The Final Chapter...........

This was hard- I hardly know where to begin. I want to get this down because I have it fresh in my mind and as soon as i finish this I will be going to sleep and sleeping for a couple days at least. I don't want to forget any of it and if I go to sleep I will not remember a lot of it.

Clayton was on his way home from work Sunday Morning about 1 am and swerved to avoid a deer ,as far as we can figure out. Clay loved to drive fast anyway, but this was on a straightaway in the road and he didn't just lose control unless it was either to avoid an animal or because there was a mechanical malfunction.

He swerved, went off a 6 foot drop on the other side of the road, bounced across the driveway, and his front end caught on a barbed-wire fence which made the back end flip over and the car end-over-ended about 50 yards. Clay was catapulted out the back window another 150 feet further on into the field.
He was killed instantaneously, either in the car when it was flipping or when he hit the field.

I was awake on the computer when we got a knock on the door....at 2:30am...never good news.
My DIL Kathy was standing at the door with a pillow- I thought... their air-conditioning has messed up and they wanna stay the night...or the kitchen caught on fire or something.
I smiled and asked her to come in.....and then I noticed it wasn't Clay in the car following her, but her mom. My heart dropped. I asked where Clay was- what was wrong?
Kathy's mom answered that Clay had been in an auto accident that morning about 1AM. I said OMG- What -where is he- meaning what HOSPITAL he was in........and she replied crying that he didn't make it.
I went to the floor on my knees screaming NO_NO_NO....NOT MY BABY.....It's NOT TRUE- It's JUST A DREAM........and it went on for about 20 minutes.
Paul held me while I was screaming hysterically and sent Kathy and her mom to the living room to sit while he dealt with me.
Kathy was in shock and couldn't deal with telling anyone else- the announcement was going to be on the tv news at 6-in less than 2 hours, so I told her Paulius and I would notify everyone else- she could go home and rest because the next few days were going to be tough ones and she had to think about the baby and her health.
First we went and told my eldest son- then we all rode the hours drive to my daughters home to give her the news. They were expecting something about their grandmother- not even a clue it was about their baby brother.

The mortuary worked for an entire day to "fix" him so we might be able to have an open casket ceremony. He was horribly swollen on the left side of his face and neck- his skull was crushed and his right side was terribly bruised, make-up camouflaged it somewhat, but you could still see the damage pretty badly. It hardly looked like my baby boy.

Kathy was a trooper- she knew where all the policies were- how much she had to spend on a funeral, what music to play, what flowers she/he wanted....everything. My mom donated the actual plot nearest my daddy's so they could be together....Clayton was his namesake.

Okay, so the arrangements made, we had to wait two days to see him. It broke my heart.
we had to make them un-tuck his shirt and we re-arranged it so it looked like Clay...then we unbuttoned hid shirt a couple buttons.
When we were finally happy with the look about 50 people had shown up- mostly family who live in the area and happened by. So there was an unexpected mini-viewing.
After that we went home.

Next day was the planned viewing......literally HUNDREDS of people showed up for his visitation. The child/man touched so many lives. I don't think he had an enemy in the world.My friend Terry was there- and helped Paulius with me when I had the first of my panic attacks. I saw people who I hadn't seen for years.

There were two rooms FULL of flower arrangements sent.

Let me take a moment to thank everyone who sent either an arrangement or a card.They were all lovely and I know he would have loved then too.

Now before I go on- I want to tell you about another thing that happened....I couldn't sleep, so I got up about 4am the day of the viewing and went to the bedroom straightening up. Well, I found a Mothers day card from Clayton and Kathy and I read it and sat on the bed and cried and cried.When I went to put the card back in the envelope, I was crying about why couldn't' I find my engagement ring and the first piece of jewelry the boys had pooled their money and bought be....a gold charm that say I love you Mom. I had looked for the past two years for that jewelry, and Paul did as well.
Well, the bottom dresser was open about an inch, so I went to push it shut, and heard a clink.That dresser has been empty for over a year.
So I opened it up and there in the top of a cookie tin, was the ring AND the charm.
So of course I was over-joyed.
So after finishing cleaning the bedroom I turned on the computer. I looked thru the recent documents and was just so overwhelmed that Paulius had left me two of the sweetest poems to easy my grief.

One was this one-

-=- REMEMBER ME -=-


I never meant to leave you,
Could I have only stayed;
We would be going on in life,
With all the plans we made.

Now all the hopes and dreams we shared,
Are but sweet memories;
For you to tuck inside your heart,
Now when you remember me.

Remember all the good times,
And all the joy we shared;
Remember how you touched my life,
And how I really cared.

Think back on all the laughter,
And wipe away your tears;
You still have many miles to go,
And still have many years.

Don't look back....look forward,
This day is a brand new start;
And as you travel on in life,
You'll take a bit of my heart.

I never meant to leave you,
But still you'll not be alone;
For as long as my love lives in you,
I'll never really be gone.
The other was this one...

He Only Took My Hand

(author unknown)

Last night while I was trying to sleep,
My son's voice I did hear
I opened my eyes and looked around,
But he did not appear.

He said:"Mom you've got to listen,
You've got to understand
God didn't take me from you, mom
He only took my hand.

When I called out in pain that night,
The instant that I died,
He reached down and took my hand,
And pulled me to His side.

He pulled me up and saved me
From the misery and pain.
My body was hurt so badly inside,
I could never be the same.

My search is really over now,
I've found happiness within,
All the answers to my empty dreams
And all that might have been.

I love you all and miss you so,
And I'll always be nearby.
My body's gone forever,
But my spirit will never die!

And so, you must all go on now,
Live one day at a time.
Just understand-
God did not take me from you,
He only took my hand.

Paulius didn't put them on our computer.
I think my baby boy was trying to send me and his grieving family a message.

Now for the Funeral today.My cousin Stacy did it and did a WONDERFUL job of it. I thank her from the bottom of my heart. It shows the depth of love my family has for one of them to do that. I will be eternally grateful.
The family car picked us up and all the way up we were talking about some of the stuff Clay used to pull on everyone.
When we got to the Mortuary, we were in a calm mood. Kathy went in first and has a few moments with him alone. Then me and his side of the family got to go in. I went first. I pulled back the veil they had draped over the casket and rubbed his head. His hair had been buzzed the morning he left for work so it was about the same length as when he was born. I rubbed his hair/head and leaned in to talk with him for a while. I told him I know he didn't leave us by choice, and I thanked him for the poems and for the missing jewelry. I told him I love him with all my heart and I would gladly give my life a thousand times over for one last hug and kiss and to hear his sweet voice call me sweetie one last time, or if he could just be back with his family again.
So then I pulled back the veil and kissed his forehead and as I was rubbing his head, I sang Amazing Grace to him like I used to do when he was a baby and he was taking his nap. It was the only way he would go to sleep and sleep peacefully.. I then kissed his head and forehead about a dozen more times, told Him I would always love him and he would always be in my heart and thoughts, and told him sweet dreams before kissing his head and cheek one final time.
God knows It was the hardest thing I had ever had to do to walk away from him knowing I would never see his sweet face again for the rest of my life.
I don't think I could have dealt with it had I not taken a double dose of the sedatives before arriving there.

