a word of complaint.
Paul, as well, hasn't had any rest today or last night with his various projects while I'm at work, so I suspect that we ALL will be glad to get a good nights sleep tonight!

Sorry Scratch...but today-
I FEEL BLESSED!!!!!
;-)

Dis N Dat.........

My week so far has been an odd, but good one.


Well, last night at 10PM Paul and I went for a walk.
Yes- at 10 PM. My Blood Pressure meds don't mix well with the sun, so I am truly turning into a Vampire. Like Edward. Only I don't Glitter in the Sun...I BURN like a REAL VAMPIRE!
I had been watching Biggest Loser and realized that I hadn't walked the day before. I had slept most of the day.So, since I had made a promise to myself that even on my days off I would walk at least a mile, I asked Paul if he would walk with me...and even tho he had already walked his during the day when he first got up- he went with me.
(He's so sweet like that!) It was really nice walking with him and us just chatting about normal stuff.


Paul and me and Frank, my son, went to scope out prices on a new water heater. We decided on a 30 gallon instead of the 19 gallon we have now. OMG- to be able to take a shower that lasts more than 5 minutes will be so NICE and I can't wait til in the morning to go get it!!! I probably won't be getting much sleep tomorrow- but that's okay. I don't mind.

The pollen is horrible here this year. We have a dark green car, but looking out the window this morning, it looks Pollen Green....and the pollen is about an 1/8th of an inch think on it too. Paul got out yesterday and finished mowing the lawn......he did the back yard a couple days ago. It really looks good.

I called about my wedding gown yesterday and it STILL hasn't sold yet. You would think a $2900.oo wedding gown would sell for $350.oo quite quickly. Eh- Oh well. Maybe I'll just go claim it back at the end of the consignment agreement and save it for one of my two little adopted Grand-daughters to get married in. Or maybe I should just give it away.
I dunno.

At any rate........................does anyone know a way to keep my cat OUT of my houseplants sleeping?
Lucy has taken up sleeping on the Peace Lily that was one of the plants someone sent when my dad passed and I cannot KEEP her out of it!
It's almost ruined beyond redemption at this point.
And I KNOW once she ruins it the one I have from Clay's will be next and I would have to cut her tail off right behind her ears if that happens....Dad's is bad enough.
If you have any suggestions, PLEASE let me know!!! The life you save will be her own. ;-P

And on that note...I'm off to get ready to go to work in a few.
Y'all have a good day!!

And That's Another Thing.....

Scratch made a comment on my post "Two Peas" about going to a certain website to "meet-up" with people to make new friends. She also wrote her on post on her thoughts......

So that comment has lead to another point I want to make. Don't get me wrong- I ADORE and LOVE the internet and my friends I've made on it. Some of my best friends have made on here. (As an aside, do you have any idea how many NUTTERS and CrackPots I met while I was finding my "GOOD" internet friends? HUNDREDS! It's scary how many there are out there!) Fully half of my friends in my life now are people I know from the internet. But a full 90% of those I have yet to meet face to face in real life! I talk to about maybe half of those on the phone a few times a year.

But that's not the same as meeting people face to face.
I can't stress to you how important I think it is to have real, live, flesh and blood, I can sit in front of you and have lunch or go have a beer together after work type friends.

I honestly don't think you can't have your life almost completely wrapped up in just the w.w.w. and lead a normal life. My belief is that you begin to lose a part of yourself when you stop having Real Life interactions with the human race.
I mean you may interact with a couple of people in RL- but when you are so immersed in the internet, you forget how to deal with people in RL. You become much more jaded and cynical. I think it's too easy to just be able to walk away from anything you don't want to have to deal with. If you're on the computer and you don't like the way a conversation or situation is going, you turn it off or leave the site. If that happens in Real Life, you can't do that. You have to deal with it in one way or another. Even if you DO walk away, you can't just instantly remove yourself from the situation and ignore it- you have to physically deal with it while you're walking away from it. There is no automatic shut-down.

Real Life face to face conversations and the human touch - even if no actual touching is going on- is something we all need to help us retain human emotions like compassion, and shame, and love.

We all need RL human interaction in addition to the internet connections we make. Don't you think?


(I looked at the website Scratch recommended and it looks interesting- it's not just a website- it's actually a website to find local RL interest groups to join. Yay! Thanks Scratch!)

Double Take

Okay- so I'm driving home this morning, half listening to NPR and half trying to figure out some things that have been going wrong the last few days, and into my ears came this tidbit from the radio- "...... is to instill filthy eating habits in children and young adults."

Say Whaaaaaaaaaaaa???


Oh...
Wait...it's NPR..........insert "HEALTHY" for "filthy."

I really should pay attention more. Maybe I'd fall down less.
:-P

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?

WE ARE!!!!!!
Got a phone call from my darling daughter today. She's inviting us to dinner at her house for Easter. Yay!!
It's the first Easter dinner we've had since Clay's passing. And THAT was the last family dinner we all had together.

I'm so looking forward to it!!! She's become a really good cook!!!

Two Peas.......

Today I realized that my hubby and I are alike in yet another way. He hasn't had a chance to get out much and make any new friends since he moved here, due to our weird schedules and everything else thrown into the mix.
Well, today he and I got into a tiff about some odd thing- and so while he went on his daily hour long walk, I decided to take the trash off to the re-cycling center and stop to buy some trash can liners and cat food. I thought I would take my time doing it, maybe just spend some time away from the house so we both could calm down a bit.
Well, I got the cat food and liners....but then I realized altho I have a TON of people I consider my friends, I don't actually have anyone I can go just drop by and visit with for a while.

I can't really visit Julie right now- she's in bed with dental problems and she lives about 40 miles away too which makes it a bit cost prohibitive with us having to get the water heater replaced in the next week or so and even if she was feeling up to visitors and I had the gas to go down there, she and I work opposite schedules. Frank doesn't have his own place and I don't feel comfortable visiting him where he is living now for several reasons. I love Kathy too, but I don't feel comfortable just dropping by after she's worked at the school all day and just got home. My sister next door has her 4 grandchildren for a while and so that just wouldn't be a good place to visit and have a bit of a chat. My other sister lives about 60 miles away and again- she works dusk til dawn managing a store. My brothers both work long hours and my mom has turned into a jet-setter and is never home and just seems to not have time for any of us kids anymore, and altho I have loads of friends .........they all work strange hours or live miles and miles or even states and states away.

***...LOL_ as I'm writing this I have our TV on the classical music station and I realize there is "sad violin" music playing in the background....No respect, I tell you,I get no respect at ALL!!!***

I'm just as alone here as Paul is........what's the saying......alone in a room full of people?
That's us...two peas in a pod.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Sorry Babe

Despite having asked my son to come help Paul put in the new water heater, I decided to do a bit of research on the subject- just on the off chance there might be something we needed that we haven't thought of yet and wanting no big surprises, you know.

So, I read off the list of tools we would need, and the instructions on how to do it.

But, instead of easing our minds about any surprises....all I succeeded in doing was making my husband a nervous wreck thinking of all the things that might/could go wrong with the project.

I give up.
*sigh......*