Good one, MC Etcher!!!
Obviously you have never been allowed to reside with a feline.
There is NO WAY to discipline a cat. Nothing works.
There ARE several things you can do to show your displeasure when they are bad.
You can yell at them. The first time it will startle him and they will hunker down and stare at you like you have possibly lost your mind. He will look from you to the phone-possibly wondering if it would be worth it to call the humans who bring out the straight-jacket, since obviously you have lost your mind yelling at him like that. In the end, he will decide to give you ONE more chance since , without you there, he will have no one to feed him and change his litter.
After the first time, yelling is completely ignored- or worse, he will look at you and then at the phone as if to say"I WILL call them if you continue speaking to me in this tone. It's completely unacceptable.- I can always find another insignificant being to live with me."
Another thing you can do is to spritz him with one of those water misters. The cats' reaction will be to be startled for a second, then run across the room and proceed to clean the water off himself with his tongue. After he finishes cleaning himself sufficiently, he will then immediately do whatever it was you misted him for so you will mist him again because grown cats are WAY too lazy to go all the way to his water bowl in the kitchen for when there is a human-slave who is perfectly willing to mist him with water, sitting in the same room with him.
You can also try putting him in the pet carrier as a sort of "Kitty Time-Out". He will not like being confined and will glare at you for a grand total of about 5 minutes to show HIS displeasure with YOU- then he will make the best of a bad situation and turn his back to you and lie down for a "cat nap"(normally around three hours long) If you really want to piss him off, as soon as he goes to sleep, wake him up and tell him Time-Out is over, snuggle him close and tell him you couldn't stay mad at him, he's such a "cutesy wootsey widdle kitty" and pet him enthusiastically and vigorously. Make sure to rub his fur in all directions. He will reward you with a very disturbing DEATH-GLARE for a very long time as he grooms himself("Filthy human- actually having the nerve to touch His Excellency-You will PAY!!!!")(I always imagine cats as having Stewie Griffins (Family Guy)voice when they talk). It might be a good idea to take advantage of his being occupied with his intense grooming session to make sure all your shoes are secured in a room with a door, preferably with a handle he hasn't learned to trip open yet. Ditto on anything else you actually value and want to keep.
You could kill them- but they have nine lives and once they catch on, it takes a LONG time to get all nine of them done-in, and that's usually the first time you try it.
Or- you can get a puppy.
A very cute, energetic puppy. Or even better, get two. They will position themselves to annoy the cat from front and rear flanks at every opportunity.
And then you get to be the GOOD human by rescuing the poor widdle kitty from those annoying puppies- all the while smiling gleefully while the cat is looking over your shoulder at the puppies receding from view as you walk away..................
Kittens are wonderful, cute, sweet playmates.
Grown cats are Satan's Spawn.
That said- Please don't let your cats outside tonight. Usually it's a good idea not to let them out the entire week before Halloween. There are some real sicko people out there who will do bad things to your beloved Darth Furball- especially if he is black.
They might be annoying, but they do love us(I think) and they are a great source of entertainment if we can just find humor in every situation.
Happy Halloween, All!!!!!!