The casket went to to chapel, we followed. Kathy, her mom, Me, My daughter Julie, and my sister were front row.
Julie kept looking back at her bio-dad and I knew she wanted him up there with her. So I asked my sis to get him to come sit beside Julie. I wanted to be with my husband anyway. I told Julies Fiance to come up and be with Julie and I completely broke Southern Funeral Protocol by leaving the family pew and squeezing in between my oldest son and my husband in the Pall-bearers pew. You should have heard the gasps or surprise.
I didn't care. I needed my husband and my son needed me as well.
Anyway, There was a sermon, a couple prayers, and the songs in between were: Amazing Grace-sang by a friend of the family who has the voice of an angel. Then came, Jesus Take the Wheel, and then a song I didn't recognize but was one of Clays faves. Then there was a memorial where anyone who wanted could come up and say a few words about Clayton. I was so proud of my family.
First ,Clays mom in law came up and said a few words. Then My eldest son Frank did. Then Paulius did. Then my Daughter. Then my sister came up and read the "He Only Took My Hand" poem in my stead.

There was another prayer and then as they took his casket down the aisle, They played my requested song- In The Arms of The Angels by Sara McLaughlin.
We filed out and were driven to the cemetery. After a short service we were told it was time to return to the family car. And Kathy refused to go.
She was adamant to stay until he was actually buried in case he was still alive.
We ALL lost it then and we had to talk a half hour to convince her it would NOT be a healthy thing to do. We reminded her that she had to think about the baby and we promised as soon as the burial was finished she could come back- and the boys all stayed there to make sure he was buried properly and that he wasn't still alive. My son Frank actually made them open the casket one last time to make sure all the mementos were still in there with him and that he could honestly tell Kathy they checked Clay and he was really, truly, gone.

After that we left and went to the accident site and my two cousins sang Go Rest High On the Mountain and we had a prayer there before going back to Kathy's Moms home for lunch.
After an hour Paulius and I went back and I sat and cried for about 20 minutes and talked to Clay one last time. I got a trio of rose-buds from our flower arrangement and the baby-blue bow. I told him if the baby was a boy, I would use the bow as the "It's A Boy" bow for the mailbox.
I told Him if he wanted or needed to talk to me to come to me in my dreams- we can be together as often as we want there.
And then we came home and I took a couple more sedatives and decided while waiting for them to take effect I would write all this down so I don't forget anything important after I sleep.

As for the mementos left were a Memorial shirt with Clay's and Cody's(his dog)photo on the front. A huge amount of letters to him, pictures of his car, the sonogram of Clay and Kathy's unborn baby, a Pack of Newport Ciggies, a lighter and single ciggie in his hand, a RNR tee shirt, and a free pass to Platinum Plus- the local high dollar strip joint.
My daughter laughed about that one and said"Bubba I hate to tell you but there is no Platinum Plus is Heaven" and I told her "Well, Maybe not in YOUR heaven"...I highly suspect that Heaven to Clayton, had Kathy, Their Baby, a whole car-lot covering acres and acres of pimped up cars that were his and he could drive anytime he wanted(and Paulius gave him a blank key so any car in heaven could be started with it), and a Plat-Plus that was open 24 hours a day.
I'm exhausted guys...I think I will go sleep now for a couple days...........Maybe I will see my baby there and be able to give him that one hug and hear him call me "Sweetie" again.

Again, thank you all for all the thoughts and love sent our way this week. You have no idea how much it has meant to us.

Love,
Sunny xxx

Tribute Blog for Clayton Howe.

For anyone who is interested here is his Last-Memories page addie.


http://charleshowe.last-memories.com/index.php?logout=1

Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers this week.

Love,
Sunny

Info on Services for Charles Clayton Howe.

I'm using my blog as the message board for anyone who needs this info. I have repeated it all so many times I don't think I can do it one more time so I'm refering everyone to my blog for infor they need.



Charles Clayton Howe


Johnsons Funeral Home -
113 North Poinsett Highway
Travelers Rest, South Carolina 29690

Visitation -Wednesday 6P-8P
Funeral Service-11A at Johnsons with interment immediately following at Grandview Cemetary.

Please make it all be a horrible nightmare.and some one please wake me now- I've had enough.

It is almost 2 am here and I cannot begin to sleep.
I am still crying.

My heart aches with the pain of knowing I will never hear my baby boys laughter again or hold him or be held in his big bear hug. I will never feel his kisses or smell his unique scent of his neck as I get that hug. Worst of all I will never hear him tell me he loves me again.
Why did we not record him with the new video camera we had just bought the last time he was here?

Clayton said many times that he has lived a happy life, has changed his life, and has no regrets at this point. He had a wonderful wife, a baby on the way, a home, a couple of nice cars and a great job lined up to start on Monday.
He said he has led a happy life and he wouldn't trade it for the world.
But a higher power had other plans for my baby boy. Heaven needed him more than I did....or so they thought.
My baby boy was a jokester- he loved making people laugh and making those around him happy.

My baby was rushing home to be with his wife before she went to sleep........and somehow he swerved and went off an embankment and then flipped end over end and was thrown over a hundred feet past where the car landed.
My sister drove me to the candle-light vigil tonight and I saw the place he came to rest. He died instantly from head trauma. From the swerve marks, he had swerved to avoid something in the road...he was on a straight away and his little car HUGGED the road and it would have been nearly impossible for it to lose control unless it had been caused by an animal in his path making him swerve to avoid it.

He loved animals and would do practically anything to avoid hurting them.

He swerved, went down an embankment traveled a few yards and then got caught in a barbed wire fence before flipping end over end and being catapulted about a hundred feet past where the car came to rest.
Death was probably more than likely instantaneous and I pray it was so and he did not suffer.
There is a huge hole in the center of my heart......It will never be replaced. My baby boy is gone- and my grief is overwhelming. Everyone says time will ease the pain, but I don't think so.

My loved ones are leaving me, one by one and I don't want to be alone.

My family has been a true blessing today.Someone has been with me every second. Paulius has been a wonderful man, and tonight my sister drove me to the Candlelight Vigil so Paul could rest and be able to take care of me tomorrow.

My nerves are in tatters, all I have done is cried, and looked at his baby-book and cried some more, and looked at all the photos of him from a  newborn to the latest taken at his and Kathys trip last year to Biltmore house for their second anniversary.I am so tired I feel as tho I will fall flat on my face soon, but I tried sleeping and altho I was sleeping a deep sleep- I was having horrible nightmares so I woke up and don't wanna go back to sleep now at all.

How does a mother let someone lower her baby into the ground and cover him with dirt?
How does a mother let her baby be creamated?
How does a mother let go of her child, knowing he is already gone? His spirit may be there, but his life in the body is past this world and is nothing but a shell.
Everything happens for a reason.....I tell people who have lost a loved one that so many times...and I actually believed it....until it was MY baby boy who passed on and left us alone and trying to figure out why he left us.

I wonder....was he scared in the last few seconds of his living moments?
Did he hurt or suffer? Did he have regrets in the last seconds? Did he wish he had waited a few minutes and wonder if it would have made any difference?
I used to think that when it was your time- it was your time and no matter what you did to change it- or what you did to alter it....it was your time and you would be taken whether you were in an airplane, automobile, or sleeping peacefully in your bed. I'm just not so sure now- but I have to keep believing in destiny.
I have to believe that he and my dad are together now and happily chatting away about things...and Mandy, his sister in law who died in an auto accident a couple years ago are out riding go-carts. And I have to believe that when he was going, there was a peace about him and a joy that made him want to go and be happy it was his time.

