Monday, April 19, 2010

It's just me.

Sometimes my life is so unbelievably fucked up I wonder how did I ever get to this place in my life?

I mean, I tried to do good in school, be a good daughter, be a good mom, be a good wife, be a good friend.
What happened along the way? At what point did I lose total control of my life and did it start spiraling?

I keep thinking along the way that things cannot possibly get any worse and things will work out. God has a plan and all that....
Well, I've come to the conclusion that it's all a load of horseshit.
There is no plan...things will NEVER get better- my life will continue to spiral and more and more and even more things will fuck up. I cannot be in control of and responsible for everything that happens and everyone it happens to. I don't see why I should be punished for all these things either.

What exactly do I have to look forward to in my life? I'll tell you what....I have a hourly wage job I can "look forward" to going to. I can "look forward" to more family bickering...no matter who leaves me or who loves me enough to stay. I can look forward to the bills coming in- and what bit of money I make going out faster than it comes in. I've begged to be taken away and prayed to have some kind of relief from all this, to get a fresh start.......but one thing or the other stands in the way of change. Other people can walk away from this craphole I call my life...they can move out or away, stop loving me, stop being my friend to get away from the drama...... but I don't have that chance. I have to live with me all the time.

My Life.
Everything is my fault. I'm a bad daughter, Bad mom, bad wife, bad friend...... I admit it but I can't do anything about it. I just have to decide how to deal with it. I am the constant in all this mess. Me. I have to admit that it has to be something fundamentally wrong with ME. I'm in all the situations in my life- and they just keep happening over and over and over. It's ME. I'm the common denominator in it all. It's no wonder my marriages don't work out. It's no wonder my family is falling apart.

I AM THE PROBLEM.
Me.

4 comments:

britishsaffy said...

Sunny, there are two ways I could respond to this...I can either coddle you, or I can be honest and just tell it like it is. I'm going to go for the latter....because I really suck at trying to coddle people....

First of all - I know things haven't been easy on you the last couple of years. You've had more ups and downs and upsets than most people should have, and as such you have very right to feel a little sorry for yourself on occasion. What you do not have the right to do, is blame yourself.
Has it occurred to you that whilst you may be the common denominator, you are also the one who is in the middle always trying to fix things. You're the one trying to smooth things over and keep the peace and so you end up being the one feeling emotionally drained all the time.
Hard as it may be, perhaps it's time to let all the energy leeches suck on someone else's energy for a while and let yourself recuperate.

You are most certainly not a bad friend, I can attest to that as I am sure can a bunch of other people....as for a bad mom, well from what I know you've don everything you can for your kids. To be honest Sunny, you have probably done more than most would and maybe expectations of you are higher than they should be. I mean when someone constantly bails you out of trouble then maybe you just start to expect that that person will continue to do so........that is NOT your fault.

As I understand it, every person you refer to is an adult, so they need to take responsibility for themselves.
I don't know what you consider to be the makings of a good wife, but you do everything I would consider a good wife would do. You go to work, you cook, you clean and you love Paul......what else is there? You cannot agree on everything all the time. That would be BORING!

Don't let it all grind you down - take a few deep breaths, remember that you are not responsible for everyone, and just go on about your daily life.....Concentrate on making YOU happy and everything else comes later.

*HUGS*

Kelly

d e v a n said...

((hug))

Scratch the hostile fay said...

dooooooooood.

Sometimes you have to make up your own family. Cut the blood relatives out entirely, if that's what you need to do. I don't talk to my family much either... instead, I have friends who take the place of family.

You have Paul. You also have online friends. Yeah, the job sucks, but at least you have one (I'm not going to go into the spiel on how you should be "thankful you have a job"--that's no motivation). You have (I'm assuming)child(ren), who love you very much. You aren't a crack addict (I hope).

And I have a "Blade" movie poster that needs a home. I worked at a Hollywood video a looooooooooooooooong time ago and it's been rolled up in my closet since I quit. Lemmie know if you want it.

Hey! Things are looking up! Yea!

Scratch (verfication word o'the moment: "LININA")

Lois said...

You are a great friend (and everything else).
Hugs to you, Lois