Tears......

I miss my baby boy.

This is HARD!

I told y'all I was a Type II diabetic now, along with my previous heart condition.
Well, Doc Barb put me on a 1200 Calorie a day diet.
It allowed me to have pretty much anything I want as long as I stay within the 1200 cal a day range. However, I am NOT known for my will-power when it comes to dieting.
SO, K(more about her later) and I found a diet on the Internet and copied it off and I ran IT past my doctor who said it was even better than the one she gave me and for me to GO for it and Good Luck!
(Only thing is I can't drink the citrus(grapefruit ) juice. I'm mildly allergic and get a horrible blistered mouth and a rash around my mouth and on my face and chest, but Doc says it's just that fewer calories to have to deal with and not to worry- to just take a multi-vitamin every day as well.)
So ,basically it's about the same diet but without the sugars and starches(less options equal less chance to mess up) but I have to stay strictly ON it for 12 days, then go off it for two days and eat what I want(within reason- meaning I can have a roll with dinner and a slice of toast with breakfast- and even dessert for dinner or a snack )BOTH days I'm OFF the diet. But then I have to return to the strict diet for another 12 days. Ad nauseum........

The diet is the one doctors usually give heart patients about to have bi-pass surgery and who need to lose weight relatively quickly. It pretty much cuts out all starches and sugars for the 12 days.

And THAT'S The hard part.
I didn't really realize how OFTEN I mindlessly reach for bread, or a soda, or a cookie or POTATOES!
For instance this morning(for me)(afternoon for you guys).....
On the diet for breakfast, I'm required to have 2 slices of bacon and two eggs- any style I want.
Well, I put the bacon on and it got all crispy brown and just the way I like it- and then I decided on easy over eggs. So I put them in the pan and while I was standing there I automatically went to the cabinet to make a slice of toast as well.
And caught myself.
So I walked back over to the stove and when the eggs finished I put them on the plate and then was looking around AGAIN for the toast.
I went and sat down at the table and ate a couple bites and, without thinking, got up and went to the cabinet to get a slice of bread to go with it.
Luckily I caught myself again.
So then I moved myself, and my breakfast, into the living room away from the bread storage......because face it- I'm far too smart to forget and go after bread again. (Not to mention far too lazy-it's a long walk JUST for a slice of bread. I get enough walking at my job every night.)

Or so I thought.....Once again I took a couple bites and let my mind wander off to what I should have been doing today instead of sleeping until almost time to go back in to work this evening, and I put my plate aside, got up and was halfway back to the bread storage area when I realized what I was doing, AGAIN.

Which got me thinking.....just how many times in the past two years I have been trying to lose weight have I done this? Sabotaged myself by just not THINKING about what I was doing- or eating?
Drinking sweet drinks isn't too hard to control......I drink LOADS of water anyway- and the vending machine at work NEVER has soda in it........it's the only one in the entire hospital, if you can believe that.
There IS a cafe but it shuts down for the night just as I am coming in to work(Blessing among blessings)- so that means no sweet tea- nor colas unless I bring them from home.

So I have a friend at work, K, who sometimes walks with me when I do my grand hourly tours. My diet buddy. Together we keep our minds off the temptations and I think we're doing a great job of losing a bit of weight together by being able to commiserate our failures and celebrate our successes. Much like my friends Lois and terry when we were all three on WW together. Nothing beats a good support system who will laugh and tease you out of temptations way without the scolding like your mom would do when you were little.
We've lost about 10 pounds since we started in January- but when I realized how much mindless eating I do, it makes me wonder how much MORE I could have lost just by keeping my mind on me meal instead of wandering off thinking about other things.

I'm keeping a closer handle on my eating habits from now on.
Some how, some way. This weight is NOT going to beat me.
Not THIS time. I have too much to live for.

Owwww- I Like a Bit O' Cake!!!!!!!

Talk about a day of ups and downs...


Yesterday I got up having my day all planned out.
Tradition in our family is on your birthday you get to do whatever you want- within reason- all day long.
Let's just say it didn't happen yesterday for me.