I want to believe that. I asked Paul what he thought happened when you die, and his answer was he had no idea. My baby boy wasn't afraid of death tho. He and Kathy had discussed it many times and he said he had no regrets about his life. Altho he had messed up when he was younger, he had come thru it and paid his dues to society and then he had drawn a line and got a good job, bought a new home and a couple of new cars, furnished the house and had recently found out he was going to become a daddy.
He was on top of the world.
And now he's gone one step farther and will be our guardian angel.
But god help me, I am going to miss him so much. My chest hurts just thinking about living life without his smile and his mischief. How will I live never hearing his sweet voice saying he loves me and calling me sweetie.
No more hugs and kisses and doing any of the hundreds of things that were uniquely Clayton.
I'm looking for a certain passage that sums it up- what he would say to us could he do it........
********************************************************************************

It Was My Time
I’m With God

Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free
I’m following the path God has laid you see.
I took His hand when I heard him call
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work, to play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found that peace at the close of day.

If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss
Oh yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life’s been full, I savored much
Good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and peace to thee
God wanted me now; He set me free.

I keep thinking this is just one of my terrible nightmares I have and I will wake up soon and see it was all a horrible horrible nightmare and then I will go to his house and be able to hug him and tell him about that dream and he will laugh and tell me he will be extra careful and I have nothing to worry about.

Please, someone wake me up now. I have had enough and want to wake up.

Please?

He did not want to leave us all- It was just his time.

God help me I need him still and would give my life to have him back again.


 

Why?

My baby boy, Clay, was killed in an auto accident this morning at 1am on his way home from work, about a mile from his home.

Pray for him and his little family. No one should have to go thru this hurt and pain.


Love, Sunny

Upstate Fair!!!!

Owww!! Next week the SC Upperstate Fair is coming to town.
It's something Paulius and I haven't done yet so we're gonna go one night...probably on the weekend since i have to work all week.

It's been about 15 years sine I went to the fair and I'm kinda looking forward to it. Especially the Ferris wheel. I love those things. I hope they have a double Ferris wheel this year. Those are awesome!

All the smells and sounds of the fair.......Did i mention I'm looking forward to it?
Well, I am.

What A Day.

Well, it's been a heck of a day/weekend.

It all actually began yesterday when Paulius , out of the blue, turned to me and said-"I want cake- Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and chocolate cream(as in whipped cream)". You have to understand that Paulius is a savory treat kinda guy. Nine hundred ninety-nine times out of a thousand when he goes into a store or the cupboards to get something to snack on, it's gonna be something savory like chips, or a sammich, or teriyaki jerky.
Once in a GREAT while he will come back with a big bowl of ice cream.
So requesting a cake- no less a chocolate one was a real shocker to me.
So I loaded my butt into the car and popped off to the local shoppe to get all the stuff I didn't already have to make him his chocolate cake.
Well, I got the stuff, (except for the chocolate cream-I didn't bring enough money with me to get it and it was a long hot trip I didn't wanna make again for the cream so that part he had to do without). But I came home and made his cake for him.
Well, as you all know I have decided that until my youngest son and his wife find out the sex of the baby, I am abstaining from chocolate(I can relate to Ozzy quitting smoking)- and as you all know I am a HUGE chocoholic. Well, I wanted a slice of that cake so bad I could have died...so rather than suffer, I decided to get me a little two-inch square and eat it. It was only one little slice and I knew that if I ate it I could easily stop after that slice. So after cutting it- and sitting down with it, and a LONG debate on if I could actually STOP at one slice....I decided to go ahead...the wanting was still there. So I took a bite.
I expected fireworks and that almost orgasmic euphoria I usually get but what I got was............
Nothing.
It wasn't all that good. It was way too sweet and so rich I could hardly swallow it. So I waited a few minutes and took another bite. Same result. So I sat there a few minutes and then got up to go to the kitchen and put it away- and took one last taste of it to make sure this non- liking feeling was still there.
And it was.
So I put the rest in the fridge covered in plastic wrap so I can remember the taste of it should I get craving chocolate again.
Paulius says I was tasting chocolate as non-chocoholics usually taste it- as something nice, but nothing special. I'm not sure whether to be happy about it or not.

Now, I also completely over-reacted to something else that happened today.
As you all know, I have been battling my weight problem and in the past couple months have lost a nice significant amount of weight. I got my hair cut in a nice long layered style but haven't been able to keep it that way because for work I have to keep it pulled up off my collar- hence I either have it in a ponytail or a French knot or a bun. Well, today I felt really good about myself, so I decided to dress a bit provocatively and do my hair and makeup and seduce my husband.
Well I was sitting there at his feet (so he had a good view of the cleavage) and we were watching AFV....one of the episodes with Daisy Fuentes on it.....and when the part come up that they have to choose from the three preselected videos, she made the usual "time to choose" speech and I turned to Paulius and with a mischievous smile said- "Time to choose- which will it be?"
And can you guess his response?
Yep........."Daisy Fuentes' Boobies!"
And I seriously over-reacted. I got up and went to the bathroom and cried. And changed clothes into a pair of my biggest sweat-pants and a black tee shirt that gives me no shape whatsoever. He was KIDDING me to get a reaction and I over-reacted. I know he was just saying it to tease/annoy me, but it really really hurt my feelings and I KNOW I was wrong for being upset, but at the time it just made me wonder if all the suffering of the stair-climbing instead of taking the elevator at work, all the trying to eat right instead of the really good-tasting fattening stuff I REALLY wanna eat, and all the weight-lifting and dance videos are really worth it.
But I didn't go pig out....I read a while and then I took a long nap instead of letting being upset give me an excuse to raid the fridge and eat junk which would have undone all the hard work I have been doing for the past months.
And besides, Paulius gives me PLENTY of flattery about the weight I have lost and the way I am beginning to change my body. It's usually just when I fish for compliments that he annoys me by giving me some off the cuff comment like that and usually I just brush it off and laugh about it but for some reason it struck me differently today ...Maybe I just need to quit being so pushy. And I definitely need to grow some thicker skin about my weight issues.....I'm trying but it's always been a touchy subject for me...even when I was anorexic.
But I'm tough....and "there's no crying in baseball.", so I need to get over it.....(PLUS the fact that MY cleavage is JUST as impressive as DF's)
:-)
And no- I'm not PMS-ing- I got another two weeks before that happens so that's not a valid excuse either.

On the upside of life- It's finally come down from the triple digit temps here in SC. Yesterday we got a HUGE rainstorm and the ground was so dry it all ran off into the street. My sister and I had went to lunch together and there were stalled cars in the streets- water up to their headlamps. And that's not one bit exaggerated either. I was just happy we were in her big ol' 4wd truck. Sometimes it PAYS to be a redneck.
After the storm it dropped down to 71 degrees and over 30 degree temp drop. Of course, by an hour later it was back up to 81 degrees, but at that point we were happy as larks and was still celebrating the over 20 degree drop in temps and the 81 mark.
LMAO- earlier that day the radio had been predicting a cold front moving thru taking us down to the lower 90s and we had thought THAT was a wonderful thing.

Also, I am planning another wedding! Not for me- but for a family member and I can't say who yet, but soon I will. All I can say is I wish them all the happiness in the world.

I think I'll go make a salad or something now- I'm getting hungry and need to eat before this headache gets worse.
Hope y'all have a good weekend!!

