Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Two Posts- One Day......

It has been a very strange couple of days for Paulius and myself.
The weather here is cooling down now(thank GOD).

We were at the hospital yesterday for a LONG time. My Dad is dying of Cancer for those of you who don't know. He is in his final days with us. The doctors gave him a choice yesterday morning. He has been saying how he wants to go home. The doctor told him he could certainly do that if he wanted- all they are doing right now is to try and keep him comfortable. We thought we had a while left with him. The thing is- they found two more types of VERY aggressive cancer other than the one he already haswhen they did a new battery of tests a week ago. He has declined significantly in the past three weeks.
He told the doc that he wanted to live 10 more years- and she told him it was NOT a realistic goal- he knew that LONG ago. He smiled and said he knew that- but it didn't change the fact that altho he is ready to go home to his Lord- it doesn't mean he wouldn't like to live 10 more years with his family here.
She told him that there was one last treatment that they hadn't given him,because he was so weak, but if he wanted to try it, there was the slightest possibility that it might give him a little extra time with his family before he was called home.
She also informed us all that as weak as he is there is a good chance he wouldn't make it thru the treatment because it even made much stronger people deathly ill.
My daddy made the decision to try the treatment.
I can't say all of us approved of the decision he made because it wouldn't be the truth. We want to have him with us as long as possible and the chances of him not making it thru the treatment didn't seem great enough to take the chance of him being taken from us sooner.
On the other hand- we didn't want to say anything because well,
one- it was what HE wants that counts- it's his life after all and we don't want him to lose hope and give up-
two-we didn't want him to think that we want him to die by saying we didn't want to take the chance of the treatment not working, when it might prolong his life for another few days. Yes- days is what they say MIGHT be given to us.

It was a hard thing to discuss between ourselves- we can't talk in front of daddy because we get too upset.
And that upsets him, which in turn upsets us even's a viscious cycle.

Anyway, he wanted to try it- and so they started it up yesterday afternoon. He actually came thru the first phase of it better than they expected.
He has two more phases of it today- and again tommorrow. And then we have to wait about a week to find out if it actually DID anything to help- or if it had no effect. IF he lasts that long.

And I can't understand why he GOT Cancer in the first place.
No one has lived a healthier lifestyle than my dad. he has alays been active- never been sick other than a small sniffle in the winter-not even a bad cold til this cancer came along. He never smoked- didn't drink except the odd beer on a hot summers day after mowing the lawn(all 8 acres of it)- never did drugs or ate much processed foods(an occasional Big Mac Meal maybe once every 6 months)- always had a big garden and ate lots of fresh veggies and fruits.

Daddy has always been our rock. Always there when we needed anything. Not when we WANTED anything- but needed. My dady believed in making your own way in the world- but if you needed him- he was always there to make things better and right.
Over the years I have fallen many times, and my daddy was always there to help me up and dust off my backside and dry my tears on his shoulder.

Now I sit by the hospital bed and dry my tears on his hanky and just hold his hand because so many tubes are run in his body I can't find a spot big enough to put my head to cry. Sometimes I just want to crawl up on the bed and curl up like I did when I was 5 or 10 and wrap my arms around him and beg him to please don't leave us- we're not ready. But I can't. I can't do that to him. He needs to focus on what he needs and wants to do rather than worrying about us now.

I know this has been a long post- it's not interesting and probally not what you all want to be reading. Nor am I sure I should have written it on here. But I can't sleep- and as you can see from the last post- my mood shifts every 10 minutes.

I didn't even write about what I started out to write about- namely about the nice weather we had yesterday -how cool it was even tho it was bright sunshiney and the wind blowing thru the trees made me think of angel wings beating and how I was thinking they might be there to take my daddy home and I thought to them to go away- it wasn't time yet. And how my brother told us he had been thinking about Daddys service and if we wanted anything written down and said at it we might want to start thinking on it and writing it down now because when the time came we wouldn't be able to think clearly.

I agree with him. But I don't think I can do it.

I'm sorry guys,
I'm a basketcase right now.



Pete said...

I am so sorry for this difficult time you are going through. How lucky your father is to have such a loving daughter. I am keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Lois said...

Hey, Sunny,
Sending much love and support to you at this horrible time. You're doing all the right things for your Dad. Try to take care of yourself too.

Talk soon.
Love, Lois

Chief Slacker said...

Hugs, hugs, HUGS! Here I was going to come and harrass you and try to get you to join Fantasy Football, but obviously you have much more important things on your mind! I hope all goes as well as it possibley can!

MC Etcher said...

Such a difficult time for all of you. You sound like a great daughter!

Sunny said...

Chief- if you can explain HOW it woreks and it will take my mind off all this other stuff for a few minutes a day- I will.

Thanks all for the thoughts and prayers.

Vicarious Living said...

Oh Sunny
Hugs and prayers and thoughts being sent your way!

Smart Socratics said...

Some time, when you are able, read the book "When Bad Things Happen To Good People." It's written by Rabbi Harold Kushner. It helped me out a lot when my dad died when he was 49 in 1986. And, when you are able, read "In The Midst of Winter." edited by Ann Moffat. It's a book of essays and poems about death/dying and grieving. It helps to know that the feelings you are experiencing are normal, crazy-like but normal none the less. My thoughts are with you and your loved one.