So anyway, I got up thinking Paulius and I would get to spend the day together..... but he was asleep and I couldn't rouse him to go do things with me. I'm not one to sit around sulking when things don't go the EXACT way I planned- so I set off on my own for my Birthday Adventure.
First I went to my eldest son's house. He told me for my birthday he was going to check all the fluids in my car for me so I wouldnt have to be bothered with doing it. If I had had time he would have changed the fluids and filters as well but I had other plans. So insted of him doing it right away- we decided he and his wife, Marie, and their baby boy, Nicholas, would ride with me up to see the new baby and his mama.
So we loaded up and off we went to Travelers rest to spend some time with them.
We got halfway there and I saw the car was almost on empty- so I pulled into the station to re-fuel.
Well my sweet son got out to pump it and when he was finished he got gas all over his hand...........
I know- small thing- just go in the restroom and wash it off....no can do- it was closed and so no hand wash.

Ah well, we rode on........Poor Frank and me BOTH have been having some serious tooth problems in the past couple of months.......I think stress has a lot to do with it. Anyway, we get to Kathy and Lil C's house and the traveling nurse pulls up wanting to weigh the baby and do a routine house-call on the new mommy. So we go thru all that.

Kathy got some LOVELY photos of the baby done at SEARS of all places! They are SO cute!
Anyway, after the nurse finally left we got to visit for a couple hours before Kathy started getting tired and we decided to leave so she could rest. I got to hold the baby and feed him and put his clothes on him........I didn't get to change him tho......he was too busy eating to mess up a diaper for Nana. But Kathy gave me a lovely framed collage of her maternity photos for my birthday!
I cant wait to get the new baby pics as well!

My poor Frank just got depressed while we was up there at his brothers house....he said it just wasn't right that Clay wasn't there with us.
I agreed.

I was going to go by the cemetary as well but I decided to wait a few days for that visit. Frank was already upset and I didn't want to add to his stress anymore that day.

So we went down to my daughter, Julies, house.
She lives about 40 miles from me and I hardly ever get to see her anymore with our schedules being so in conflict! And to make it worse- I totally missed the exit to her house and I drove nearly 10 miles out of my way before I realized what I had done...and had to backtrack.....
But we had a nice visit anyway.......
Only Julie had went to the dentist last week and she was hurting as well.
She's usually the one who makes me a birthday cake, she wasn't feeling well enough to bake so I didn't get one this year.
I was sad........ as Paulius says"it's just not the same without a cake with a candle in it."
And it's true.

So I was thinking that it was Sunday for some strange reason, and we got started home right at 4:30 PM........and got caught in the 4 oclock traffic rush........which lasted so long it lead to us being caught in the 5 oclock traffic rush as well.
Then my nerves were shot and I could feel an anxiety attack coming on so I stopped at the pharmacy to get my script refilled- which took about 20 mins -and when we came out it was just after 6PM which led to us being caught in the 6 oclock traffic rush as well.
I had left home at noonish- and had left a note for Paulius saying I was going on to do my stuff and I would be home by 6......so I had to have Marie call him and let him know I was getting ready to drop them off and I would be right home.
Well when we got back to Frank and maries Frank wanted to put the fluids in the car so I waited while he checked everything out and filed it up.......He said I still need a couple quarts of oil and a quart of Tranny fluid but I didn't have it with me , nor the time to go buy more, so it'll have to wait a while.

Anyway, I went home after that and Paulius was waiting at the door and kissed me and sang happy birthday to me-MY STYLE!!!
That was GREAT!
He said he was waiting for me to come home to start dinner- but I wanted to go out to eat. So we went out to Applebee's Bar & Grill for dinner and it was great. BUT- I decided that since I didn't get cake I was going to get dessert- and it was just a bit too much!!!!!
But then we came home and watched a movie-Oceans Thirteen- which I fell in sleep in the middle of.

I got several cards, three people phoned me and sang to me- and I got LOADS of e-mail wishes...........but......


I still want my CAKE!
Yeah- I'm spoiled......But-
It's ALL ABOUT ME on my Birthday!!!!!!

I Ain't Ashamed..............

Today I am 48 years old.

When did I become 48? True, sometimes I FEEL 148.......but mostly I feel the same way I did when I was about 25.