Open Letter/SUBTLE Reminder For Paulius.........(Sorta Like a Bulldozer)

Dearest Darling Husband,


Last Friday we let you slide on the missing podcast. Everyone is entitled to an off day.
However, tomorrow is Friday yet again, and I , for one, am VERY MUCH looking forward to another edition of EC4A.

Some topics for you to consider, in case you haven't put one together yet, could include.....
The Impatience of Women
Indulgence and/or Selfishness of the Human Race as a Whole
Strange Foods of the Human Race
Strange Human Concept of Jobs/Employment
The Different Sexual Concepts/Orientations of Humans
The Unpredictability of Human Female Reactions- and the Fear Human Males Have of Them

That ought to give ya some ideas.

Don't make me come home to no Podcast in the morning and have to WHINE- (Aka BITCH)- for another week.
It WON'T be pretty.


Please. I said PLEASE!


More Than Yesterday- Less Than Tomorrow........
Your Snugglebunny Ookums
Sunny......XXX-OOO


(This is meant to be a tongue-in-cheek letter and should be in NO way be taken seriously.......unless there is no podcast tomorrow)
;-)

What-An-Idiot.........!!!

He's Screwed.

Married to a CSI Forensics expert....she got suspicious about his comings and goings and eventually tested his underwear for DNA not matching his or her own. And found some.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E C-O-U-R-T.

Of course, she got fired for using lab equipment for the testing. Not ethical....but what's the big deal? We ALL have used the copy machine for making personal copies of stuff. Same concept. No difference...except for the slight cost variance for the paper and ink and the DNA test materials. Just a few hundred dollars difference.

What Idiots.
Him for screwing around on his wife knowing full well she could get the evidence at the drop of a hat....and HER for losing her job over such a loser.

Devil or Angel....Best Behavior Required

I was surfing the blogs yesterday and came upon one I really liked.
Rural Lesbian had quite a few interesting posts and I bookmarked the blog. Well, today the subject was Personal Evaluations.
(Sorry, hun, It was too good to not blog about here....You'll find when a topic peaks my interest and makes me wanna discuss it further I tend to blog about it myself- and I always link the original post too so it gets read as well....hope ya don't mind!)

I would be really scared if these things were required! OMG- can you imagine how mine would read with Paulius doing the write-up?
I have a quirky sense of humor- I think Paulius sees it WAY differently tho.
I have really bad habits that would be endearingly sweet to some people- but would be seen as absolutely unacceptable to other people. I mean I would have to sit in a chair with duct tape on my mouth and sitting on my hands if I ever wanted a good evaluation.

Evaluation I would give myself?

STRENGTHS-
Cooks like a demon
Strong willed
Hard worker (when motivation is strong)
Sentimental
Understanding of unusual circumstances
Loyal
Sexy
Loves kittens
Good in a crisis(unless hypodermic needles are involved)
Wicked sense of humor

WEAKNESSES-
Hates making small decisions
Perfectionist
Overly sensitive at times(Especially during PMS weeks)
Overly possessive
Detests grown cats
Likes to play practical jokes
Accident prone-must have insurance at all times
Re-arranges furniture on a weekly basis
Nasty temper when pushed too far(likes to throw things)

Now, as RL explains it- these evals would be produced on a yearly basis and would follow you from relationship to relationship.....passing to each new partner so they would know what they were getting into.
And as I explained in her post comments- I'm not sure that would be a good idea. Mainly because prospective new partners would be judging you on what others thought of you....and that takes away the fun of finding out for themselves. I mean, obviously, SOMETHING about you drew them to you in the first place.........should that not be taken into consideration over what your previous track record has been according to other people?

What about second chances? Maybe a person would like to start new and re-create themselves. What then...should they be persecuted for past mistakes?

On the other hand I have to admit that had I had evals of my exes I probably could have saved myself a lot of trouble.

If these evals were a reality- how much stock would you put into it if you were getting the low-down on your current love?
Probably wouldn't matter much when it came down to the nitty-gritty now would it?
Or would it?

What evaluation would you give yourself?
And as a sidenote- Paulius, I would love to see what evaluation you would give me. Honestly, I would, with no sulking from me on the HONEST results if they turn out to be something I don't agree on.

Treading on thin ice there aren't I guys? Eh- I love living life on the edge sometimes. It teaches me lessons.

Next Blog......

It's been ages since I surfed the "next blogs" so I decided to do that awhile this afternoon.
I found ONE that I bookmarked but it basically was a bust for the evening.

And speaking of Busts......Every other click yielded me an "AdultFriendFinder" and a "ChatLiveNow" link.
Nipples Galore.
Don't get me wrong- I have nothing against porn, or finding new "adult" friends if that's your thing....but if I wanted to do that, I would GOOGLE those sites....I don't need someone shoving them in my face every other click.

And I'm not joking- it was every-other-click of the mouse.

And then on top of that- when those odd pop-ups appeared there would be another pop-up box warning me that my "computer may be infected with SPY-WARE and giving me the opportunity to use some of their product to check it.

Ummmm...so....what they're saying is that because the pop-ups of naked women that I wasn't looking for is on my screen I might need to check for spy-ware because someone might be spying on me and what I'm looking at........Do people really FALL for that crap?


And worst of all, it wouldn't go away.....it just kept flashing and flashing and I had to completely close down the entire window to be able to do anything else.

Sometimes I wonder if owning a computer is really worth all the damn annoyance it puts me thru.
Granted, I DO get a lot of enjoyment out of the blogs I have bookmarked, but other than that...I rarely get anything but grief out of this computer.
It hates me.

Foooooooooooooood.....................

Ever have one of those days when you're RAVENOUS?
I'm having one of those today. I haven't given in and over-eaten...yet. I'm trying very hard to not do that, but dayummmmm my tummy is bitching and rumbling...I mean grumbling.

I want a big ole roast beef sandwich with swiss cheese and some onion rings and fries to go with it.
Or a big ole bowl of Banana Pudding, made from scratch.
Or how about a steak and baked potatoe with brown gravy and loads of sour cream? Even better some fried chicken and potatoe salad with some coleslaw and baked beans?

Yeah it helps me to write about all the things i can't have.
I mean i COULD have it if I wanted to- but let's look at it this way.....last night I wore my pedometer to work. I traveled 8,425 steps and all but about maybe 400 was UP the stairs. I come down the elevators- harder to fall UP stairs than down them and with my recent ankle and foot injuries(which are being awfully slow to heal )I'd rather not try going down stairs from 6 floors up.
I don't wanna ruin all that work- and boy is it WORK- by eating a bunch of high fat-high calorie foods. I'll stick with my apples and grapes and water and when I get the chance to eat yumy stuff- I'll just have about half or a third of what I really want.

I really do want my size 12s back again.

Owwww- Owwww-Owwwwwwwwww!!!!

Bloody hell is this heat EVER going to go the hell away?

My head POUNDS every single day- some more than others(like today)....and then there is never a quiet moment at our house either.
The TV is constantly on, the dog is constantly in our faces wanting to play or to be let out and even then he's constantly barking while he's outside, and the cat is constantly either dragging the drapes off the windows or latching onto the leather furniture with his sharp-assed claws or climbing on the desk or kitchen counters which is NOT allowed and both are constantly being yelled at. Usually by me. I worked my ass off to have what I have and I'll be damned if I let those mangy animals destroy it all.

