I Can Handle It....

The 3rd anniversary of my son's passing is coming up on the 26th of this month.
And he's been visiting me in my dreams all week long.

When it first happened, I didn't dream of him. It was if my mind had completely shut down at night. I dreamt of getting the news of the accident. I dreamt of searching for him and not being able to find him. I drempt of the funeral. But I never saw HIM. I wept every time a thought of him passed my mind for the first year- and that was pretty often...several times a day. The second year, I cried a bit less, usually only breaking down when I saw or heard something and immediately thought, "I gotta call Clay and tell him about that- he'll think that's hilarious!!"...and then I remembered I couldn't call him and share with him....he was gone.

This past year I finally a dream about him. It was around my Birthday. He came for a visit and we sat and talked and he said he was happy and not to worry about him so much. And I got a hug from him too. He gave great hugs.
When he was little, I would get on my knees so we were about the same height and he would wrap his little arms around my neck and hug...Not too hard like some little kids do- not too loose and tentative like he wasn't really happy about it- it was a hug that let me know he loved me and was happy just being there hugging me and everything else could wait a minute til we was finished. Unhurried. And when he grew up to be the 6'3 man he was...his hugs didn't change. No matter where we was or who we were with- whenever we ran into each other, at the mall, at the supermarket, where-ever, he would give me a hug like that. Once, when he was a teenager, he was with his friends "cruising" at the local shopping mall...(actually they was just sitting around in the parking lot on the hoods of their cars talking and having fun- but they called it "cruising")... and when I pulled in the parking lot a few lines over from them, he trotted over and gave me a hug. His friends tried giving him a hard time about hugging his mom at his age- but he turned around and told them that he didn't care-that was HIS MAMA and if they didn't hug THEIR mama's they was stupid cause no one took care of you and loved you like your mama did. That shut them up.
It was a proud moment in my life too, because He wasn't led by the crowd-he spoke his mind, he was the leader. And he had sense about him, too. And I was happy when he met his Kathy. It was love at first sight for him- seriously, he came home the very first day he met her and told me he had met the girl he was going to marry- and he did.


I've told you about mine and Clays last visit, and I'll probably again on the 26th- I repost because I usually don't feel up to writing that day.
But to be able to dream about him and be able to see him again in those dreams and to get hugs again....I can handle it now. It makes me happy instead of terribly, terribly sad.

He is still with me in my heart.