Tradition in my family says on your birthday, you are allowed to do pretty much anything you want...(Within reason, you know).

So today I am going to go to my eldest son's house and he is going to do some maintenance on my auto for me- then I/we are going to see the new baby , and then I'm going to see my daughter for a while. (Paulius would come but he's still napping........)
Then I'll come home and Paulius and myself will have a nice dinner and maybe a couple of drinks...and then we're doing a movie(at home on the couch together) and then some serious snuggling.

So I'm off now to do birthday things.

Page 123 Meme..........Couldn"t Resist.....

"The Dark one mentioned wanting to feed. So I believe they'll go out soon, unless they keep a supply of victims in the mansion itself. And I can't sense any."

From:
"Demon's Kiss" by Maggie Shayne.

Yeah I'm a HUGE vampire freak. And this book has it all, ......Vampires, Shape-Shifters, Chosen Ones, Assassins......Yum! There's not too much romance in it either....that can ruin a good vampire story, can't it?

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Rules…

1. Find the book closest to you (with at least 123 pages).

2. Open it to page 123.

3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the next three sentences.

5. Tag five people and post a comment here after you post it to your blog, so others can read it (including me!).

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I'm tagging Saffy, Julie, Paulius, Ozzy and MC............what have Y'ALL been reading lately?
Oh- and it doesnt have to be the book nearest you- it can be your favorite- or one of your choice!
"Demons's Kiss" was my most recently read book........

I Couldn't Resist..........

The ULTIMATE DUMB BLOND.......(Sorry, Jessica, but it's true.....no one PLAYS at being THAT dumb.....)


Except for the pic it's a completely borrowed post from Devan.
I LOVE a good Dumb Blond joke even tho they are oft repeated ones........


A blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
The blond gets very angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head. The boyfriend yells, "NO, honey, don't do it!"
The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."



There was the President, a boy scout, a pilot, and the smartest blond in the World on an airplane. Suddenly the plane started to dive and was about to crash when they realized there were only three parachutes on board. The President immediately stated, "I must live to rule this country!" as he grabbed a parachute and jumped from the plane. The smartest blond in the World said, "I am a rare and beautiful creature so I must also live," and she grabbed a parachute and jumped behind the President.
The Pilot looked at the boy scout and said, "I must go so that the President has his pilot, will you be okay?" The boy scout replied, "sure, the smartest blond in the world just jumped with my book bag!"




A blond pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"



A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"



There's this blond out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blond on the opposite bank.. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blond looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."



A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blond." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."



A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blond behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blond yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"



A Russian, an American, and a Blond were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blond said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blond replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"


A blond was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


A girl was visiting her blond friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blond responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"



80,000 blonds are gathered for a "Blonds Are Not Stupid" convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blonds are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blond gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "18!" Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then, 80,000 blonds start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "90?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened. The blond starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "4?". Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream ... Give her another chance! Give her another chance!


My apologies

CJ Photo and Video.......

Our Baby Clay......... I mean CJ.
And he's a Clemson TIGER fan!!!!

Thank you to my daughter Julie, who, BTW, has a new blog!

And to my sister Tee for making a trip all the way to my daughters house to help her send them to me.

I'm so in love with the little man.

He's Here!

Well, it certainly has been an exciting week!
I don't have photos downloaded yet-(Paulius does all the technical stuff on here) but I can tell you that little CJ(Charles Clayton, Junior) finally arrived on Feb 19th at 11:13 PM after a grueling 31 hour labor.

He's a handsome little one- and very quiet- he only cries when he needs changing or is hungry.
He weighed in at 6 pounds 13.7 oz. ........18 & 1/2 inches long, with a bit of blond peach fuzz for hair.

It was a bit concerning when he was delivered and had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck three times....... but it was unlooped quickly and he became a healthy pink in a matter of seconds.

Our little Kathy was such a brave girl...........I am so proud of her!

I'm still exhausted, I only got about two hours sleep in the past three days, so I'm going to rest awhile- but be assured- as soon as possible I will be posting photos of our newest sweetheart!

BABY ON THE WAY.......

........but he's taking his sweet time making his grand entrance.....