We have A/C in the living room only- so there is no place I can escape to to get rid of the headache. And I have to go to work tonight as well.
I'm not looking forward to all the walking and stair-climbing.
I just want a cold, dark spot to curl up in and relax.

SCS-

I have a strange affliction known as Solitary Cleaning Syndrome.
I do my best cleaning when I am completely left on my own. Actually, I find I CAN'T clean when someone else is in the room with me.

And I drive Paulius nuts when I clean. You see, my idea of cleaning is to take everything and move it to the center of the room, clean the edges, and then sort everything thats in the middle before putting things back. And by putting things back I don't nessecarily mean where they were before I started cleaning.

So this morning I got up, started straightening the desk so I could write a blog about how attached we become to our pillows, and just went around the room gathering up soda cans and emptying ashtrays and it kinda got out of control from there. I still have to dust everything, and finish vacuuming, but everything else is done. And I walked past the desk and saw the computer on and remembered what I had started out to do and decided to finish it. Only then I decided this would be a better thing to write about instead of the pillows- altho that will probally be one for tomorrow. Or next week.

I haven't deep cleaned like this for about 3 months. Since we got the new leather sofa and chair set. I just haven't felt well enough to do it. But this new medication they have me on is freaking awesome! I can drink water without it feeling like I'm having a heart attack. And I ate pizza yesterday and even the combination of tomato sauce and pizza dough didn't make me hurt!
It was GREAT!

I even seem to be sleeping a little better. Yesterday, for example, I slept over 12 hours. Paulius came into the bedroom and checked on me at 3PM and I roused up and when I saw what time it was I got up and felt fine.

Anyway, maybe it was the combination of the extra sleep and the new meds, but at any rate I feel good enough to tackle the bedroom when Paulius decides to wake up. I wonder where I can put the bed THIS time.......................

Huh?

WARNING: Side effects of Medication includes......Headache, dizziness,constipation or diarrhea.(Sounds like the Flu if you ask me.) Also, blurred vision, mental/mood changes, agitation, confusion,depression and/or hallucinations.(Sounds like PMS and being blond if ya ask me.)
Also listed is rashes, swelling, severe tiredness, irregular heartbeat, fever, sore throat, cough, severe abdominal pain-(isn't severe abdominal pain what it's supposed to be TREATING?), severe dizziness and (I KID YOU NOT) enlarged breasts.
Since WHEN is THAT a BAD side effect?

Yeah- despite all that I AM still taking the meds.
I don't know why tho.

Test Results....

Well, damn if that didn't take no time at all to get a call from the doc.

Test results have shown I have a Hiatal Hernia.

Hiatal hernia (hiatus hernia)
A hiatal hernia develops in a small opening in the diaphragm that allows the upper part of the stomach to move up into the chest.

They're taking me off Prilosec and putting me on 300 mg. Zantac twice a day.

Thank god it was something not so serious- altho it's nothing to sneeze at either.
So many in my family have had cancer that I completely come unglued when I have to go for tests now.
My dad died from Prostate cancer(I KNOW- this is one I don't have to worry about at all, but cancer of any type in a family medical history makes it a more real possibility)
My Aunt Dell (affectionately known to me as Toot-Toot)passed away with brain cancer
My Aunt Dottie just had her cancerous eye removed about a month ago
Two of my Aunts on my dad's side have had mastectomies from Breast cancer.
Three of my uncles have prostate cancer as well

So you can see where I would be a bit spooked.

Anyway, that's what the deal is with the test results.
I'm so happy it's something smaller than what I was imagining that I wanna have a party to celebrate now.
Right after I go get my prescription.

Test Results....

Well, damn if that didn't take no time at all to get a call from the doc.

Test results have shown I have a Hiatal Hernia.

Hiatal hernia (hiatus hernia)
A hiatal hernia develops in a small opening in the diaphragm that allows the upper part of the stomach to move up into the chest.

They're taking me off Prilosec and putting me on 300 mg. Zantac twice a day.

Thank god it was something not so serious- altho it's nothing to sneeze at either.
So many in my family have had cancer that I completely come unglued when I have to go for tests now.
My dad died from Prostate cancer(I KNOW- this is one I don't have to worry about at all, but cancer of any type in a family medical history makes it a more real possibility)
My Aunt Dell (affectionately known to me as Toot-Toot)passed away with brain cancer
My Aunt Dottie just had her cancerous eye removed about a month ago
Two of my Aunts on my dad's side have had mastectomies from Breast cancer.
Three of my uncles have prostate cancer as well

So you can see where I would be a bit spooked.

Anyway, that's what the deal is with the test results.
I'm so happy it's something smaller than what I was imagining that I wanna have a party to celebrate now.
Right after I go get my prescription.

I Hurt.

I don't feel well at all. My head hurts and my tummy feels like I'm carrying a 20 pound bowling ball around in it. I feel like I'm going to throw up at any second.

I'm gonna sleep as long as humanly possible today.

And then I'm gonna sleep some more.

On the upside- I have the sweetest hubby- he made me some scrambled eggs in the hopes it will settle my tummy a bit.

I adore him.

LMAO-How Hot Is it?

Real Life comment from my daughter Julie.....


"Mama, it's so dang hot here the worms are crawling up to me begging to be taken fishing."

I almost fell off my chair laughing.

It Sure Wasn't A Clemson Ag Sales Milkshake.....

Well, I’m back from the “Barium Meal” now and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be….. In most respects.

They brought me in to the Radiology room and gave me a small cup with some crystals in it….and another with two spoonfuls of water in it. Said I could swallow the crystals and chase it with the water or I could add the water TO the crystals and drink it that way.

I chose to mix ‘em.

At first it tasted like grapefruit flavored pop-rocks, but then after breathing out it tasted like pure bile. UGH!!!! That was the worst of it tho.

She gave me the Barium “milkshake” (about 10 oz)and I asked if there was a speed I should drink it or if it was my decision. To drink it fast or slow. She said my decision but they wanted it drank normally- not in sips taking too long.

So she turned to write on the paper and I turned it up and killed it without stopping. She was pleased. So then I sat there fro about two minutes and then she went and got the radiologist. They had me lie down and roll over twice-I am not joking- to “coat my stomach” with the Barium Milkshake”.

Then the radiologist took about 20 photos of my tummy from various angles and then while I was still lying down they gave me a thinner version of the barium milkshake stuff and I had to drink it as they took MORE pics. Then the tech made some actual x-rays of my tummy and it was over. The set of pics the radiologist took was actually quite cool because I could see my “innards” on the TV screen while he was doing it.

Believe it or not- that was NOT the worst-tasting milkshake I had ever had.

Anyway, I just wanted to get out of there and get something in my tummy to get it settled so we went to Jack-in-the-box and I got a meal and it settled my tummy ……..for about a half hour. Then it just made me really nauseous, so I went to bed.

When it got too hot in there to sleep I got up and checked the messages on the phone and guess what? I have to go in today at 6P and work til 6A because we had an employee call in sick.

Eh- extra Christmas money, I suppose. But dang I really DON’T feel up to a 12 hour shift tonight.

It Sure Wasn't A Clemson Ag Sales Milkshake.....

Well, I’m back from the “Barium Meal” now and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be….. In most respects.

