Please make it all be a horrible nightmare.and some one please wake me now- I've had enough.

It is almost 2 am here and I cannot begin to sleep.
I am still crying.

My heart aches with the pain of knowing I will never hear my baby boys laughter again or hold him or be held in his big bear hug. I will never feel his kisses or smell his unique scent of his neck as I get that hug. Worst of all I will never hear him tell me he loves me again.
Why did we not record him with the new video camera we had just bought the last time he was here?

Clayton said many times that he has lived a happy life, has changed his life, and has no regrets at this point. He had a wonderful wife, a baby on the way, a home, a couple of nice cars and a great job lined up to start on Monday.
He said he has led a happy life and he wouldn't trade it for the world.
But a higher power had other plans for my baby boy. Heaven needed him more than I did....or so they thought.
My baby boy was a jokester- he loved making people laugh and making those around him happy.

My baby was rushing home to be with his wife before she went to sleep........and somehow he swerved and went off an embankment and then flipped end over end and was thrown over a hundred feet past where the car landed.
My sister drove me to the candle-light vigil tonight and I saw the place he came to rest. He died instantly from head trauma. From the swerve marks, he had swerved to avoid something in the road...he was on a straight away and his little car HUGGED the road and it would have been nearly impossible for it to lose control unless it had been caused by an animal in his path making him swerve to avoid it.

He loved animals and would do practically anything to avoid hurting them.

He swerved, went down an embankment traveled a few yards and then got caught in a barbed wire fence before flipping end over end and being catapulted about a hundred feet past where the car came to rest.
Death was probably more than likely instantaneous and I pray it was so and he did not suffer.
There is a huge hole in the center of my heart......It will never be replaced. My baby boy is gone- and my grief is overwhelming. Everyone says time will ease the pain, but I don't think so.

My loved ones are leaving me, one by one and I don't want to be alone.

My family has been a true blessing today.Someone has been with me every second. Paulius has been a wonderful man, and tonight my sister drove me to the Candlelight Vigil so Paul could rest and be able to take care of me tomorrow.

My nerves are in tatters, all I have done is cried, and looked at his baby-book and cried some more, and looked at all the photos of him from a  newborn to the latest taken at his and Kathys trip last year to Biltmore house for their second anniversary.I am so tired I feel as tho I will fall flat on my face soon, but I tried sleeping and altho I was sleeping a deep sleep- I was having horrible nightmares so I woke up and don't wanna go back to sleep now at all.

How does a mother let someone lower her baby into the ground and cover him with dirt?
How does a mother let her baby be creamated?
How does a mother let go of her child, knowing he is already gone? His spirit may be there, but his life in the body is past this world and is nothing but a shell.
Everything happens for a reason.....I tell people who have lost a loved one that so many times...and I actually believed it....until it was MY baby boy who passed on and left us alone and trying to figure out why he left us.

I wonder....was he scared in the last few seconds of his living moments?
Did he hurt or suffer? Did he have regrets in the last seconds? Did he wish he had waited a few minutes and wonder if it would have made any difference?
I used to think that when it was your time- it was your time and no matter what you did to change it- or what you did to alter it....it was your time and you would be taken whether you were in an airplane, automobile, or sleeping peacefully in your bed. I'm just not so sure now- but I have to keep believing in destiny.
I have to believe that he and my dad are together now and happily chatting away about things...and Mandy, his sister in law who died in an auto accident a couple years ago are out riding go-carts. And I have to believe that when he was going, there was a peace about him and a joy that made him want to go and be happy it was his time.

I want to believe that. I asked Paul what he thought happened when you die, and his answer was he had no idea. My baby boy wasn't afraid of death tho. He and Kathy had discussed it many times and he said he had no regrets about his life. Altho he had messed up when he was younger, he had come thru it and paid his dues to society and then he had drawn a line and got a good job, bought a new home and a couple of new cars, furnished the house and had recently found out he was going to become a daddy.
He was on top of the world.
And now he's gone one step farther and will be our guardian angel.
But god help me, I am going to miss him so much. My chest hurts just thinking about living life without his smile and his mischief. How will I live never hearing his sweet voice saying he loves me and calling me sweetie.
No more hugs and kisses and doing any of the hundreds of things that were uniquely Clayton.
I'm looking for a certain passage that sums it up- what he would say to us could he do it........
********************************************************************************

It Was My Time
I’m With God

Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free
I’m following the path God has laid you see.
I took His hand when I heard him call
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work, to play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found that peace at the close of day.

If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss
Oh yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life’s been full, I savored much
Good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and peace to thee
God wanted me now; He set me free.

I keep thinking this is just one of my terrible nightmares I have and I will wake up soon and see it was all a horrible horrible nightmare and then I will go to his house and be able to hug him and tell him about that dream and he will laugh and tell me he will be extra careful and I have nothing to worry about.

Please, someone wake me up now. I have had enough and want to wake up.

Please?

He did not want to leave us all- It was just his time.

God help me I need him still and would give my life to have him back again.