Been at the hospital since 1PM yesterday waiting. The nurses think it will be sometime this evening.
Update to follow when I return home.......

Nice and Neat and Organized......

I just spent the past two and a half hours cleaning out and organizing the four drawers in our shared desk.....or at least it has been shared up to this point. I decided that I would clean out my two drawers in the desk so Paulius could have them to store his ever growing collection of information he needs to write and gadgets he has to keep him occupied in his spare time.

So I figure, it won't take but a half hour to do it- and set off getting it done.
Little did I realize that both of us had been putting stuff in there and so I ended up having to go thru every single piece of paper that was in those desk drawers and decide if they were something that needed to be kept or a throwaway..........then after cleaning them out, I re-organized them and put all his gadgets in a drawer by themselves and all his receipt folders in one. His most used things went in the one he had them in, and all his manuals and such went in the last one.

After I finished I sat there and looked around our home and realized if I cleaned and organized things back into shape it would take me all year........

What brought all this on? We took the morning to go to a shop yesterday and they had the most WONDERFUL Kitchen gadgets and it made me want to completely re-do our kitchen....get organized and such. Then while sitting at the desk this morning I realized how upside down IT was and decided to just clear my stuff out and let Paulius have it completely for all his belongings.

What am I going to do about desk space?
I have a file cabinet I have all my stuff in at the moment....but I have an antique headboard and foot-board that I had given to Clay and then he and Kathy got married and furnished their home together. he completely forgot about the bed frame so he gave it back to me. I think I'll have it made into a desk for me. I don't need a huge desk like Paulius does....and when we get a laptop- I'll put it on my desk.
;-)
I call that A PLAN!

Takin It Easy.....

This is my easy week. My week I work only 3 days.
And I'm taking advantage of it. No real WORK at home to speak of- altho i DID go look at a storage building.
We really can't afford one at the moment- but I have a thought..........
I/WE do need to get rid of some of the stuff that is boxed up in the house. We have a couple of Norwegian rats and a few house-mice that have decided that our house is their winter vacation home. Not MY house they don't.
I went and got rat poison and put it out this morning.......or should I say IN...in the utility closet that is their favorite place to create havoc and chaos. In behind the places the doggies can't get to. The little bastuards won't be around long........I hate rodents as much as I hate insects and snakes.
Disgusting!
*************************************
Still no new baby yet.......
He's taking his time.
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I just want to say to a couple of my friends here who are having a really BAD week...
I'm sorry- my heart goes out to you- and just remember, it's darkest before Daylight Savings Time...........There's a silver lining behind every dark cloud...What does not kill us only makes us stronger...........and this too shall pass.
Now that I've proverbed you all to tears......

HUGE HUGS!!!!!

Cut and Paste..................................

Okay, let me begin by apologizing to anyone I have recently sent a forward to.....It was temporary insanity.

I have been getting at LEAST 50 forwards a day for several weeks now..........and most of them are from people I barely know and who it is painfully obvious have NO idea what I like and find funny. My FRIENDS do...and send me forwards showing they do.

As one friend put it.."Forwards are a double edged sword- Some people use them to "keep in touch" and let you know they're "thinking of you."" True- but those I don't mind- its the ones I receive that have 1388 OTHER addresses attached to it as well that annoy me. Especially when they have anything to do with a subject I have no interest in "bear hunting" or some such crap as that.....

I have very little time to read my e-mail and write with a full time job and those forwards are taking up too much of my precious time I could be spending with my husband and family or writing an actual blog or e-mails that my friends will enjoy reading.

So from now on.........in order to avoid all the annoyance, I will NOT open forwards anymore...If you think it's funny enough to send me and you are really THINKING it will cheer me up in some way- CUT and PASTE it to a regular e-mail and it will be looked at. If you take the time and effort to do that I will read it and be fairly sure you actually ARE sending it to me instead of me just being included in your mailing list of 1389 mailing addresses-Otherwise- if it says FW in the title- It will be deleted into cyberspace.



So sorry if I upset anyone- but it had to be said.

Open Letter From Barney to My Former Masters.

HELLO!!!!

Greetings from my new home!!!