They brought me in to the Radiology room and gave me a small cup with some crystals in it….and another with two spoonfuls of water in it. Said I could swallow the crystals and chase it with the water or I could add the water TO the crystals and drink it that way.

I chose to mix ‘em.

At first it tasted like grapefruit flavored pop-rocks, but then after breathing out it tasted like pure bile. UGH!!!! That was the worst of it tho.

She gave me the Barium “milkshake” (about 10 oz)and I asked if there was a speed I should drink it or if it was my decision. To drink it fast or slow. She said my decision but they wanted it drank normally- not in sips taking too long.

So she turned to write on the paper and I turned it up and killed it without stopping. She was pleased. So then I sat there fro about two minutes and then she went and got the radiologist. They had me lie down and roll over twice-I am not joking- to “coat my stomach” with the Barium Milkshake”.

Then the radiologist took about 20 photos of my tummy from various angles and then while I was still lying down they gave me a thinner version of the barium milkshake stuff and I had to drink it as they took MORE pics. Then the tech made some actual x-rays of my tummy and it was over. The set of pics the radiologist took was actually quite cool because I could see my “innards” on the TV screen while he was doing it.

Believe it or not- that was NOT the worst-tasting milkshake I had ever had.

Anyway, I just wanted to get out of there and get something in my tummy to get it settled so we went to Jack-in-the-box and I got a meal and it settled my tummy ……..for about a half hour. Then it just made me really nauseous, so I went to bed.

When it got too hot in there to sleep I got up and checked the messages on the phone and guess what? I have to go in today at 6P and work til 6A because we had an employee call in sick.

Eh- extra Christmas money, I suppose. But dang I really DON’T feel up to a 12 hour shift tonight.

Damn AOL/AIM......

Damn AOL/AIM.

Three days ago it wouldn't let me sign in on AOL/AIM........I'm supposed to have AUTO sign in....now doesn't that mean that it remembers my password and then automatically signs me in to it?
Well, I thought so as well. THEN it said no.
Again and again.
So I reset my password. Great.....and I USED it that day. And the next. But now it's saying NO again.....so I went back and reset it again. And even with answering the security question and all that it's STILL not letting me in.
Bastards.
I hate being told NO.
It just royally pisses me off.

It's MY account- Lemme in Fuckers!!!! I wanna talk to my friends!!!! NOW!!!!

I feel the need to throw something....or punch the computer screen or something equally destructive.

And yeah, yeah, yeah.....I know Kato and Paulius.
But YOU started it and you know the rule...

*RULE 19,371....."If a male person commits a random act of violence on any piece of electronic equipment - it's perfectly within your rights for YOU, as a female, to do the same thing since a precedent has been set by the male, therefore rendering any male form of complaint or objection to your random act of violence completely null and void."*

So there you have it.....Completely and Entirely y'all's fault.
Would you like to hear more RULES from the Book of Goddesses?

Shall We Re-name Him Cujo?

For the past week, Buddy, our dog, has been a hells hound. He refuses to do as he's told. He has been terrorizing the cat. He has barked, growled, snarled and snapped at Paulius and me.

Maybe it's the heat? I dunno- but this is TOTALLY unacceptable behavior and to be honest I am beginning to feel uneasy around him. We keep him inside unless he goes out for a few minutes to do his business. We don't put our animals outside on days WE couldn't stand to be out there.They're in the A/C with us, so even the heat shouldn't be an issue for his behavior.
I have been bitten by a dog twice in my life and it was NOT a very nice experience. I love Buddy to death, but I sincerely hope this behavior doesn't continue or we will be forced to find him another home or bring him to the shelter. I won't live with a dog that snarls and snaps for no good reason and I refuse be afraid in my own home.

On the other hand we seem to have figured out why Leonard, the cat, has become the feline from hell. Every time he goes in to use his litter-box, Buddy has been snarling and snapping at him and wont let him come near it. So he's been "bad" from necessity, not choice it seems.

Thank God this heat is finally giving us a break here in South Carolina. It's only in the high 80s today....a very welcome change from the 100+ we have been having the past couple weeks.
I hope it continues to drop......I know it's only the middle of august- but I am SOOOOO ready for cool weather again.
Autumn is my favorite time of year.

I found out what the Upper GI test I am supposed to be having on Wednesday consists of.
They do an IV, sedate you, numb your throat and neck and then run a teeny, tiny camera and light down your esophagus and tummy to see what it looks like in there. To find any lesions or cancer or such.
The doc said that the meds I am on should be making the problem go away- not get worse. So they're going in to have a look-see and find out what the problem is.
I can tell you I am NOT looking forward to it at all, I can't have anything to eat or drink...even water after midnight. My tests are scheduled for 9AM. I'll be working the night before the tests so that means I will have to do all that walking and stuff with NO water. I can tell you right now that I WON'T be taking the stairs that night...I'll be doing the elevator and sitting around as much as I possibly can.
I usually drink about a gallon of water while I'm at work.
:-(

Anyway, Nothing much has been happening around here other than that.
Except my auto has decided that it's going to cut off on me if i decided to slow down or stop for any length of time. I turned the A/C off and it seems to do a bit better, but not much. I'm afraid that car is on it's last legs, and considering it's about13 years old and has 177 THOUSAND miles on it...I would say it's done a darn good job.


The kids are all doing fine- altho they are all very busy working and taking care of business.
seems like I never get to see them for just a nice, long visit anymore.But that's okay too...I miss them but as long as they are happy and healthy I am content to have a chat with them on the phone every few days.

Well, it's time for me to go and get loose ends tied up so I can go to work tonight. Hope y'all had a GLORIOUS weekend and I'll be catching up on YOUR posts this week, even if I don't feel up to writing one of my own.

HOT Topics.

Hot again today. Temps in the triple digits for the fourth day in a row. Record temps the past two in a row and expecting the same today. Heat index will reach 110 today. Heck, even seasoned Southerners are thinking about moving to a cooler climate.

I don't think such a place actually exists.
If it does, That's where I wanna move to.
NOW.
............................................................................................................................................................

A family here in the upstate is in the news today. Hosting a Back-To-School kegger for high school seniors. To be chaperoned and supervised by the parents.
bad idea......State law says to serve alcohol to a minor(21 in this state) is a crime. Also a crime to buy it for them.
Would I let my kids attend a party like that? Nope.
That being said......I don't agree with our state law at all. I think if males age 18 are required to register for selective service and be asked to fight and possibly give their life for their country, they should have the right to drink like an adult.
I also think a parent should have the right to allow their over age 12 kids to have a bit(a TINY BIT) of wine with dinner on special occasions, like Thanksgiving or a taste of champagne for an occasion such as a 25th 0r 50th anniversary party or a wedding.

I honestly think that if it weren't such a taboo, it wouldn't be nearly so appealing to kids.

Did I allow my kids to have a sip of champagne on special occasions such as those?
What do YOU think?
I was brought up to be able to have a flute of wine with dinner on those special occasions.(This was before those laws came into being). And I still do. But drinking to excess has never been something that appealed to me. Simply because it was allowed. A few of my cousins were never allowed to imbibe no matter WHAT the occasion and they do drink excessively now.

I don't understand why "Big Brother" thinks it's necessary to rule over every aspect of our lives. Next thing you know they'll be telling us it's illegal to have sex more than once a week. They need to work on the REAL problems in this country, like National Health-Care, ILLEGAL drugs, and starving children and elderly, and keep out of our dining rooms and our bedrooms.

