Nightmares

Someone said on their blog that Dreams are answers to questions we haven't asked.

I guess I have the answer to my unasked questions.

I woke up from a nightmare this morning.....crying, hurt, confused......but mostly scared.
I have nightmares mostly about something going wrong with the process of the mountain of paperwork we have been doing since we married and him having to return to the U.K.
For some reason, in my nightmares, I can't go back with him and have to remain in the U.S.

If there is any doubt about how much I love my husband- the Doubting Thomas should be watching me when I wake from one of those frequent nightmares.
It honestly feels like someone has ripped my heart from my chest. I cannot breathe- I cannot speak- I wake up shaking and crying hystericaly.

We had a short version of saying goodbye at the airport when he went back to the U.K. from holiday three years ago. It was bad......I felt sick- he just had to walk away and not look back- I, on the other hand, watched until he literally dissappeared from sight. And I cried for a solid three hours afterwards- not to mention practically every day for the two years between then and his return for our wedding. Luckily, my son had come with us to the airport and was able to drive back to South Carolina from Atlanta, Georgia.

I cannot imagine being without him to wake to every morning. Without having him to banter with every day about whose turn it is to make the coffee. Without having his sweet kisses to see me off to work.Or to see his smile when he tells me the two cows in a field joke- or the horse in the bar joke- or the two boys having cereal for breakfast joke.

Or to have him there to hold me in his arms and tell me everything will be okay when I wake from a nightmare.

I pray to God that it WILL be okay.
I don't think I could bear to be without him by my side.

I don't want to have to TRY.