Sometimes my life is so unbelievably fucked up I wonder how did I ever get to this place in my life?
I mean, I tried to do good in school, be a good daughter, be a good mom, be a good wife, be a good friend.
What happened along the way? At what point did I lose total control of my life and did it start spiraling?
I keep thinking along the way that things cannot possibly get any worse and things will work out. God has a plan and all that....
Well, I've come to the conclusion that it's all a load of horseshit.
There is no plan...things will NEVER get better- my life will continue to spiral and more and more and even more things will fuck up. I cannot be in control of and responsible for everything that happens and everyone it happens to. I don't see why I should be punished for all these things either.
What exactly do I have to look forward to in my life? I'll tell you what....I have a hourly wage job I can "look forward" to going to. I can "look forward" to more family bickering...no matter who leaves me or who loves me enough to stay. I can look forward to the bills coming in- and what bit of money I make going out faster than it comes in. I've begged to be taken away and prayed to have some kind of relief from all this, to get a fresh start.......but one thing or the other stands in the way of change. Other people can walk away from this craphole I call my life...they can move out or away, stop loving me, stop being my friend to get away from the drama...... but I don't have that chance. I have to live with me all the time.
Everything is my fault. I'm a bad daughter, Bad mom, bad wife, bad friend...... I admit it but I can't do anything about it. I just have to decide how to deal with it. I am the constant in all this mess. Me. I have to admit that it has to be something fundamentally wrong with ME. I'm in all the situations in my life- and they just keep happening over and over and over. It's ME. I'm the common denominator in it all. It's no wonder my marriages don't work out. It's no wonder my family is falling apart.
I AM THE PROBLEM.