*******************************************************************************

On the upside.......IT'S THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!!

Enjoy it while you can!!!! It never lasts long enough.

HOT Topics.

Hot again today. Temps in the triple digits for the fourth day in a row. Record temps the past two in a row and expecting the same today. Heat index will reach 110 today. Heck, even seasoned Southerners are thinking about moving to a cooler climate.

I don't think such a place actually exists.
If it does, That's where I wanna move to.
NOW.
............................................................................................................................................................

A family here in the upstate is in the news today. Hosting a Back-To-School kegger for high school seniors. To be chaperoned and supervised by the parents.
bad idea......State law says to serve alcohol to a minor(21 in this state) is a crime. Also a crime to buy it for them.
Would I let my kids attend a party like that? Nope.
That being said......I don't agree with our state law at all. I think if males age 18 are required to register for selective service and be asked to fight and possibly give their life for their country, they should have the right to drink like an adult.
I also think a parent should have the right to allow their over age 12 kids to have a bit(a TINY BIT) of wine with dinner on special occasions, like Thanksgiving or a taste of champagne for an occasion such as a 25th 0r 50th anniversary party or a wedding.

I honestly think that if it weren't such a taboo, it wouldn't be nearly so appealing to kids.

Did I allow my kids to have a sip of champagne on special occasions such as those?
What do YOU think?
I was brought up to be able to have a flute of wine with dinner on those special occasions.(This was before those laws came into being). And I still do. But drinking to excess has never been something that appealed to me. Simply because it was allowed. A few of my cousins were never allowed to imbibe no matter WHAT the occasion and they do drink excessively now.

I don't understand why "Big Brother" thinks it's necessary to rule over every aspect of our lives. Next thing you know they'll be telling us it's illegal to have sex more than once a week. They need to work on the REAL problems in this country, like National Health-Care, ILLEGAL drugs, and starving children and elderly, and keep out of our dining rooms and our bedrooms.

*******************************************************************************

On the upside.......IT'S THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!!

Enjoy it while you can!!!! It never lasts long enough.

Dang.......

Doc's appointment tthis morning.

More tests needed.

Upper GI next week and Sleep Study soon as well.

Hopefully then it will all be over.....well, after the October Mam.

On the upside- I have lost 17 of the 20 pounds she wanted me to lose by this visit!!!

WOOT!!!!!

I DONE GOOD!!!!

One Moment In Time.........................

My Daddy My Hero......... Charles (Charlie) Miller.

The anniversary of my dads passing is fast approaching and I'm sad when I think of him.

I miss him terribly, but that's not the only reason I'm sad.

There are two moments in time I wish I could change....one is ever having heard of SL(which I rarely play anymore. THANK GOD, I seem to have broken that addiction) and the other is being in the room when my daddy passed away.

I loved my daddy, worshiped him as only a little girl can adore her daddy. He was the best daddy anyone could ever have. So selfless, so generous, so bigger-than-life. Don't get me wrong, daddy had his flaws, but they were such small ones I don't believe my daddy ever had an enemy in his life.
Daddy fought his cancer bravely, giving us more time than we thought he had. Every drug they wanted him to try, he took. Every procedure they wanted to try, he gave permission for.

The week before I was to come to work for the hospital site I work for, Daddy finally was through with it all. He asked to come home.

I finished work on Friday morning and told my boss I would start work at the new site on Monday, I wanted to spend the weekend with my daddy. I came home and changed and spent the day with him. He looked so good....his cheeks were rosy, he felt good enough to eat a bit. I crawled up on the bed with him, laid my head on his shoulder and held his hand as we talked about things I had done as a little girl and things he had done when he was a little boy. I asked him about trips we had taken and things I had always wanted know about but hadn't had time to ask. I held his hand and memorized the way it looked and the way it felt so I would always have that memory with me. There were not many days I could remember having daddy all to myself.
I am my Daddy's child in the sense of always having something to do in the making.

I spent the whole day with my daddy, and about 6PM he insisted I go home and rest awhile and spend some time with my husband, (He adored Paul and was happy that I had finally found a good man who would love me like he loved mom-his words) and we would talk again tomorrow.
I hugged him and kissed his cheek and told him how much I loved him and then I went into the kitchen and kissed mom and told her the same and told her to call if they needed us.

I went home and ate dinner with Paul , telling him all about the wonderful day I had had with daddy and how good daddy looked and was feeling. A thought came to me that maybe it was the "bloom before the fade" as we call it in the south, but I brushed that thought away. I was not ready for my daddy to leave us.

And then at about 9PM the phone rang.
Paul answered it and handed it to me. It was my brother , Charlie,telling me that they had called the hospice nurse and she was on her way. I told him we would be right up.
Paul and I arrived as the hospice nurse was checking daddy's pulse and breathing. She went out of the room and told us it was a matter of hours, possibly less.
My other brother and my sisters had arrived by that time and the room began to get crowded with all the kids and grand kids and mom trying to be next to him in his last hours.

I was the only child who hung back. I went and kissed my daddy on the cheek and let him know I was there for him, and then I went and stood by the doorway. I did not want to see my daddy pass away. I didn't want to see the life fade from his eyes. I didn't want to see him draw his last breath. I wanted to remember him as the living, breathing, hero I had just spent the day with. But my daddy set store in the fact that his family was his world. And I was there for him. We all were.

Even as he drew his last breath he tried to comfort us. His last words were "It's so beautiful" as tho he could see a place just beyond our reach. I hope it was so.

But I did not want to be there when he left us.

Jealousy Issues.

Yeah, I'll be the first to admit I have a problem when it comes to trust and jealousy.

And here are a few reasons why.....

In high school, my fiance was an orphan and had to work as well as go to school. When I was sick I would stay out of school to keep him from getting sick and missing work. One day I was out with the flu, had caught it from my best friend, Toni, who KNEW why I stayed away from said BF when I was sick, and when I got back to school I found out they had cut class and went off together for the day.
I asked Toni about why she had done it, being my best friend and all, she replied that she was about over the flu and since I wasn't there she saw nothing wrong with her and said BF going to his place and spending the day smoking pot and "hanging". Don't get me wrong, but her idea of "hanging" was to take off her clothes where ever she was when she got smoking dope. I had to rescue her several times when we were "hanging" with some of her friends.
I'm not stupid. I know what went on....especially after I asked BF about it and he wouldn't look me in the eye while denying anything went on.
Whatever.

Fast forward a few years to first man-slut I married.
Walk into my bedroom after coming home from work. Hear shower running and think"ahhhhhh a shower sounds nice" so I go to step in.
Oops, already occupied by him and his second cousin. Enter lame excuse about working in the yard and conserving water and "nothing happened" followed by "you're too suspicious" and "have jealousy issues- she's my COUSIN".
Yeah- whatever......ALL cousins take showers together no matter what age they are.


Fast forward a few years.
Going to work. Forgot access badge at home and can't get into facility without it. Turn around and go back. Husband has showered, shaved, dressed and is walking out the door when I pull up. Ask where he's going and as he is telling me he was just going out to get some cigs, an auto I don't know starts to pull into the drive. He turns white, begins walking to my car and tries to wave off the female sitting in the unfamiliar auto without me seeing it.
It's the girl from the convenience store down the street. Later his best friend told me that it had been going on for about 4 months while I was at work.