My new masters have named me 'Barney'........'Mac' just didn't quite suit me, they said. I quite like it and am responding to it when they call me by name.
They seem pleased that I like my new name.
Buddy(Their big doggie) and I are getting along famously..... so far. And, as long as he stays out of MY food bowl, things will continue to go nicely.
;-)
Believe it or not- I think I might be Alpha Dog of the two of us!!!! He(Buddy) is just a big baby and when I bark at him, he just about jumps out of his shaggy, fur coat!
We are BOTH the SAME color, too! However, he always has a bit of a confused look on his face and it concerns me somewhat. I'm sure with time he will realize I am a playmate for him, and not one of those annoying creatures they call a 'CAT' that they talked about on the way home.

I've been exploring my new home and there are all sorts of places to hide and lots of toys to play with here!!!
I have a lovely Blue Velvet Blanket all to myself and they bought me a big bag of my regular food and a pretty, bright blue harness at PetSmart, and a collar and lead to match as well.
I also got a new toy for myself and the big shaggy dog to play tug of war with!

We have had lots of company coming over today. I was on my best behavior and they all agree that I am QUITE the charmer!
(I hope that's a good thing for a doggie!)

I'll send an update in a few days just to let you know everything is still working out.
Thank you so much finding me a good, happy, loving home!
I miss you all, but am sure in a few days I will be settled in quite nicely here as well!

Love,
Barney

Ummmmm.....

Why DO guys wear socks with sandals????

Stuff....and THINGS!!!!!

This weekend was crazy with the ups and downs!

Such As:.......

I'm getting a puppy! (Isn't he CUTE?) A breeder has sweetly asked if I would like to have him...the last of a litter that she wasn't able to sell. He's not a baby by any means-5 months old- but he IS still a puppy. His name is BigBoy, altho, I think that's "stretching" it a bit. Hahahahahahaha.....get it? Stretching it?
Ahhhhhh, I KILL me sometimes!!!
Anyway, I'm going to pick him up on Wednesday Morning if all goes as planned. And I may re-name him Mac. I haven't decided yet. Maybe just add it to his "Now Name" until he gets used to it and then just call him Mac....he just looks like the one my son had when he was at home- and his name was Mac, so I KNOW I'm gonna end up calling him Mac half the time anyway- just from habit.
Any thoughts on re-naming a pet when you get them? Good idea- bad idea?
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Now, Kathy's baby shower yesterday was a BLAST! We had about 45 people come- played some games, ate some food, and watched her open gifts! She got some lovely stuff! And the nursery is LOVELY! She did it in Baby Safari or Zanzibar. She has that room so perfect that I wanna live in it!!! All Sage greens and muted blues and tans.....it's so adorable!
Her friend Kelly was in charge of games.......Of course we played the pin game where everyone gets a mini clothes pin(peg) and clips it on their outfit. Then you're not allowed to say the word "Baby" because if you do- the one to catch you saying it takes your pin. And you have to be extra careful because if you have caught 4 people and have all their pins and you get caught saying the B word- then you don't just lose ONE pin, you lose ALL of them!
I think Kelly's mom won that game cause she looked like a clothes-line gone bad with all the pins on her shirt.
Another game we were GOING to play was the "Guess the Candy Bar "game.
See, you get a few (3-5) disposable diapers and put a different candy bar in each one. Then you put them in the microwave and let them melt for a FEW seconds and then pass them around and guess what the candy bar is in each one.
Well, Miss Kelly put the candy barred diapers in the microwave oven for too long and ....well, have you ever SMELLED Burnt chocolate? There was smoke galore. It was just too funny! We abandoned that game- too close to reality after burning the chocolate.
;-)All in all tho- it was a GOOD day altho we were ALL exhausted by the time it was over.
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I was afraid we-(Kathy and I)-were going to get upset at the shower- but Kathy and I both held it together.
I had to drive right by the accident site on my way home tho, and Kathy's mom had asked my sister to dispose of the balloons off the mailbox, so she had taken them and put them on the 4 foot Cross that adorns the place where my son came to rest after he was ejected form the car that night.
I was planning on stopping for a minute there anyway, but I was there about an hour pouring out my grief. I just couldn't stop crying, nor bring myself to leave. But, I finally pulled myself together enough to come home. Obviously. Doh!
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When I got home, Paulius and I spent a good bit of time together without me falling asleep too early like I usually do on my days off! I actually made it to almost 4AM before toddling off to bed. I've figured out that I can stay awake at work until 6AM because I am moving around and doing stuff....at home I am parked in front of a TV or reading a book because it's the middle of the night and have nothing to do but vegetate and I can't sit still at night without falling asleep.
Only bad side to my working nights.
We also watched a movie this weekend....I'll just let Paulius Blog speak for my opinion on "The Invasion". It's EXACTLY the same as his.
BTW- has anyone seen "Cloverfield" yet? I kinda want to see it- but from the trailers it's either gonna be a HUGE hit with me OR a HUGE disappointment. I'd like at least one review of it before I go see it.
*****************************************************************
Back to work for me now today.....I have my long week this week- I'll be working 12 hour shifts today and tomorrow, then be off two days, and then work my long weekend. I don't mind tho- I LOVE this schedule!
Best part is I'm saving so much money on fuel for my car!!!! I was working 10-12 days for a 2 week period, but now I'm only working 7 days in the same time-frame and traveling less- and for a bit more pay too!
This is freaking awesome!
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Having a bad day.......

My family and friends(and mostly my hubby) worry that I am always on the go, DOING stuff, and worrying about others instead of resting and relaxing.

They just don't realize that I HAVE to keep myself busy. I try to exhaust myself and keep my mind off things. I go every second I can til I AM so exhausted when my head hits the pillow I fall asleep instantly, because if I'm not- I can't sleep. I spend hours there with thoughts of how Clay must have felt those last few seconds of his life- all kinds of horrible things running thru my mind about did he suffer the agony of that flipping car- his arms and legs being twisted about and the ejection from the car. Or was he blissfully unconscious during those last few seconds- oblivious to the hell he was going thru?

I wonder about if he was outside his body when he passed- watching all the commotion that was surrounding him- the man who lived at the house trying to flag down help and looking all over the field for him when he couldn't find anyone in the car? Did he see The highway patrolman having to hold Kathy, Clays wife, back because she recognised the car when she came looking for him when she had that "feeling" that something wasn't right and decided to go look for him- or meet him on the way home?

Or as I lay there I think of Clay when he was a baby and would lay next to me in bed with his sweet baby smell and the downy softness of his hair tickling my face as he wiggled in his baby sleep and dreams. I think of the times we would take a nap on those hot summer days when he was little, the fan blowing a breeze across us as we lay there with the TV or radio softly playing in the background. I'll lie there and think of the times I would try and get him to go to sleep for a while and the only way I could get him to sleep was to lightly scratch his back and softly sing Amazing Grace to him as he drifted off. And then I remember that the last thing I did for him before they closed his coffin was to stand beside him and rub his head and softly sing him That song and tell him "sweet dreams, my baby boy.. I love you a MILLION BAZILLION".That was how much he would say he loved me when he was a little boy and didn't know many numbers. It was a huge lot to him- the biggest number EVER, as he put it.

I wonder how much of his life I made him waste taking a nap when he was young. I think about all the times I spanked him or yelled at him or fussed about things he had done- or not done. I know they seemed like good reasons at the time, and I know I was just trying to be a good parent- but It all seems so petty and pointless and it comes back to haunt me now that he is gone.

I want my baby back. I want to be able to hug him and hold him and laugh with him and watch him hold his baby boy and kiss his wife. I want to be able to see him growing older and I want him here for all our family things, fighting with his brother and sister over the last glass of sweet tea and telling us his stories to make us laugh.

I wish I could stop the tears- I have cried oceans and still they come. I sometimes want the pain to stop-but I know it won't, nor do I ever want to stop grieving for my baby. I need to grieve and mourn, I just don't know how to do it and carry on with my normal life.

I want things the way they WERE!!!

It DOES Look Like Fun......

Saffy had this on hers and it DOES look like fun so here are MY answers!!

When was the last time you:

1. kissed someone? About 20 minutes ago- I got up from napping and kissed Paulius on the cheek before getting up.