Fast forward a few years.
I befriend a girl who is in an abusive relationship.
I try to help and be there for her because I had been thru the same thing.
She starts seeing a married guy. And laughs and tells me that his wife is such a dumb bitch because she thinks he is over there helping her "fix" her van and do stuff(repairs) around the house since she has no man. I tell her she is horrible. In a bad way, not teasing. She takes offense.
Few weeks later, my husband at the time, told me she had asked him to come by and help her pack some stuff because she was moving soon and asked me if I minded. I said lemme think about it and told him-( Mind you- we (me & Darleen)were still friends), she hadn't mentioned anything about a move, (nor had she included me in the invitation/request for help.)
I gave her a couple days to mention it to me. Then when she asked him again if he was coming over to "spend the day with her" Her words, there.......I went over and asked her wtf was going on?
She got all red in the face and couldn't answer any of the questions and I told her in NO uncertain terms that my man would NOT be coming over to "spend the day " with her and she needed to remember that just a few weeks before she had been doing the same thing and using the same excuses with her other man and LAUGHING to ME about what a stupid bitch HIS wife was and his wife thought she was Darlene's friend too.
Don't Fuck with me. I may be blonde but I am NOT stupid.


So with a track record of back-stabbing friends like that, yeah I have trust and jealousy issues. So if I see someone telling my man "hugz"...thats fine....even "luv ya" is okay- friends TELL each other that. But when it graduates to "love you" and talking about certain subjects and spending time alone together without an invitation to the significant other, that IS inappropriate, no matter how good a friend you are, unless you have known each other for a VERY LONG TIME.

What brought all this on?
One of my friends had a married guy friend ask her a question about his infatuation with a woman friend and about the advisability of having coffee or dinner with her. He admitted he found her interesting, no, I think Facinating was the word he actually used, and wanted to "cultivate a relationship" with her.

My advice.
Leave it alone. Don't tempt fate. If you love your wife, think about how YOU would feel if the situation were reversed and SHE was wanting to cultivate a friendship with a "facinating" man.

Think about it.

Paulius Lemon-Sugar Pancakes

PAULIUS PANCAKES



Use your regular pancake batter recipe(or boxed type)
Prepare as usual. (Paulius likes to use 7-up or Sprite or Sierra Mist to his batter in place of milk too.)

!!!VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!-DO NOT PUT BUTTER ON TOP OF THESE PANCAKES!!!!!!!!!

Instead of topping with syrup, just DRIZZLE liberally with lemon juice and then sprinkle sugar over top.


Some like more sugar than others, so start with a Tablespoonful and add more if needed until you get the flavor you like.
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I know it sounds odd to us USA'ers who think Maple, Blueberry, or Strawberry Syrup is the "be all-end all" of pancake or flap-jack toppings, but from the first time Paulius made these for me I LOVED the lighter taste of them.

I made pancakes about a month ago and we were out of lemon-juice so I tried the syrup again, and it just kinda stuck in my throat. WAYYYY too heavy for me now.

Try it!

(*Sorry baby about outting your recipe but those pancakes are WAY too delicious to keep to ourselves......these are our friends, after all.*)

What A Night.

Wow......Love the new site I work at. Last night was my first night there and I came home completely exhausted. I almost couldn't put one foot in front of the other. I took two Aleve and went my ass to bed. Paulius was on the computer and said he would be in there in about two minutes and I went to sleep so fast I don't even remember him coming to bed.

You know how at the other site I told you I walked about 2 miles and climbed 19 flights of stairs every night?
New site has it beat all to hell. Entire night I climbed 49 flights of stairs and walked 4 miles. I swear- if I don't lose weight here there is something medically WRONG.
I love the new hours tho.
Best part of the entire deal tho is there is practically NO TRAFFIC at those times of day coming OR going. WOOT!!!!

Damn- I'm starving this morning....errrrr........afternoon, I mean.

I think eggs and toast would be good. Even better would be pancakes with sugar and lemon juice like Paulius makes them...but alas- we have no lemon juice....something that will be corrected tomorrow when we go shopping.

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Ahhhhhhhhh........

Well, I'm officially back on night shift again as of tonight.

I'm looking forward to it.

This weekend has been a fantastic one so far.......Spent LOTS of quality time with my darling hubby Paulius. Just catching up on whats been going on this past month and a whole HEAP of snuggling and cuddling. I feel so much better now.

I'm not one of those women who like alot of time by myself. I'm married to a wonderful man and really enjoy spending time in any way, shape or form with my sweetie. Whether it's snuggling, or shooting hoops or watching a movie together or napping. Doesn't matter as long as we're together spending time.

Did I tell you guys I also got a raise? Retro-active to the first week in June. And do you believe it......they cut a seperate check for the difference in pay from what I actually recieved and what I SHOULD have recieved for every single week?
Yep.


Life is funny sometimes, isn't it?

Blessings........

Dayyyyyummmmmmm....sometimes good things DO happen.

I went into work this afternoon in a horrible horrible mood(see last post) and as soon as I hit the office the boss said"Sunny, as soon as you escort Ms. Kelley to her vehicle I need to see you back here before I leave today." (IOW...."Get back here in half the usual time so I can go the hell home."

Okayyyy.....Mumbling to myself under my breath..."What the hell did I screw up THIS time......If this isn't just the PERFECT freaking end to the PERFECT freaking week....." so I did as I was asked/told/commanded and got back in half the usual time and sat down with foreboding.

"Yes? You wanted to see me?"

And bloody hell if he didn't tell me that beginning on Sunday at 9:45PM I will be on night shift again. New hours- 9:45PM to 5:45AM!!!
Even better than regular third shift because NOW when Paulius gets his first shift job I will be able to get home in time to make him tea and a bite of breakfast before he pops off to work. HELL YEAH!!!!!
Of course that means we have a shorter weekend this weekend but I think we can manage to live thru it to get back my normal quiet life.

What prompted this change of plans? The officer in charge on night shift screwed up big time.
Too bad for her- but WHOOOO HOOOOO for me.

Oh...and MARIE- if you are reading this- have Frank call me this weekend.....ASAP.

Crybaby......

I have stuff on my mind.

I detest my job. I thought I was getting used to second shift but I was wrong. I detest it, Paulius and I never seem to have any time together now. He usually sleeps til time for me to go to work and he's either already asleep when I come in or up after I go to bed.
I told my bossman that I want the first third-shift position that comes available. We didn't spend all this time and money and energy to get Paulius over here and us get married to be communicating by chatting on the phone or but to say bye or goodnight.
We go on Tuesdays to run errands and that's bout the extent of it til the weekend. I don't like it at all. I adore my husband and love spending time with him.........

I completely broke down yesterday and just bawled for about an hour....and when Pauli got up to say bye to me before I walked out the door to go to work, I started crying again.

I have more worries too- but those are just something I am going to have to work out myself.
I have begun having dreams of my dad again, too. Not helping my mental state in the least.

Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to have a nice, quiet, normal life again.
I need a break. Or meds.
I just don't know what to do to make it all right again. I just don't know.

I finished reading HP this morning as well......It did nothing to make me happier.
Altho it ended much better than I thought it would- I wasn't very happy with the entire book.
It had a few moments that made me chuckle- it had a few moments that made me cry....but it wasn't at all what I had expected. And I am sad because it is over.

Remember The Great Darkness I published on my blog awhile back? That feeling is back.