2. drank coffee? This morning. I made a pot of coffee at work and made myself a cup for the ride home.

3. read a book? I'm in the middle of one now that my BFF Lois sent me from FL. The Christmas Train by David Baldacci. I'm always reading......ALWAYS.

4. cursed? This morning when I stepped out of the warm building where I work into the 27 degree wet rain to walk across the parking lot to my car...without an umbrella.

5. had a nightmare? January 29th. It was the night I had THREE nightmares about Clay.

6. checked your email? 5 minutes ago.I am constantly checking my email. I'm an e-addict, too.

7. had a crush? Today. I STILL have a crush on my hubby.

8. drove a car? This afternoon when I went to the pharmacy to get my moms scripts filled for her. Shes in bed, sick with Asmatic Bronchitis.

9. rode a roller-coaster? Two years ago when me & Paulius and all my grown kids had a family outing at Carowinds.

10. took a nap? This afternoon after getting my moms stuff for her. I worked 12 hours last night! LUCKILY I have the rest of the weekend off...til Monday night that is.. I nap every day before work tho.

11. went to the movies? Well over a year ago...Paulius and I went to seeHP4 and it sucked.

12. drank alcohol? Last weekend when I drank some of Paulius' Beer.

13. went to a party? I went to a Superbowl Party at Clay & Kathys house the year The Panthers and the Patriots played....you know- they year of the great Wardrobe Malfunction.

14. said "I love you'? ABout 10 minutes ago to my mom when I called to check on her. And before that it was to Kathy when I called to check on her. And before that it was to my daughter Julie when I called to check on her. And before that it was to Paulius when I got up.
I LOVE YOU is an often repeated phrase in our family. I say it to Paul at least a dozen times a day. Some people thing that it loses meaning if you say it alot- but I disagree...it just lets a person know that they are loved and nothing has changed.

15. cooked a meal? Day before Yesterday...I made chicken for a salad for me- and chicken sandwiches for Paulius before toddling off to work.

16. exercised? Last night at work...I walk 240 minutes and climb stairs for 30 every night at work on the days I work.

what's your favorite.....

1. food - Paulius' Bacon Mozzerella Chicken. OMG that stuff will melt in your mouth. Literally.

2. movie - Shawshank Redemption and Office Space. One for Drama- the other for Comedy...you cant choose between them.

3. song - Amazing Grace.

4. color - Either Black or Bitch Blue.(Sort of an electric neon royal blue)

5. outdoor activity - fishing

6. season - AUTUMN!!!!!!

7. book - The Harvester by Gene Stratton-Porter

8. store - Victorias Secret

9. car - 72 Challenger with a 318 engine.

10. animal - Hands down horses...they are such majestic animals.
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A Bit Of This & That...................

Well, this weekend, on Sunday, is Kathy's Baby Shower. We know she's having a boy and it will be good to have a happy occasion to celebrate. She's naming the baby Charles Clayton after his daddy.
I think she will be a wonderful mama and I think she will make Clay proud. I know I am proud of her and the way she has handled this situation. I'm not sure i would have been able to be as strong as she has. Love does strange things sometimes tho, doesn't it?
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I found out tonight that some of the girls at work have taken to reading my blog. LOL- I had given a couple of the girls my link to look at the photos of Paulius' B-day cake and they started reading a few of the back posts.
I don't mind...altho I DID warn them that I like to say bad words sometimes. I hope they comment sometimes on here too- I like input on what I write about. Good or bad....input is input. So a BIG shout-out to Karen, Stephanie, and Kelly!!!! Welcome to my blog-world!
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I may be getting a 5 month old, red, male Dachshund this weekend. I'll know the details by Saturday evening. I LOVE those sweet little doggies. I think Buddy and the new one will get along just fine...both of them by nature are dumb as a box of rocks.
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I've lost 5 pounds so far in the weight loss challenge I joined at my job. 2 last week and three this week. By this rate I'll be at goal by Christmas! Yay!! AND I'll be healthy(ier) too!
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I'm tired....so I'm going to go to sleep now!!
Y'all have a great weekend!!!